Adjusting for inflation (sic) and the one or other co-occurence ; I should be hitting mid-life crisis next week, month or year. The bar is high (do you have $44B to spare?) so I hope I won't disappoint

(Thus far it feels like a mixture of "I told you so" and "Why the fuck did noone told me that? Like, you now... At the start?" -both in ALL CAPS)

#NotNow #AreWeNow #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyAutisticTruth #NotYourTeddy #AllCaps #TimeTravelerJokes

Adjusting for inflation (sic) and the one or other co-occurence ; I should be hitting mid-life crisis next week. The bar is high, so I hope I won't disappoint

(Thus far it feels like a mixture of "I told you so" and "Why the fuck did noone told me that? Like, you now... At the start?" -both in ALL CAPS)

#NotNow #AreWeNow #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyAutisticTruth #NotYourTeddy #AllCaps

Adjusting for inflation (sic) and the one or other co-occurences I should be hitting mid-life crisis next week. I hope I won't disappoint (Thus far it feels like a mixture of "I told you so" and "Why the fuck did noone told me that? Like, you now... At the start?"

#NotNow #AreWeNow #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyAutisticTruth #NotYourTeddy

Adjusting for inflation (sic) and the one or other co-occurences I should be hitting mid-life crisis next week. I hope I won't disappoint (Thus far it feels like a mixture of "I told you so" and "Why the fuck did noone told me that? Like, you now... At the start?"

#NotNow #AreWeNow

Adjusting for inflation (sic) and the one or other co-occurences I'm hitting mid life crisis in a week. I hope I won't disappoint (Thus far it feels like a mixture of "I told you so" and "Why the fuck did noone told me that? Like, you now? A the start?
#NotNow #AreWeNow

#Masking is not lying, it's guessing all the lines, then choosing the path of least disturbance. I go with the script while you go with the flow, cause "You can't handle the truth" cause you've got ego, cause I know where the path leads and that's the one place I don't want to go. More often than not we also see the other lines, Arborescent thinking they say (their words not mine)
I just see what they imply and stay still, cause of how much they will cost and the pain involved: all of it *at the same time*. More often than not it leads to a loop, every exit being hurtful. That's when I meltdown. When the script eats it's own tail, when there is ascript I refuse to follow, an out, a gesture or a sound so it all comes around. But that would cause too much pain. Here comes the rain.
When I'm stuck and see one, two or more wayy out, yours, theirs and mine, #NotNow but all of them *at the same time* That's when I shutdown.
"I identify as tired"; sweet dreams, I'll see you on the other side;

#ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyAutisticTruth #Masking #AreWeNow

#Masking is not lying, it's guessing all the lines, then choosing the path of least disturbance. I go with the script while you go with the flow, cause "You can't handle the truth" cause you've got ego, cause I know where the path leads and that's the one place I don't want to go. Mor often than not we also see the other lines, Arborescent thinking they say (zheir words not mine)
I just see what they imply and stay still, cause of how much they will cost and the pain involved: all of it *at the same time*. More often than not it leads to a loop, every exit being hurtful. That's when I meltdown. When the script eats it's own tail, when there is ascript I refuse to follow, an out, a gesture or a sound so it all comes around. But that would cause too much pain. Here comes the rain.
When I'm stuck and see one, two or more wayy out, yours, theirs and mine, #NotNow but all of them *at the same time* That's when I shutdown.
"I identify as tired"; sweet dreams, I'll see you on the other side

@actuallyautistic #Masking is not lying, it's guessing all the lines, then choosing the path of least disturbance. I go with the script while you go with the flow, cause "You can't handle the truth" cause you've got ego, cause I know where the path leads and that's the one place I don't want to go. Mor often than not we also see the other lines, Arborescent thinking they say (zheir words not mine)
I just see what they imply and stay still, cause of how much they will cost and the pain involved: all of it *at the same time*. More often than not it leads to a loop, every exit being hurtful. That's when I meltdown. When the script eats it's own tail, when there is ascript I refuse to follow, an out, a gesture or a sound so it all comes around. But that would cause too much pain. Here comes the rain.
When I'm stuck and see one, two or more wayy out, yours, theirs and mine, #NotNow but all of them *at the same time* That's when I shutdown.

