YOU SPEND TWO HOURS CRAFTING "THE BALLAD OF #ANTLERPASS " BUT INSTEAD OF ANYONE SEEING IT, A LITERAL SHITPOST YOU MADE THREE MONTHS AGO CATCHES ON FIRE AND THROWS OFF 300 NOTIFICATIONS INSTEAD. I DON'T GET YOU DIRTLINGS.

5/5
#BADGOOSE HAS COME FOR MONEY AND TO FILL THE WORLD WITH JUNK
AND TO CLEAR AWAY THE LAW MAN, HE HAS BROUGHT WITH HIM #GUNSKUNK
THIS PAIR OF EVIL BASTARDS HAS THE SPIRIT AND THE GUMPTION.
TO FULLY FREE THE SURP FOR HUMAN CONTRABAND CONSUMPTION.
THERE’S MORE THAN SEVERAL FORTUNES IN THIS STICKY SWEET BROWN GOLD
AND WITHOUT THE #MOOSECOP BUTTING IN, THOSE FABLED RICHES MIGHT BE KNOWN.
THEY ROLLED IN FROM THE BORDER JUST IN TIME FOR SYRUPFEST
AND IT’S NOT CLEAR HOW THIS ENDS; PERHAPS ONE DAY WE’LL KNOW THE REST.

SO THIS IS WHERE WE STAND, MY SCATTERED FEDIVERSAL FRIENDS:
BAD GOOSE, GUN SKUNK, AND MOOSE COP RACING TOWARD A BITTER END.
WILL ANTLER PASS’S FINEST FEED THESE CRIMINALS THEIR TEETH,
OR WILL THEY FIND TWELVE FEET OF DIRT TO PUT MOOSE COP BENEATH?
WILL THEY EVER FIND THE KILLER WHO STRIPPED MOOSE WIFE AWAY
LIKE SO MANY STRIPS OF BIRCH BARK ON THAT BLACK DECEMBER DAY?
WILL OUR LOCAL LAWMAN WALK THIS LONELY NORTHERN BEAT?
MY MONEY IS ON MOOSE COP, BUT OUR STORY’S INCOMPLETE.

#AntlerPass #MooseCopHulu

4/5
#MOOSECOP IS MORE THAN A MERE ANIMAL; HE IS A NOBLE BEAST
HE BATTLES WITH HIS DEMONS, NO LESS THAN YOU OR ME.
BUT MORE THAN THAT, I THINK HE’S SAD, ALTHOUGH IT’S HARD TO SEE
EVER SINCE HE LOST HIS #MOOSEWIFE, I THINK HE’S GOT SOME PTSD
YOU CAN READ IT IN HIS FEATURES WHEN HE GOES TO THAT DARK PLACE
HER DEATH IS ANTLER PASS’S ONLY CAPITAL AND UNSOLVED CASE.
THE FROZEN GROUND, THE TRAIL OF BLOOD, THE SWIRLING WINTER SNOW;
THE CROWDED STATE PARK PARKING LOT WHERE HER KILLER’S TRAIL RAN COLD.

A NOTE TIED TO A ROCK AND THROWN CLEAR THROUGH A CABIN DOOR
MIGHT MAKE A LESSER LAWMAN DOUBT HIS RESOLVE TO ENDURE
THE THREAT OF CERTAIN VIOLENCE MANY SMALL TOWN COPS ABHOR
BUT THIS IS FUCKING MOOSE COP AND HE’S ITCHING FOR A WAR
COULD THIS BE MOOSE WIFE’S KILLER? COULD IT BE A SYRUP SMUGGLER?
PERHAPS IT’S A COP KILLER OR A JILTED MOOSE COP LOVER.
IT NEVER HAS BEEN EASY FOR A LAWMAN AND A MOOSE
BUT I DOUBT IT COULD GET HARDER THAN A VISIT FROM #BADGOOSE.

#AntlerPass #MooseCopHulu

3/5
IT’S NOT ALL WINE AND ROSES IN THIS NORTHERN TWO-HORSE BURG;
THE TOURIST MONEY COMES AND GOES; THE SKIING’S GETTING WORSE.
THE PEOPLE FROM THE CITIES BOUGHT UP COUNTLESS PROPERTIES
AND LEASE THEM OUT TO TOURISTS AS THOSE DAMNED AIRBNBS.
BUT AS FAR AS BORDER VILLAGES THAT FILL THE WOODED SPACE
‘TWEEN WASHINGTON, ONTARIO, MONTANA, AND THE LAKES,
QUEBEC AND NOVA SCOTIA, MINNESOTA AND SAULT SAINTE,
#ANTLERPASS MUST BE THE FINEST, BECAUSE ITS FINEST IS SO GREAT.

