"Calm down."
🧵

G-d, I hate those words. Always have.

#AutisticParent #AutisticMom #AutisticDad
#AutisticAwareness #AutisticAcceptance
#Autism #ADHD #AuDHD #AutisticAdults #AutisticAlly
#AutisticElder #ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic
@actuallyadhd

I've heard them pretty much every day of my long life.

Delivered in soothing tones...
Helpful tones...
Authoritative...
Anxious...
Angry...
Sometimes accompanied by a slap.

From Parents. Teachers. Priests. Playmates. Lovers. Doctors. Therapists... Each one demanding one thing of me.

👉Control over THEIR own feelings.

By demanding... control of mine.

WHO needs control when I'm sad?
Angry?
Intense?
Passionate?
Proud?
Informative...
Joyful...
or...
Suicidal?

You folks do.

I'm feeling what I'm feeling. And expressing it in ways that are not only the most natural to me... but also the most appropriate...

To the neurology I was born with.

You may not like it.
In the park.
In the grocery store.
In front of strangers.
In front of Aunt Mary.
In 2nd grade.
👇👇👇

With my office door open.
In your waiting room.
On our 3rd date.
In your house...
In *your* life.

There's a whole wing of autism deniers masquerading as scholars who say we autistics lack a "theory of mind."

Like adult autistics don't deal with typical human minds
👉 24 / 7 / 365.25 ... 👈

YOUR problem with MY behavior is easier to understand than your whole "theory of mind," "behavioral analysis" crap.

I don't get how YOU think or feel.
You don't get how * I * think or feel...
And we rub each other the wrong way. Just like cats and dogs.

👉THIS cat has a theory of *your* mind. It's simple.

You don't acknowledge what you think or feel.
Not in public.
Lots of times not even to yourself.

S'why y'all drive me crazy.

Why did parents, teachers, "helping" pros, "friends" tell me to calm down?

Not to soothe *my* distress. To soothe THEIR distress.

👉 Shame?
Not fun to feel ashamed... of your child.

👉 Fear?
Scary when everybody's looking at you.
And you think it's not even your fault.

👉 Anger?
It's frustrating... when you have no control.
Like... when I don't do what you want me to. Fast enuff.

👉 Soothing?
Of course, YOU need soothing...

Every time someone else's pain...
Or bad luck...
Or death...
Reminds you of YOUR danger.

🚨 "Calm down." 🚨

There is never a time that a command...
implying that an autistic person in distress is doing "something wrong"...
helps.

Doesn't matter our age... education... profession... wealth.

And since your "helpful advice" almost certainly inflames their pain... literally adding fuel to the fire in our hearts, minds, and bodies...

You'll NEVER get the outcome you demand... soothing.

You'll just add one more brick to the prison wall of our trauma.

#AskingAutistics

#introduction

In telecom since 2002. Accumulated experience in tech support, ops, implementation, project & people management, and most recently regulatory and SOC2 compliance. Outside of work I am a human swiss-army knife of hobbies and self-education.

#ADHD and #AutisticParent. Reflexively cynical, sarcastic, pendantic, and yet also continuously striving to be kind. Results are mixed.

Liberal, married, bisexual, and firmly believe that other people's genitals are none of my business.

In a reversal of the way it usually happens, the children at school have convinced Zip that the tooth fairy is real and now I don’t know what to do. Get cash out for the first time in like 4+ years?? Buy him a toy instead? 🤔

I used to just add $5 to his pocket money tally.

He is seven and he has never believed in the tooth fairy before and I am uncomfortable encouraging this tbh.

He was like 5 years old before he had the language skills to understand the Santa mythos and cried and didn’t want to go to bed because he was scared of a strange man creeping into the house and I re-assured him that Santa was pretend and the presents were from me and his dad.

So, much to my autistic literal truth valuing relief, we have just done without the “magic” of the child-lie trio… until now, apparently.

Zip struggles to understand people having different opinions about things and having access to different sets of information. I really struggle to explain that different people believe different things…

And he does NOT understand how to pretend without him giving us regular reminders that it is “just pretend”.

He also understands "secrets" as "fun things to whisper into the ear of literally everyone you know".