I always start with black ink on white paper. Can't stand any other ink, can't tolerate lined (or even worse squared) paper. It got me into trouble in school more than once. I always stood my grounds. And whatever the cost might have been, I'm proud of that. I'm probably gonna post more pictures of the process, while I never was particularly fond of my handwriting, I always liked the way it feels and to some extent the way it comes over through #photography
I realize noone on this network knows this about me, but after theater which I was born into and had to escape, then ballet which I chose, my first passion, the first project I ever intended to make my life about was photography. I'm almost 40 now, or at least that's right around the corner (#notnow though); I was taught the craft in another century, a different game entirely, one that was about physics, optics, and chemistry. My teachers (mentors) would sneer down on what were the very beginnings of #DigitalPhotography, it was but a fad, it was never gonna get on the level, it physically couldn't, it was lazy, it was cheating, nothing good would ever come out of it, and definitely not #Art. They were wrong, still, truth is that to this day I still treat my own digital production as throwaway, I never bought a proper DSLR camera, and I handle phones like Kodak instant cameras.
Still... I'll document my #writing and whatever comes to mind here, probably add some other stuff from my own archives. Grass ain't greener on the other side...

Alt-text: the same, but more of it

https://time.is/UTC+1 (#NotNow)

https://time.is/UTC+1 (#NotNow)

Here we go again... #HomeOffice done right

#Writing #EsWarEinMalInParisBerlinSofia
#CreativeWriting #Interface #Now #NotNow #AreWeNow #NotYourTeddy

@brainpilgrim @revolt3d Yes, that makes a lot of sense, (much like Alice and us all create meta-narratives in order to breathe meaning into chaos) but tbh I've always been confused by the way we are being taught that we experience time in a linear way, I never felt that way, in my case now that I have the words to articulate it, it without a doubt has to do with so-called atypical autobiographical episodic memory and c-ptsd (my oldest memory is one where I'm dissociating, escaping the now because it was intolerable, so I guess I never stood a chance)
Flashbacks, vivid dreams + years in total isolation and the inner world I had to retreat to to survive make me constantly ask the question "Are we now?" (to the point that I got it tattooed on my body).
Anyways, as a social construct time is without a doubt one of "the master's tools", and will stay so as long as his house stands (and as a biological reality it ain't universal either, more importantly, in that regard biological chrono processes are just clocks, they neither are nor do the define time itself, they just measure it)
I ain't got the background to talk physics in any meaningful way and cannot speak to the validity of loop quantum gravity, but long story short, if time is real I believe we have a moral obligation to find it and kill it ("lunchtime double so";)))

#NotNow #AreWeNow

No more Mr. Ms. MX. #Trans & #Nb nice whatever, you made your bed now....

htps://youtu.be/kl4wkIPiTcY

#NotNow #Wettschereck #Oberkampf #CafePlume

Before, during & after

#ComingOutIsSisyphussJob

- Colorized, Early 21st, #Berlin, #NotNow

L’enfance se métamorphose en rêve que nous nous interdisons de raviver. L’âge adulte ? Un fantasme qui effraie. Nous jouons avec nos propres illusions, les faisons puis les défaisons.
C’est un théâtre salace : les rêves de masses finiront toujours dans la crasse.
Nos ego, s’affrontent, se débattent, conscient des disquettes qu’on nous fait avaler comme autant d’épées de Damoclès. Et, petit à petit, nous nous mettons à espérer le formatage qui vient avec l’âge.
Le jeu s’appelle l’ego système.
C’est un combat, en cage et à mains nue

#Interface #2018 #NotYourTeddy #NotNow #ActuallyAutistic

Je suis le filet du trapéziste. La doublure cascade numéro trois. L’hostie et puis le vin de messe.
Je te mets en garde, si tu es du genre désespérément romantique qui ne sait baiser sans aimer, si tu n’aimes ni le grand guignol ni les jeux d’ombres ou de miroirs, si tu cherches un absolu, une vérité, ou un soupçon d’honnêteté tu ferais bien de filer. Ceci n’est même pas un roman à clef.
Ici, on travestit, use de proxys comme on fait sa lie.