SLOSHING THROUGH THE MUSKEG OR CHEWING WILLOW BRANCHES
HE’S ALWAYS UP FOR FEEDING CRIMINALS A #MOOSECOP KNUCKLE SANDWICH
THERE’S NO LINE HE WOULDN’T CROSS, NO UNBURNABLE WOOD BRIDGE.
THE ONE THING KEEPING HIM IN LINE MUST BE HIS PARTNER, MIDGE.
WHETHER ON A STAKEOUT OR SHAKING DOWN A SYRUP SMUGGLER,
MIDGE ALWAYS TROTS OUT GOOD COP BEFORE MOOSE COP MAKES A BLUNDER.
ALTHOUGH MOOSE COP’S POLICE INSTINCTS MIGHT SEE HIM WHALING ON A PERP,
MIDGE BUTS INTO THE RAMPAGE AND ASKS: “WHO’S TRYNA #FREETHESURP ?”

#MooseCopHulu

2/5
JURISDICTION’S JUST ANOTHER WORD THAT #MOOSECOP DOESN’T KNOW
BECAUSE WHEN SOMETHING DOESN’T SET WITH HIM, THAT SOMETHING’S GOTTA GO.
HE DEFENDS LEGAL ABSTRACTIONS WITH ZEAL THAT BEGGARS BELIEF;
MOOSE COP’S OFTEN AT LOGGERHEADS WITH ANTLER PASS’S CHIEF.
“OUR BUDGET ISN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO COMMANDEER
A LOGGING TRUCK AND RAM IT THROUGH GRANDPAPPY’S SOUVENIRS”
MOOSE COP KNOWS THE DRILL AND HE WILL OFFER UP HIS GUN
BUT IT NEVER TAKE TOO LONG BEFORE HIS UNPAID LEAVE IS DONE.

THE LOCALS UNDERSTAND MC HAD CRIMINALS TO CATCH
AND HIS UNGULATE CHARISMA IS IMPOSSIBLE TO MATCH
HE CUTS A HANDSOME FIGURE IN HIS AVIATOR GLASSES,
WOODLAND KHAKI UNIFORM AND ANTLERS: TALL AND MASSIVE.
THE FOLKS AT CITY HALL ALL KNOW THAT MOOSE COP IS THEIR MAN,
AND IF PAPPY HAS A CLAIM TO FILE, HELL, THEY DAMN WELL UNDERSTAND
THE COST OF CHASING ORDER—COULD IT BE TOO HIGH TO PAY?
IF THE COST IS LOSING MOOSE COP, IT’S A COST THEY WILL NOT PAY.

#AntlerPass #MooseCopHulu

1/5
NOW GATHER ‘ROUND AND LISTEN CLOSE TO THE BALLAD OF ANTLER PASS
WHERE EACH AND EVERY LOCAL LEARNED THAT LOGGING JOBS DON’T LAST
THE SAWMILL SWALLOWED UP THE WOODS AND BROUGHT REMUNERATION
BUT THE FICKLE WINDS OF FORTUNE DO NOT FAVOR DISTANT STATIONS
SHE CLOSED HER DOORS WHEN THE PRICE OF BOARDS FELL TOO LOW TO COMPETE
AND THE SACKLERS LOOSED KING IVORY UPON THE RUTTED STREETS.
THE SPECTER STALKED FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE AND FILLED THE TOWN WITH NEED
AND SO IT FELL TO #MOOSECOP TO POLICE THIS LONELY BEAT.

MOOSE COP MIGHT BE A BASTARD, LIKE EVERY COP WHO CAME BEFORE,
BUT DAMN IT, HE’S OUR BASTARD, AND OF THIS YOU CAN BE SURE.
HE METES OUT WOODLAND JUSTICE AND HE METES IT OUT THE BEST
THE LAW’S HIS ONLY LOVER, AND ITS BREAKERS HE DETESTS.
THE SOFTEST VIOLATIONS HE WILL MARK OUT FOR ARREST;
LIKE SPEEDING IN A SUBARU OR SPORTING BLAZE ORANGE VESTS.
BUT LOOMING IN THE FOREST IS A STICKY SITUATION:
FOR BOOTLEG MAPLE SYRUP MAKES ITS WAY INTO OUR NATION.

#AntlerPass #MooseCopHulu

Handmade deer antler lamp from Antler Pass Home Decor & More. Locally made in Antler Pass- home of Moose Cop, internationally known purveyor of peace.

#moosecop
#moosecophulu
#antlerpass

Elk Detective let out an ugly cry that prompted many 911 calls. A number of people thought another high pressure line ruptured at the Antler Pass Cider Mill while others thought somebody was blasting Yoko Ono a little too loud It turns out that Sgt. Elk couldn't contain his/their joy and wailed after Jinkx Monsoon won Season 7 of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars.

