Adjusting for inflation (sic) and the one or other co-occurence ; I should be hitting mid-life crisis next week, month or year. The bar is high (do you have $44B to spare?) so I hope I won't disappoint

(Thus far it feels like a mixture of "I told you so" and "Why the fuck did noone told me that? Like, you now... At the start?" -both in ALL CAPS)

#NotNow #AreWeNow #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyAutisticTruth #NotYourTeddy #AllCaps #TimeTravelerJokes

Adjusting for inflation (sic) and the one or other co-occurence ; I should be hitting mid-life crisis next week. The bar is high, so I hope I won't disappoint

(Thus far it feels like a mixture of "I told you so" and "Why the fuck did noone told me that? Like, you now... At the start?" -both in ALL CAPS)

#NotNow #AreWeNow #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyAutisticTruth #NotYourTeddy #AllCaps

Adjusting for inflation (sic) and the one or other co-occurences I should be hitting mid-life crisis next week. I hope I won't disappoint (Thus far it feels like a mixture of "I told you so" and "Why the fuck did noone told me that? Like, you now... At the start?"

#NotNow #AreWeNow #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyAutisticTruth #NotYourTeddy

Anyhow, thank you for coming to my #NotYourTeddy Talk ;)))

Here we go again... #HomeOffice done right

#Writing #EsWarEinMalInParisBerlinSofia
#CreativeWriting #Interface #Now #NotNow #AreWeNow #NotYourTeddy

L’enfance se métamorphose en rêve que nous nous interdisons de raviver. L’âge adulte ? Un fantasme qui effraie. Nous jouons avec nos propres illusions, les faisons puis les défaisons.
C’est un théâtre salace : les rêves de masses finiront toujours dans la crasse.
Nos ego, s’affrontent, se débattent, conscient des disquettes qu’on nous fait avaler comme autant d’épées de Damoclès. Et, petit à petit, nous nous mettons à espérer le formatage qui vient avec l’âge.
Le jeu s’appelle l’ego système.
C’est un combat, en cage et à mains nue

#Interface #2018 #NotYourTeddy #NotNow #ActuallyAutistic

Je suis le filet du trapéziste. La doublure cascade numéro trois. L’hostie et puis le vin de messe.
Je te mets en garde, si tu es du genre désespérément romantique qui ne sait baiser sans aimer, si tu n’aimes ni le grand guignol ni les jeux d’ombres ou de miroirs, si tu cherches un absolu, une vérité, ou un soupçon d’honnêteté tu ferais bien de filer. Ceci n’est même pas un roman à clef.
Ici, on travestit, use de proxys comme on fait sa lie.

Je suis une phobie. Un objet écran sur lequel l’image est projetée. Grâce à moi l’Auteur fait l’économie de son angoisse. Pure, désincarnée, primordiale, forcément diffuse, donc absolue.
Non, ici, pas d’absolu, pas de symbiose, pas d’intimité, rien d’authentique ni d’autobiographique : que du pathétique.
Seulement moi, une dose de soma, une persona qui me permettra d’assister à nos funérailles avec le smile.
Je dis nos funérailles parce qu’il y a un peu de Lui en moi.
Et puis un peu de moi en Lui. Je ne sais pas ce qui est le plus effrayant d’ailleurs. Mais écoutez, c’est normal, je ne suis pas là pour ressentir, je suis là pour filtrer et déverser agitez l’angoisse avant de l’utiliser. Portez à ébullition. Cristallisez. Laissez le tout précipiter, et vomissez le substrat encore une fois.
Un peu de nous en toi. C’est crade, mais hygiénique. Une crasse aseptisée. Une
scène de Snuffmovie esthétisée, un porno chic où la DP anale a le cul qui te sourit comme le chat d’Alice au pays des merveilles.

