When a #borderline, #narcissist or #histrionic woman says, "I feel unsafe" it likely means YOU are unsafe. Don't ignore, minimize or make excuses for your abuser. This is a threat and you need to be careful. https://bit.ly/44c66lM
#AbuseHasNoGender #NPD #BPD

#Lovebombing boosted with #texting is the equivalent of a #dopamine relationship speedball (cocaine and heroin). Separately, both love bombing and text messaging can create potent dopamine brain baths. Together, they’re a powerfully destructive combination.

Dopamine creates intense wanting that leads to seeking behavior. Seeking eventually leads to a reward – the release of endorphins and other feel good neurochemicals. Reward reinforces the wanting and seeking behavior that, in turn, leads to more reward. This is called a dopamine loop and it can be incredibly addictive.

Whether it’s wanting and seeking more validation of ever increasing love bombing in person or via text or on social media – you need more and more of it to get the same intense rush. Especially when everything is shiny and new, or rather, shiny and new narcissistic supply.

Therefore, when dating, resist the urge to text excessively. First, if you’ve met someone who’s not a personality disordered abuser, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. For example, you find each other on one of those god awful apps. And then you text each other like teenagers for two weeks before the first coffee date.

Dopamine! Dopamine!! DOPAMINE!!!

No normal human being of reasonable attractiveness can live up to a 2 week long dopamine binge. Regardless of how kind, intelligent and interesting they actually are. She or he will likely disappoint due to the unrealistic anticipation of the texting dopamine high.

Second, let’s say Dopamine Damsel or Dopamine Dude, does meet your wild expectations. She or he could very well be your next #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic nutter. In order to keep the dopamine loop looping, the reward needs to be obtained and then increased. And who can top the intensity of the pre-meet text-fest in person?

A person who can be intensely charming, intensely engaging and intensely provocative, flirtatious and seductive. Someone who’ll contort and shape shift themselves (i.e., #mirroring) into being anything and everything they think you want them to be to get you to fall in love with them. Again, it’s likely to be another #NPD, #BPD or #HPD nightmare.

Third, a person who’s willing and/or able to begin texting a stranger excessively from morning to night, well, I have questions. Like do they have a job? Friends, family or pets? Anything in their life that requires attention and responsibility? Do they have impulse control and self-restraint? The ability for delayed gratification? Hobbies and interests that don’t involve their phones, social media and dating apps?

Best case scenario, it’s another #codependent looking for their next intense dopamine relationship disaster. Worst case scenario, it’s the next disaster.

#AbuseHasNoGender

#NarcissistDictionary" "You're an emotionless robot!"

Of course, you're not really an emotionless robot. If a #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic partner or ex has ever accused you of being a robot it likely means that:

a) You’ve stopped telling the #NPD, #BPD or #HPD your
thoughts and feelings, because they weaponize them against you.

b) You’ve emotionally
detached and walk away from their #ClusterB threats, tantrums, rages, name-calling and victim playing.

c) You're freezing as a defense mechanism (i.e., fight, flight, freeze or fawn).

Relationships with #narcissists, #histrionics and #borderlines eventually devolve into an endless series of no-win situations, which can instill learned helplessness then despair.

You have emotions, but you've stopped sharing them because it isn't safe. Detachment is healthy in the face of repetitive, relentless pointless conflict. The healthiest choice would be to end the relationship and have friendships with people who don't mistreat and abuse you.

Ideally, detachment and disengagement is a temporary coping strategy while planning your exit. Long-term it's no way to live.

#AbuseHasNoGender

#Narcissists, #borderlines, #histrionics and the rest of the #ClusterB variety pack can be quite the historical revisionists. Yes, they're #PathologicalLiars in matters consequential and inconsequential. When they rewrite history, however, they almost uniformly transform themselves into innocent, rosy-smelling victims and portray their actual victims as villains.

Typically, they do this via a combination of #gaslighting, #projection, #DARVO, blatant lies, half-truths, distortions and reality TV quality acting. Even when the facts eventually come to light, they shamelessly deny, lie, cry, tantrum and obfuscate with #WordSalad.

While I understand this phenomenon in terms of their characterological pathology, I never cease to be amazed by their refusal to take #accountability especially once they’re fully exposed.

You've got video, audio or emails that prove the #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic partner’s or ex's lies and abuses? Spplffft! It doesn’t matter as far as the #NPD, #BPD or #HPD is concerned. They just tell more lies and play victim harder.