Je suis une phobie. Un objet écran sur lequel l’image est projetée. Grâce à moi l’Auteur fait l’économie de son angoisse. Pure, désincarnée, primordiale, forcément diffuse, donc absolue.
Non, ici, pas d’absolu, pas de symbiose, pas d’intimité, rien d’authentique ni d’autobiographique : que du pathétique.
Seulement moi, une dose de soma, une persona qui me permettra d’assister à nos funérailles avec le smile.
Je dis nos funérailles parce qu’il y a un peu de Lui en moi.
Et puis un peu de moi en Lui. Je ne sais pas ce qui est le plus effrayant d’ailleurs. Mais écoutez, c’est normal, je ne suis pas là pour ressentir, je suis là pour filtrer et déverser agitez l’angoisse avant de l’utiliser. Portez à ébullition. Cristallisez. Laissez le tout précipiter, et vomissez le substrat encore une fois.
Un peu de nous en toi. C’est crade, mais hygiénique. Une crasse aseptisée. Une
scène de Snuffmovie esthétisée, un porno chic où la DP anale a le cul qui te sourit comme le chat d’Alice au pays des merveilles.

#Interface ( page 204) #2018

#NotNow #NotyourTeddy #ActuallyAutistic #FrenchLitt

Une balle reprend sa place dans un barillet, un condamné repasse devant les jurés, se refait prévenu, des sanglots agonisent tandis que des phrases creuses se revèvent, nues. Finalement, tous ces témoins sont avortés et les chefs d’accusation oubliés. Le tribunal se replie. Newton change d’avis, Freud aussi.
Moi, j’oublie.
Je ne m’appelle pas vraiment Pierre. Je ne m’appelle pas. Le Narrateur s’en occupe

#Interface (page 203) #2018

#NotNow #NotYourTeddy

Cette douleur qu’il me faut taire me bouffe. Si je la silence c’est bien sûr en
partie à cause du poids du monopole paternel, de son OPA sur la souffrance,
mais pas seulement. J’ai essayé, à grand renfort de SOS médicaux et de mots
simples d’appeler à l’aide, auprès de médecins, d’amis, de professeurs même.
Mais la douleur ne se communique pas, et on ne saurait la comprendre
autrement que par le prisme des mythologies que nous portons. Du quand on
veut on peut, pensée magique tellement banale qui vient culpabiliser le patient
au paternalisme du médecin qui, dans une relation à sens unique vient expliquer
la douleur à celui qui la ressent. Mythologie encore des petits shamans en
plastiques qui se cachent à chaque coin de rue et qui viennent expliquer à grands
coups de reiki, d’énergie et de plantes sacrées les chemins de la guérison. Et je
ne parle même pas de ce dolorisme qui voudrait la maladie rédemptrice, transfigurant le patient en héros d’une maladie-aventure. Ce qui ne me tue pas
me rend plus fort ?
Fermes là ! Peut-être que je n’ai pas envie d’être plus fort, juste envie d’être.
Alors dans ce silence entrecoupé de commentaires auxquels je réponds avec un
sourire factice, ces histoires que je pose sur du papier prennent de plus en plus
de place et je m’y perds. Bercé par les opiacés je commence à douter et du
monde et de ceux qui l’habitent. Je doute de tout et surtout de moi-même. J’en
viens même à me demander si quelque chose existe.

#Interface (page 111)

#WhatDoesntKillYou #CeQuiNeMeTuePas

#NotyourTeddy #NotNow

I'm outta spoons, I'm gonna put a pin in it; #NotNow

https://kolektiva.social/@nowtimetraveler/109435640634297654