#Interface ( page 204) #2018

#NotNow #NotyourTeddy #ActuallyAutistic #FrenchLitt

Une balle reprend sa place dans un barillet, un condamné repasse devant les jurés, se refait prévenu, des sanglots agonisent tandis que des phrases creuses se revèvent, nues. Finalement, tous ces témoins sont avortés et les chefs d’accusation oubliés. Le tribunal se replie. Newton change d’avis, Freud aussi.
Moi, j’oublie.
Je ne m’appelle pas vraiment Pierre. Je ne m’appelle pas. Le Narrateur s’en occupe

#Interface (page 203) #2018

#NotNow #NotYourTeddy

Cette douleur qu’il me faut taire me bouffe. Si je la silence c’est bien sûr en
partie à cause du poids du monopole paternel, de son OPA sur la souffrance,
mais pas seulement. J’ai essayé, à grand renfort de SOS médicaux et de mots
simples d’appeler à l’aide, auprès de médecins, d’amis, de professeurs même.
Mais la douleur ne se communique pas, et on ne saurait la comprendre
autrement que par le prisme des mythologies que nous portons. Du quand on
veut on peut, pensée magique tellement banale qui vient culpabiliser le patient
au paternalisme du médecin qui, dans une relation à sens unique vient expliquer
la douleur à celui qui la ressent. Mythologie encore des petits shamans en
plastiques qui se cachent à chaque coin de rue et qui viennent expliquer à grands
coups de reiki, d’énergie et de plantes sacrées les chemins de la guérison. Et je
ne parle même pas de ce dolorisme qui voudrait la maladie rédemptrice, transfigurant le patient en héros d’une maladie-aventure. Ce qui ne me tue pas
me rend plus fort ?
Fermes là ! Peut-être que je n’ai pas envie d’être plus fort, juste envie d’être.
Alors dans ce silence entrecoupé de commentaires auxquels je réponds avec un
sourire factice, ces histoires que je pose sur du papier prennent de plus en plus
de place et je m’y perds. Bercé par les opiacés je commence à douter et du
monde et de ceux qui l’habitent. Je doute de tout et surtout de moi-même. J’en
viens même à me demander si quelque chose existe.

#Interface (page 111)

#WhatDoesntKillYou #CeQuiNeMeTuePas

#NotyourTeddy #NotNow

[Ave Pariah]

O' father I've missed you all them years
When in the dark room I laid awake
Coming out, o' the blinding light
Filled my heart with such fright
Drew me a face and yet I never saw yours
I stood and waited 'till
Out of the room flew a crow
Which laid a stone in my hand
In a whisper the stone said

[Chorus]
O' father I don't want to know you
If you leave now, I'll stay here and O'
O' please do close the window

I spelled your name over and over again
Translated every dream I searched for you in vain
Running in circle, sweaty sheets screamed away the pain
Have you seen the growling stone that used to lay by the lighthouse?
I once knew her soul, and it searched for mine
I laid by the sea with the stone in my hand
Drank every crushing wave till my demons were slain
And the stone whispered to me again

[Chorus]
O' father I don't want to know you
If you leave now, I'll stay here and O'
O' please do close the window

The stone took me by the hand, shone a path or so I thought
I ran, we screamed and fought, I threw the stone
Laid grounds and built myself a house
I sharpened my teeth and ground the floor
Angry with myself and hungry for your smell
I was missing something yet what I could not tell
Doused in gazoline,the flames licked my face
And the flames said to me

[Chorus]
O' father I don't want to know you
If you leave now, I'll stay here and O'
O' please do close the window

The water was running, O' I was so thirsty
Searching for an exit, a silence, some sleep
White knuckles grasping for more, a tear in my fist
Holding to a moment -I once failed to keep,
I burned down the house for at first the door I could not see
Broken pieces at my feet and a glass on my mind
For years I crawled in ashes, O' what a feast
Till the last demon slain softly washed away the pain

[Chorus]
O' father I don't want to know you
If you leave now, I'll stay here and O'
O' please do close the window

O' father I thought I needed you
But I crawled out the room through the window
O' father don't you show your face to me
My demons lay at my feet and mom is my widow

O' father I don't want to know you
I'll stay here and O' before you go
Of Please do close the window

O' father I don't want to know you
I'll stay here and O' before you go
Please do close the window

( #Unsung #NotYourTeddy #OFather #AvePariah #NotNow )

[Ave Pariah]

( #NotYourTeddy #OFather #AvePariah )