What they said or did last week, yesterday or two minutes ago is meaningless. They shake their Magic Victim 8 Ball and poof! It's time for freshly excreted self-serving lies.

They cry, pitch a tantrum, rage, pout and blithely ignore being fact-checked. They brazenly insist on their newest lies, distortions and false narratives and continue to deny, lie, gaslight and contradict themselves and anyone willing to listen to ever growing mountain of manure.

Then, when you point out the most recent pile of steaming, blatant BS, they're the victim and you're the asshole.

Narcissists, histrionics, psychopaths and borderlines don't see their cruelty, self-absorption, pathological lying and entitlement as bad. You deserve it. You make them do it. For that matter, anyone who holds them accountable is a bad, nasty person who's abusing them/victimizing them. It's completely backasswards.

Again, this is pure BS. The bad behavior is bad, not pointing out the bad behavior.

#AbuseHasNoGender

Imagine if men (in similarly large numbers as women) attended weekend workshops to get in touch with their "inner god" and the divine Masculine and proudly shared it on social media. For example, selfies from Zeus Camp. Dating app usernames like ThorsHammer or Loki_in_Love.

Wouldn't you think they're either eye rolling ridiculous and/or a raging #narcissist? Well, wouldn't you?

[*Actually, I’ve been seeing masculinity workshops being advertised that seem every bit as dubious as goddess weekends.]

#AbuseHasNoGender #borderline #histrionic

Everyone has sore spots or #triggers. Emotionally mature adults don't demand that everyone else tiptoe around their triggers. Psychologically stable adults don't use their triggers to justify controlling and abusing others and playing victim.

If you spend the majority of your days trying to avoid #triggering your partner, dealing with your triggered partner or cleaning up the messes made by your triggered partner, #RedFlag.

#AbuseHasNoGender #narcissist #borderline #histrionic

There’s really no difference between the #LoveBombing pedestal (#idealization) and the it’s all your fault POS status (#devaluation). While one feels better than the other, both are equally meaningless. They’re just different versions of the same #manipulation. The carrot and the stick are one and the same to the #codependent #PeoplePleaser.

Meaning, both conditions can’t simultaneously be true. You can’t be the most amazing, special-est man/woman ever and the most horrible person ever. Especially when a #borderline, #narcissist or #histrionic partner vacillates between the two extremes multiple times within the same hour.

But which one is true? Again, neither.

So many clients are easily manipulated by the mercurial opinion of their #BPD, #NPD or #HPD partner. It's the reason they walk on eggshells. #ClusterB #PersonalityDisorder-ed people don’t have a cohesive, stable sense of themselves (i.e., #construct). Hence their rage and perceived #victimhood at the smallest and/or imaginary slight or criticism. As such, their construct of other people – including you -- is similarly unstable.

“You bought me a new car!!! Yay!!! I love you!!! Thank you, daddy!!!! Best daddy ever!!!!!”

“You won’t let me have a third cookie!!!! Mean mommy!!! I hate you!!!!!”

Therefore, any approval from a BPD, HPD or NPD person is meaningless if it can change on a dime. This becomes a manipulation tactic once they figure out the power they can wield by alternating withholding love or blowing smoke up your butt (i.e., variable ratio reinforcement schedule).

It’s all the same to them.

In my experience, these individuals enjoy being cruel more and resent having to love bomb or #Hoover. The overt cruelty is more enjoyable because of the contempt they feel for you for tolerating their abuse. I also suspect it makes them feel more powerful when their victim grovels for love. Contemptuous and powerful.

Furthermore, healthy adults don't change their opinion of you just because they occasionally feel irritated, hurt or disappointed by you. In fact, healthy adults can still love and respect their partner even when they’re super angry with them. And can do so without engaging in wanton cruelty or childish nonsense. Imagine that!

If you're still trying to make it work with a disordered partner because you don't think you can live without their approval, please understand that for which you’re tolerating abuse IS NOT REAL. It’s your codependency and need for external validation from someone who'll never be capable of giving it to you that's real. They'll continue to exploit your vulnerabilities and abuse you for as long as you're willing to suffer it and them.

#AbuseHasNoGender #TheMoreYouKnow

You continue to seek love and rationality from people who have repeatedly demonstrated that they're capable of neither.

Nor do they possess integrity, accountability, emotional and psychological maturity and stability and other attributes integral to having healthy adult relationships.

This is an example of a #TraumaBond in action.