#moosecop
#mooswcophulu
#elkdetective
#antlerpass
#jinkxmonsoon

So much fuss has been made of a meme featuring Moose Cop. He's such a sensation that a casual photo of him in the Antler Pass Memorial Hospital lobby makes it into national tabloids. Moose Cop was simply paying a visit to a friend who accidentally severed an artery while fishing. Our cervid celebrity was eating on plants the hospital provides for all the elk and moose who pass through.

Much ado about nothing....

#moosecop
#moosecophulu
#antlerpass

Summer lasts about three weeks in Antler Pass. That's when the town holds its annual Maple Daze street fair. You'll see men and women, elk and moose casually strolling down the closed off section of Antler Pass Avenue. Under a tent you might see maple syrup wrestling. On down from there you can watch a pancake discus throw. All of its pretty much like any given day at the Antler Pass'N Gas.

#moosecop
#moosecophulu
#antlerpass

@tickytacky

MOOSE COP strolls into the precinct after dropping MIDGE off at her desk with a nice well balanced lunch.

MOOSE COP raises his nostrils inhaling “who tf is wearing drakkar noir, Did we bust a teen shoplifter?” A swivel of the head and bulge of the eyeballs stops MOOSE COP dead in his hooves. Holy ELK PADDIES! Sgt is the spittin image “Blaine” in pretty in pink” with that scarf and perfume. “spits chewed bark and scoffs”

#moosecop
#antlerpass
#elkdetective

Elk Detective arrived in town and tossed his beret up in the air while The Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song played from the loudspeaker of the Antler Pass 'N Gas.

#moosecop
#moosecophulu
#antlerpass
#elkdetective

OK, OK, dammit to hell, I can't take it anymore! I'll tell you everything! I killed him!

Moose Cop: [continues to stare from across the small table, chewing]

#moosecop #moosecophulu #moosecopwiki #antlerpass

Mayor Fedora would have never won the election without Hungry Jack Capezio. Capezio owns all the maple syrup in Antler Pass and Mother Fedora's Toaster Pancakes don't go down well without Hungry Jack's Butter Maple Syrup. The ruthless duo's plot to make the local government of Antler Pass complacent through simple carb craving is going according to plan. The break room at the Antler Pass Police Station is always inexplicably stocked with Mother Fedora's pancakes and Hungry Jack's syrup.

#moosecop
#moosecophulu
#antlerpass
#freethesurp

Moose Cop has the perfect natural camouflage to catch those who would speed through Antler Pass, he can look like a tree or a bush or another type of tree or a moose (which he is).

#moosecop #moosecophulu #antlerpass

“When there was only one set of hoof prints, it was then that Moose Cop carried you.”

~Overheard at the First Church of Antler Pass

#moosecop #moosecophulu #antlerpass

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! Come out to the Antler Pass Speedway for some fast moose racing! The track is still icy enough for lots of high speed collisions! #moosecop #moosecophulu #antlerpass #moosecopwiki

The pancakes taste a little dry at the Antler Pass Diner. All syrup coming into town flows through Hungry Jack Capezio and he's shut off their supply. The diner had to stop serving their periodically available barbecue sandwich due to copyright infringement. Therefore, their revenue has been too low to pay pizzo to Capezio.

#moosecop
#moosecophulu
#moosecopwiki
#antlerpass

"WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, OFFICER, UH, MOOSE, SIR?"

#MOOSECOP SEETHES BUT SAYS NOTHING.

"UH, WERE WE, UH, SPEEDING?"

MOOSE COP SNORTS AND SNIFFS THE AIR.

"WE'RE JUST HEADING BACK TO--"

"HAD A GOOD TIME IN CANADA, DIDJA NOW?"

"UH, YEAH, WE HAD--"

"A BALANCED BREAKFAST, NO DOUBT."

"I GUESS. WE HAD, UH, TIMBITS."

MOOSE COP LEANS IN REAL CLOSE AND PUTS HIS HAND ON THE STEERING WHEEL. "SO, YOU MUST THINK I'M REAL FUCKING STUPID."

"WHA? NO."

"THEN WHY'S YER CAR SMELL LIKE A HUNDRED GALLONS OF EXTRA FANCY BARREL-AGED KINSIP?"

"..."

"STEP OUTTA THE CAR, SHITHEAD. I TOLD LECLERC THAT #ANTLERPASS IS CLOSED TO SYRUP SMUGGLERS."

Also #moosecop and #moosecophulu and #antlerpass need to meet https://moosecop.fandom.com/