I played basketball tonight against my gut instinct to bail on playing after initially committing. I'm big, slow, I can't shoot worth 🫘 and I hurt my knee last time I tried to play.

However, I was delighted to find myself feeling genuinely good at the end of the two hours. The sort of good I haven't felt much lately. Driving home I reflected on how the natural endorphins I was feeling have been fighting a stiff uphill battle these last couple of years. However, playing tonight, for whatever stupid reason, opened up a "I feel good" pocket of anti-depression that I haven't felt much lately.

I'm well aware I've been in a mild to moderate state of depression pretty consistently since 2020. Raising and schooling four kids in the pandemic at home while my wife was in nursing school full-time, and all the while running my own business with clients who are markedly more stressed during the pandemic themselves was enough to buckle me. Cancer, the resulting existential turmoil, moving, changing careers, and a whole huge heap of personal stress from another area of my life have felt like sledge hammer blows and left me metaphorically laying on the ground.

I've known the depression is there, in that regard I've been grateful to always be pretty in-tune with myself, internal things don't sneak up on me very often. I've worked to use the best tools I know; I got back into counseling, I kept myself as physically active as my body and circumstances would allow, and I've tried to stay connected to others despite losing lots of personal connections these last few years. I've journal and meditated, and some days I've just let myself crumble knowing I'd rebuild myself when the emotional winds were more favorable.

I'm honestly really proud of how well I've navigated my own internal turmoil these last few years. There's been a lot of times I've just wanted to throw up my hands and let my life collapse around me. I know my cracks have shown, and that has bugged me. I can see when people reassess me in the moments I don't measure up with how I present myself most of the time. But that's just a facet of being human.

I guess my point in all this is to write it down and share it for those who are stuck in their own fog of depression or mental struggle. Today, I found a small pocket of endorphins where my brain couldn't leave me feeling like things are just permanently gray, and that gift came from basketball, a sport I honestly kinda hate. But it came from saying "yes" as often as I could to what life tries to give me.

I think my depression will lift as I find a job, some personal issues stabilize, and I keep working my own side of the street in my life. I kinda hate my life, and I also kinda love my life right now, and the only thing that's going to shift that needle is my effort and the tick of time. So I'm going to keep mining life for the pockets of pleasure my brain and my soul needs. I hope you will too...♥️

#MentalHealth #MentalHealthHackers

Just a reminder... Infosec sucks sometimes. Make sure you take time for yourself!

Tooting from Caesar's Palace Qua Spa in Las Vegas.

#treatyoself #mentalhealthhackers

Any #MentalHealthHackers around?

I'm curious if there's any writing out there on hacking, offense or defense in infosec, and moral injury.

Please boost for reach!

Any #MentalHealthHackers around?

I'm curious if there's any writing out there on hacking, offense or defense in infosec, and moral injury.

Please boost for reach!

It was mental health hacker kind of day. No work today. Just fun and chill with the family. Mental break day. #InfoSec fam…get your rest and relaxation. Burn bright, don’t burnout!

#MentalHealth #MentalHealthHackers

If someone you know has had a rough time lately or have been struggling with mental health issues you can nominate them for a box of goodies! #MentalHealthHackers https://www.mentalhealthhackers.org/mhh-feel-good-box-nomination/

Hey #infosec people. If this is your weekend, take some time to do other things. Step away, knit, play with trains, go see a movie, whatever.
Burnout sucks, and we like you and want you around.
#mentalhealth #MentalHealthHackers #burnout

Oh shit #MentalHealthHackers #hackersHealth coloring page in the new #blackhillsinfosec PROMPT# issue!