#AbuseHasNoGender #NPD #BPD #HPD #narcissist #borderline #histrionic #codependency #RepetitionCompulsion

If you re-enter the #dating pool before you've dealt with the issues that attract #narcissist, #borderline, #histrionic and other #toxic personality types to you and make them attractive to you, you'll likely end up like the man in the image.

JAWS 2, JAWS 3-D and JAWS: The Revenge.

For those of you who haven't see any of the Jaws sequels, each successive one sucked worse than the previous one. I mean really, REALLY bad.

Crazy 2.0, 3.0, 3.5 + isn't going to be any better. It'll be worse in terms of time, money and emotional damage incurred.

It's never going to be entirely safe to go back into the water. Going back out there without healing and the ability to have discernment and make better choices is like chumming the water.

#AbuseHasNoGender #NPD #BPD #HPD

#NarcissistDictionary: Strategic or Weaponized #Incompetence

Or, what I’ve long referred to as playing dumb and/or deliberately screwing up tasks in order to get out of doing them in the future. Typically utilized by the #DamselinDistress or #DudeInDistress, the #ClusterB variety pack, the #ProfessionalVictim and the #PassivAggressive. (*These groups are not mutually exclusive.)

We’re all human. We all make mistakes. What matters is that we take ownership of our blunders and f—k-ups, apologize, fix it (if possible) and make an honest effort to be more careful in the future. Furthermore, many people have individual particular preferences that, when we share a space with others, we may need to accept won’t always be accommodated.

For example, toilet paper flap goes over not under. Small logs on top and bigger logs on the bottom of the firewood stack. Perfectly folded fitted sheets.

Strategic or weaponized incompetence is repetitive carelessness, damage and destruction of your property and the foisting of one’s share of responsibilities at work or at home. It’s a behavior pattern that repeatedly occurs over time. Generally, it doesn’t get better because it’s not an anomalous unintentional screw-up. It’s an intentional tactic serving to reduce the effort they put into the relationship that requires you to contribute more.

Ever wonder why relationships with these types are so exhausting? I mean, beside the #drama, pointless circular arguments, absence of formal logic and other crazy-making irrationalities and abuse?
Because these individuals dump the as much of their adult responsibility onto their partners, kids, colleagues and other #enablers as they can get away with.

If or when you finally express frustration or the tiniest bit of criticism, the #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic will:

a) #PlayVictim. “Why are you being so mean?!?! It’s not like I do these things on purpose!!”

b) Attack and What About. “Oh, like you’re Mr./Ms. Perfect!? Like you never screw up!?!?! What about the [one time you made an honest mistake, apologized and corrected the mistake that the #NPD, #BPD or #HPD holds over you in perpetuity]?!?!?!?!”

c) Martyr mode. “I can’t do anything right. You must be so sick of me. I’m so stupid. I bet you hate me now. Boo hoo, boo hoo, boo hoo hoo hoo.”

d) Minimize and dismiss. “You’re such a perfectionist! Why do you always have to make a mountain out of a molehill? You’re soooooo sensitive. If you’re so unhappy with how I do things, why don’t you do it yourself?!”

e) Rage.

f) All of the above.

You can begin cooking, cleaning up, etc., only for yourself. However, don’t be surprised if their clutter stacks become high rises and their bathroom sink becomes caked with toothpaste, shaved hairs and other nastiness. This measure isn’t possible if you share kids with them, of course.

Mature adults and good partners don’t dump their share of household responsibility onto the other partner. If your girlfriend, wife, boyfriend or husband engages in strategic incompetence, I wager it isn’t their only selfish, immature, exploitative and shitty behavior. Do you really want to live with this?

#AbuseHasNoGender

[*The earliest use I can find for the term Strategic incompetence is by Robert Sutton, PhD author of "The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't, which is a really good book!]

#NarcissistDictionary” “Why do you hate me?!?!”

Translation: “Why are you holding me #accountable?! Why aren’t you #enabling me!? Why aren’t you letting me weasel out of #consequences for my shitty behavior?! Why aren’t you accepting my usual meaningless non-apologies and platitudes and hitting the reset button on the #AbuseCycle?!?!”i

Frequently, this manipulation tactic is punctuated with a “You’re just so mean!!!” or “I wish I were dead!! I should just kill myself!!!” Followed by the #narcissist, #histrionic or #borderline running from the room, the slamming of doors and loud theatrical sobbing.

AND SCENE.

What’s the objective of this particular melodrama?

To yet again evade personal responsibility, and to manipulate you into apologizing to and comfort your abuser. It’s pretty perverse. It also hits your #FOG buttons – fear, obligation and guilt.