O' father I've missed you all them years
When in the dark room I laid awake
Coming out, o' the blinding light
Filled my heart with such fright
Drew me a face and
-yet I never saw yours
I stood and waited 'till
Out of the room flew a crow
Which laid a stone in my hand
In a whisper the stone said

[Chorus]
O' father I don't want to know you
If you leave now, I'll stay here and O'
O' please do close the window

I spelled your name over and over again
Translated every dream I searched for you in vain
Running in circle, sweaty sheets screamed away the pain
Have you seen the growling stone that used to lay by the lighthouse?
I once knew her soul, and it searched for mine
I laid by the sea with the stone in my hand
Drank every crushing wave till my demons were slain
And the stone whispered to me again

[Chorus]
O' father I don't want to know you
If you leave now, I'll stay here and O'
O' please do close the window

The stone took me by the hand, shone a path or so I thought
I ran, we screamed and fought, I threw the stone
Laid grounds and built myself a house
I sharpened my teeth and ground the floor
Angry with myself and hungry for your smell
I was missing something yet what I could not tell
Doused in gazoline,the flames licked my face
And the flames said to me

[Chorus]
O' father I don't want to know you
If you leave now, I'll stay here and O'
O' please do close the window

The water was running, O' I was so thirsty
Searching for an exit, a silence, some sleep
White knuckles grasping for more, a tear in my fist
Holding to a moment -I once failed to keep,
I burned down the house for at first the door I could not see
Broken pieces at my feet and a glass on my mind
For years I crawled in ashes, O' what a feast
Till the last demon slain softly washed away the pain

[Chorus]
O' father I don't want to know you
If you leave now, I'll stay here and O'
O' please do close the window

O' father I thought I needed you
But I crawled out the room through the window
O' father don't you show your face to me
My demons lay at my feet and mom is my widow

O' father I don't want to know you
I'll stay here and O' before you go
Please do close the window

O' father I don't want to know you
I'll stay here and O' before you go
Please do
close the window

#AvePariah

[Ave Pariah]

( #NotYourTeddy #OFather )

O' father I've missed you all them years
When in the dark room I laid awake
Coming out, o' the blinding light
Filled my heart with such fright
Drew me a face and
-yet I never saw yours
I stood and waited 'till
Out of the room flew a crow
Which laid a stone in my hand
In a whisper the stone said

[Chorus]
O' father I don't want to know you
If you leave now, I'll stay here and O'
O' please do close the window

I spelled your name over and over again
Translated every dream I searched for you in vain
Running in circle, sweaty sheets screamed away the pain
Have you seen the growling stone that used to lay by the lighthouse?
I once knew her soul, and it searched for mine
I laid by the sea with the stone in my hand
Drank every crushing wave till my demons were slain
And the stone whispered to me again

[Chorus]
O' father I don't want to know you
If you leave now, I'll stay here and O'
O' please do close the window

The stone took me by the hand, shone a path or so I thought
I ran, we screamed and fought, I threw the stone
Laid grounds and built myself a house
I sharpened my teeth and ground the floor
Angry with myself and hungry for your smell
I was missing something yet what I could not tell
Doused in gazoline,the flames licked my face
And the flames said to me

[Chorus]
O' father I don't want to know you
If you leave now, I'll stay here and O'
O' please do close the window

The water was running, O' I was so thirsty
Searching for an exit, a silence, some sleep
White knuckles grasping for more, a tear in my fist
Holding to a moment -I once failed to keep,
I burned down the house for at first the door I could not see
Broken pieces at my feet and a glass on my mind
For years I crawled in ashes, O' what a feast
Till the last demon slain softly washed away the pain

[Chorus]
O' father I don't want to know you
If you leave now, I'll stay here and O'
O' please do close the window

O' father I thought I needed you
But I crawled out the room through the window
O' father don't you show your face to me
My demons lay at my feet and mom is my widow

O' father I don't want to know you
I'll stay here and O' before you go
Please do close the window

O' father I don't want to know you
I'll stay here and O' before you go
Please do
close the window

[Ave Pariah]

( #NotYourTeddy #OFather # )