when I first started learning about #dissociation I dismissed a lot of stuff because I didn't think I ever had memory problems (in fact told myself I had a good memory, because of my knack for details).

but today partner asked me something about how I felt last night and I realised I literally have no memories between eating dinner yesterday and waking up this morning. I'm confident I was at home and nothing unusual or dangerous was happening but apart from that, I'm pretty much just guessing that I was *probably* watching tv (what tv??) on the sofa (the place I spend most time indoors).

I was extremely overloaded when I got home at dinner time because it was a really busy and exhausting day. still don't really have any idea how dissociation and autistic overload interact. was I dissociating because I was overloaded? was it actually not dissociative at all and the memory loss is purely due to overload? 🤷‍♂️

@actuallyautistic #actuallyAutistic

(Reposting this because it turns out the server was broken the first time...)

I've spent 20+ years in a state of near-constant dissociation because of trauma. About six months ago I suddenly snapped into crisis and I've basically been in that state of continuous crisis since then.

In a way it's a good thing, because the constant dissociation was obviously. a bad thing. and now some of my ability to dissociate has been ?broken or changed in some way. Everything is very scary and confusing and desperately sad all the time. But previously when I've had "crises" they last a few weeks or maybe a few months and then I pull myself together again and get back to dissociating, and convince myself (and everyone else) that that's a success. So I'm sort of glad that's not happening yet this time. I hope that something can change permanently, although I don't know what or how.

I think writing about things that I feel and experience is probably important, partly because I have always been very reluctant to do that. Most of the time when there's something I've always avoided it turns out I should have been doing it a lot more. So I'm here to try and push myself to acknowledge and process emotions and experiences and stuff, and also to keep track of myself doing that.

And doing it somewhere that's theoretically public also seems important, because so much of my dissociation has also been about avoiding or denying how cripplingly lonely and isolated I am, and simultaneously avoiding any interactions with other humans as if they're mortally dangerous. So I'm going to post and tag things and maybe if I end up communicating with other real people it would be okay and not kill me.

#cptsd #dissociation #actuallyautistic

today in therapy I said I was upset about something even though it didn't make sense, and my therapist said something like "let's respect those feelings", and that is like therapy 101 kind of talk but somehow before now I've never really been able to hear it properly? but this time it made me want to cry :( which I think is a good thing sigh

#therapy #dissociation

Anyway the most recent development is that I've spontaneously regained the ability to read novels. It's been at least five years (I think possibly much longer) since I comfortably read an entire novel. I don't know why.

The other week we were away from home and I speculatively took a book out frm the library to bring with me. I don't know why, because I hadn't read a book in so long, but I guess I somehow knew that the time was right? While away I started reading it, and finished it in less than 24 hours (it was a really good book). Since then I've finished another and started a third.

When I was a kid I would read constantly, I always wanted to have a book with me because I worried about being bored or needing a distraction. I think it became an avoidance and comforting thing because I would use reading as a way to avoid noticing how scared I was all the time, so it turned into a negative association. Then as a teen and adult I learned to use TV more as my default distractin-from-anxiety, and just. stopped reading. because I had forgotten that reading can be for enjoyment. I guess I forgot that most things can be for enjoyment, or forgot what enjoyment even is maybe.

And now I've read several books, and also in the last few weeks I've watched much less TV, and I don't know why or what it means. Pre-crisis I would want to have TV on pretty much constantly as distraction. I think maybe the dissociative break has meant that distraction doesn't work very well anymore? The horror and sadness are always there no matter what, so there's not much point trying to be distracted.

So I'm spending more time in silence without background noise. Which means that I'm able to read more - because I can't read with TV on (although that's what I used to do as a kid, and I used to insist that I was paying attention to both at once, when really I was using them both to desperately avoid paying attention to anything at all).

#cptsd #dissociation #reading

I've spent 20+ years in a state of near-constant dissociation because of trauma. About six months ago I suddenly snapped into crisis and I've basically been in that state of continuous crisis since then.

In a way it's a good thing, because the constant dissociation was obviously. a bad thing. and now some of my ability to dissociate has been ?broken or changed in some way. Everything is very scary and confusing and desperately sad all the time. But previously when I've had "crises" they last a few weeks or maybe a few months and then I pull myself together again and get back to dissociating, and convince myself (and everyone else) that that's a success. So I'm sort of glad that's not happening yet this time. I hope that something can change permanently, although I don't know what or how.

I think writing about things that I feel and experience is probably important, partly because I have always been very reluctant to do that. Most of the time when there's something I've always avoided it turns out I should have been doing it a lot more. So I'm here to try and push myself to acknowledge and process emotions and experiences and stuff, and also to keep track of myself doing that.