Fear that she or he might actually harm themselves. Fear that they’ll wake the kids or that a concerned neighbor will call the police. Guilt if they actually were to hurt themselves (they likely won’t). Obligation to take care of someone who APPEARS to be hurting. They’re not. They’re angry and frustrated that they’re losing control and that their usual manipulation tactics are no longer working.

Have you ever experienced a version of this?

#AbuseHasNoGender #BPD #NPD #HPD

She's so crazy . . .
How crazy is she?!?
She's so crazy her eggshells walk on eggshells.

(Hey, it's Friday.)

#AbuseHasNoGender #borderline #narcissist #histrionic #BPD #NPD #HPD

While this hasn't actually happened to clients who've tried doing #CouplesTherapy with a #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic partner or ex, I do have clients that were #ghosted by their couples therapist after the #NPD, #BPD, #HPD's mask slipped.

#AbuseHasNoGender

#NarcissistDictionary: “I got screwed!"

In #NPD, #BPD, #HPD-ese this means, “I have to share 50/50 physical custody, no #alimony, he gets to keep the house because it’s a premarital asset and I can’t pay the mortgage and minimal child support! Not fair! #Waaagh!!!”

No sweetheart, you didn’t get screwed. This is what most rational adults call fair. And it's about as close to fair as most dads can hope to get.

A #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic believes they got screwed if they:

1) Don’t get a bigger slice of pie (e.g., majority custody, more marital assets than they contributed to the marriage).

2) Don't get away with their lies and other deprivations without #accountability or #consequence.

3) Don’t get special recognition, accolades and other rewards without doing the work. For example, being seen as an expert for their opinions absent any actual scholarship and working in a specialty field. Or as I like to say, just because you’ve been a passenger on an airplane doesn’t mean you’re qualified to fly one (regardless of how much YouTube research you may have done).

4) Have to play by the same rules/laws the rest of us mere mortals abide by.

So, if your NPD/BPD/HPD partner or ex is caterwauling about life being unfair or getting screwed, it likely means they’ve experienced accountability, consequences and/or managed to accidentally stumble upon a two-way street with no double standards.

#AbuseHasNoGender

#RedFlag: It seems like everyone's a victim these days. Yes, some people who claim to have been victimized have objectively truly been harmed (not the #MyTruth truth, which are usually lies).

Unlike #ProfessionalVictims, these individuals don't build an identity (and a career) centered on being a #victim. They seek support, heal, get on with their lives and are capable of having healthy, functional relationships.

Furthermore, professional victims are often the actual aggressors in their relationships. So, when a new acquaintance, date, coworker, etc., launches into their tales of victimhood and grievances upon first meeting them, exercise caution. Switch off your empathy, and ask yourself why this stranger is telling you such intimate (and possibly false) details about their history.

Best case scenario, they're freshly out of a bad relationship and are vulnerable (and not yet relationship ready). Worst case scenario, they're sizing you up to be their next #NPD, #HPD, #BPD happy meal.

Give people who do the following a VERY wide berth and don't share anything too personal with them (i.e., keep it superficial and arm's length):

1) Makes money from victimhood claims (especially absent any criminal complaints/convictions of the alleged perp).

2) Brags about being able to wallpaper their living rooms with restraining orders against multiple former partners. In this case, the restraining orders are trophies of the many exes they've abused.

3) Is an “influencer”/seeks followers and attention from being a victim.

4) Trashes their supposed #narcissist ex(es) online while taking support money and refusing to get an actual job. Extra caution points if they're continuously back in #FamilyCourt trying to take custody away from their ex over objectively stupid shit. For example, not replying to their #HighConflictDivorce name-calling, demands to ignore/violate the custody order at will and other petty dramas.

5) Still identifies as a victim and hates their ex with the same venomous intensity years after the relationship has ended. Non-#PersonalityDisorder people are able to eventually let go of their hurt, anger and resentment and move on.

If you choose to ignore these warning signs, odds are you'll become the professional victim's next victim.

#AbuseHasNoGender #histrionic #borderline #AmberHeard #DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife #MeghanMarkle

Mr/Ms Fix-It, you may genuinely be a helpful and giving person. But, be honest.

You didn’t try “saving,” “rescuing” or “fixing” all your #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic partners and exes with the goal of letting them go once they were all “better” (i.e., mission impossible), like somekind of #Crazy catch and release program, did you?

You do/did this hoping they’d be grateful and be able to love you in return, right? Maybe it's time to direct some of that fix-it energy toward yourself.

#AbuseHasNoGender #BPD #NPD #HPD #TheMoreYouKnow

Beware the #ValentinesDay #Hoover, #LoveBomb, "let's be friends," "I just want to #coparent" trojan horse. To quote Admiral Akbar, "It's a trap!"

Also, beware of cats bearing gifts ;)

#AbuseHasNoGender #NPD #BPD #HPD #narcissist #borderline #Histrionic

Look familiar, anyone? What triggers this #bodylanguage in your #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic partner/ex uses?

Being told no?
Not getting her/his way?
Being exposed and getting a smackdown in #FamilyCourt?
Having their alternate reality and lies challenged?
Being held #accountable?

If you don't back down or conform to their wishes, what would happen/happens next?

#AbuseHasNoGender

#BIFF communication is an important part of #ParallelParenting with a #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic ex. In case you haven’t noticed, the #BPD, #NPD, #HPD parent frequently uses tests, emails, #OurFamilyWizard and/or #TalkingParents messages to #lie, #gaslight, #project, #BlameShift, make #FalseAllegations of #abuse and build a performative #VictimNarrative for the #FamilyCourt judge, #GAL, #CustodyEvaluators, #Coparenting therapists, #ParentalCoordinators, etc.

It can be difficult not to fall into a lengthy #JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) reply. Even though the judge and other court remora are supposed to review all documentation, many of them don’t. Especially when you and the ex have generated multiple file boxes of endless messages documenting your respective dysfunction. (JADE-ing is dysfunctional).

Not responding to lies, false allegations, bullshit victim narratives, #DARVO and the recounting of incidents or things the kids allegedly tell the #ClusterB parent that the BPD/NPD/HPD distorts/takes out of context can be extremely anxiety provoking for clients. And understandably so.

For example, oftentimes, before a client can get a temporary custody order from the court, #Crazy will either refuse to let clients have time with the kids or refuse to agree to a regular custody schedule. Instead, Crazy changes exchange days and times at will, making it near impossible for the other parent to plan and for everyone (except Crazy) to know where the kids will be day-to-day (including the kids). Whatever Crazy’s intention, the result is chaos, uncertainty, unpredictably and drama, which is Crazy’s jam.

Recently, a client’s ex told the children’s therapist that son is always asking her “How many days until I have to go back to dad’s?” claiming he has a lot of anxiety about having to leave her to go to dad’s. In reality, the kids were also asking dad about the custody schedule because there wasn’t a temporary custody schedule for 9 months (because Crazy refused and it took that long to get in front of a judge). Kids and dad didn’t know what the schedule would be because Crazy would demand exchanges a day early than originally agreed, extend the stays with her indefinitely, refuse to let dad take the kids to activities if she couldn’t tag along (including Father’s Day). Like I said, CRAZY.

Let’s break down what happened here.

1) Crazy creates the problem (refusing to agree to a regular custody schedule) and no one knows where the kids will be week to week.

2) Kids are confused/anxious and ask both parents questions.

3) Dad is walking a fine line of reassuring the kids and not “trashing” mom by telling the kids the truth that Crazy #ControlFreak mom won’t agree to the schedule. Instead, he tries to reassure them that he and mom are working on it.

4) Crazy then takes the kids confusion and anxiety THAT SHE CREATED by refusing to be reasonable and put the kids’ best interests ahead of her pathological need to control and says, “Aha! The kids have high anxiety about going to dad’s”

And that’s how the crazy sausage is made.

Therefore, it IS important to respond to the lies, distortions and half-truths that Crazy spews like a 24/7 bullshit factory. However, you do that directly to the judge, evaluator, GAL, etc. Or rather, your attorney lays it out for the court remora if they won’t listen to you, the penis parent.

Dispelling Crazy’s lies point by point and writing will only net you more lies and performative victim playing in writing. And then the court apparatchik have even more word diarrhea to not read/get it backwards that you and Crazy are both the problem.

A BIFF reply to Crazy to this type of nonsense is, “I remember the conversation/meeting/incident differently.” Or, I rather like Queen Elizabeths response to the Markle’s lies, “Recollections may vary.” Arguing facts and objective reality with Crazy is like mud wrestling with a pig. They enjoy it and you end up covered in slime.

#AbuseHasNoGender

#ValentinesDay greeting cards by #Shrink4Men, for when you've had enough to say, "Leave me the hell alone you lunatic."

#AbuseHasNoGender #BPD #NPD #HPD #histrionic #borderline #narcissist