And doing it somewhere that's theoretically public also seems important, because so much of my dissociation has also been about avoiding or denying how cripplingly lonely and isolated I am, and simultaneously avoiding any interactions with other humans as if they're mortally dangerous. So I'm going to post and tag things and maybe if I end up communicating with other real people it would be okay and not kill me.

#cptsd #dissociation #actuallyautistic

@QueerMatters

Hm, I think that describes me a bit.
I don't experience emotions as happening to someone else, but to another part of me. That helps controlling them if needed.
I can take a step back, look at the emotion and think about what triggered it and what to do about it.

That is... if the emotion is not too strong and takes over... 😉😇

#actuallyautistic #Dissociation

Every Saturday night my partner and I watch comedy TV shows together and inevitably I slowly dissociate and autistically shut down until I feel like just a soap bubble of melancholy bobbing along a foggy current, reality and thought reduced to a dull hum as I watch someone else's stories and find myself mourning the stories I fear I will never write, but in a deep down way I could never put in to words, unable to act, unable to speak, sitting next to someone but feeling half a universe away, and wholly and completely alone.

Every. freaking. week. The Owl House and Rick and Morty shouldn't have this effect on someone. Does anyone else get this mix of #dissociation and #AutisticShutdown (and possibly also emotional flashback?)

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

#Dissociation https://persecution-live.org/2022/10/28/dissociation/

In this #PTSD Bookclub, we discuss Pt I of Stephanie Foo's *What My Bones Know: A #Memoir of Healing from #ComplexTrauma,* the cycle of #trauma, #dissociation, work as #coping strategy, and #caregiving communication issues.

"Keels don’t bend. Keels convert the sideways force of the wind into forward motion. That felt like my purpose as a caregiver. Turn the force of punishing psychic blows into healing. Provide ballast, even if that meant that I was always underwater."

https://virginia-eubanks.com/2022/12/05/what-my-bones-know-pt-1-the-keel-the-drone-the-untiring-ear/

Okay but seriously, my brain is in a weirdbad badweird place right now. So overwhelmed by tiny things that I'm sobbing in fury and pain at autocorrect typoes and small mistakes in a video game. Every sense heightened until I'm melting down from the sound of my neighbour walking around upstairs. Oh, and non-stop psychogenic itching. Not a fun combo. I feel immensely fragile, like I'm a paper sliding door and the universe is crowded around poking holes in me with pencils. But then ALSO, so dissociated that I can't remember what happened yesterday and the whole of reality feels like someone shouting at me down a very long tube.

I assume it's acute #AutisticBurnout, or some other effect of being #ActuallyAutistic with #CPTSD. I did have a family trauma thing come up recently. I know I'll get through it, because I've got through it before, but woof, it's rough. If anyone has been here and wants to do solidarity together, or if anyone has any coping tips, I'd be grateful. 🧡

#Dissociation #SensoryOverload

@actuallyautistic

#TraumaMemes #Dissociation #Flashbacks #ChildhoodTrauma #ComplexTrauma #CPTSD

Still learning the #Mastodon ropes. My #hashtag #introduction

#DepthPsychology
#Jung
#Hillman
#Academia
#Research
#Imaginal Studies
#Subpersonalities
#Dreams
#Consciousness
#Dissociation
#PhilosophyOfPsychology
#AppliedEthics
#StarTrek
#Geek
#GradSchool
#Vegetarian
#PostRock
#Cats
#UniversityOfEssex
#EckerdCollege
#COVIDsafe
#SaveTheBees

Still learning the #Mastodon ropes. My #hashtag #introduction

#DepthPsychology
#Jung
#Hillman
#Academia
#Research
#Imaginal Studies
#Subpersonalities
#Dreams
#Consciousness
#Dissociation
#PhilosophyOfPsychology
#AppliedEthics
#StarTrek
#Geek
#GradSchool
#Vegetarian
#PostRock
#Cats
#UniversityOfEssex
#Eckerd College
#COVIDsafe
#SaveTheBees

Still learning the #Mastodon ropes. My #hashtag #introduction

#DepthPsychology #Jung
#Hillman #Academia
#Research #Imaginal Studies
#Subpersonalities #Dreams
#Consciousness #Dissociation
#PhilosophyOfPsychology
#AppliedEthics
#StarTrek #Geek
#GradSchool #Vegetarian
#PostRock #Cats
#UniversityOfEssex
#Eckerd College
#COVIDsafe
#SaveTheBees

#ADHD #ActuallyAutistic #auDHD #Dissociation #Neurodivergent

#ADHD #ActuallyAutistic #auDHD #Dissociation #Neurodivergent

#Anxiety #ADHD #AuDHD #Dissociation #Depression #ComplexTrauma #TraumaMemes

#Dissociation #TraumaMemes

#Dissociation #Depression #TraumaMemes

#ComplexTrauma #Dissociation #TraumaMemes