Okay so apparently when encountering my scepticism about the tooth fairy he is replicating the arguments of his school peers and declaring that I should wait and see and then I will know the tooth fairy is real... 🤡

#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticParent #AutisticChild

A few years ago when my autistic child needed work at the dentist they had to knock her out and do the work. They did X-rays, fillings, and extractions that she wouldn’t let them do while awake.

Waking from anesthesia was a meltdown that took hours to calm.

Now today, she had an adult tooth filling and a baby tooth removed. She took two shots of Novacaine and had that metal thing in her mouth to hold it open.

Despite being uncomfortable, she didn’t cry at all.

This is the result of us working with the dentist who also has an autistic child. Every day we brushed our child’s teeth to help her get use to someone working in it and constant emotional support.

Proud of her. Also glad she was not traumatized today.

#actuallyautistic #autisticparent

There’s too much laughter in this neurodiverse house!

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic #autisticparent #neurodiverse #neurodiversefamily

Caught up with #RichardLinklater and watched “Where’d You Go, Bernadette.”

A comedy/drama about a famous architect played by #CateBlanchett who disappeared from the scene for 20 years and deals with the mess of her life. Although her life is filled with foibles most of it is due to how other people treat her and her social anxiety. As an #actuallyautistic artist and parent I related a lot to her.

Also as an #autisticparent I connected with the mother/daughter relationship. The daughter is so protective of her socially challenged mother that so many scenes threatened my heart. It reminded me of my kids.

And of course #BillyCrudup was great as the struggling husband who cares a little too much about others’ views. It all wraps up nicely.

#comedyfilms #dramaticfilms #indiefilm #quirky#Watching #amwatching

Still trying to learn the ways of Mastodon after #TwitterMigration but the thing I keep seeing is ‘make an #introduction post’ so here goes…
I am #ActuallyAutistic, also think I have #ADHD but can’t access a diagnosis where I live. Identify as #AuDHD :) Also a #ChronicIllness person and identify as #disabled. Really passionate about #access and #inclusion and likely to talk a lot about that once I get going - in particular my own experience as an #AutisticProfessional, an #AutisticParent of an #autistic child, and being #LateDiagnosed.
I founded @LiveToYourLR (we’re not very active on here yet but have the same handle across all social platforms) during lockdown to help musicians and audiences connect with each other. We’ve now been running high-quality #folk and #acoustic #OnlineGigs for nearly three years, because despite what you might hear, #CovidIsNotOver and actually even taking that out of the equation, #gigs just aren’t all that #accessible for a lot of people.
I might also talk about #adoption and #trauma as I’m an #adoptiveparent of seven years and still on a massive learning and self-reflection curve. Wrote a couple of books about the #psychology of adoption and how you can use #music and #singing to support child development, which I will get VERY nerdy about, given half a chance. I sometimes blog about stuff on my website if there’s something on my mind, which you can find at catmcgill.uk.
Also I have six #cats. Most of the photos of them go on Instagram though as that’s how my brain works.
Looking forward to making connections and learning interesting things, and struggling to resist the urge to ask if I’ve done this right…

The main thing holding me back from completely leaving twitter is all the other autistic adults I created relationships with who don’t yet have mastodon.

I really hope everyone will be able to migrate over, I know change is hard 😩

#autisticparent #autisticadult #autisticparents #autisticadults #ActuallyAutistic #askingautistics #autistic #autism #TwitterMigration #mastodonmigration

I prefer to call them Angel wings 😁

#actuallyautistic #neurodiversity #autisticchildren #autisticparent

@ferrous @actuallyautistic That is a fantastic resource, especially to the #AutisticParent

@simid yes thank you for the re-share! I have only just started writing articles and blogs. #autisticparent #autisticteacher advocating for better understanding of neurodivergence in education and mental health. Nice to be here

Thank you x

@peppernut @actuallyautistic hurrah 2 of us using #autisticparent hashtag on here ..... the community will grow, nice to meet you x

My belated #Introduction

She/They

Former Video Game Designer, current dilettante. Making/crafting, momming, cooking but not baking, not good with sarcasm or cynicism. Cats. Autistic. American expat in Montreal.

I try to be kind.

@actuallyautistic

#ActuallyAutistic
#CatsofMastodon
#Webcomics
#Duolingo
#Knitting
#Crafting
#GameDev
#AutisticParent
#OpenSource

My belated #Introduction

She/They

Former Video Game Designer, current dilettante. Making/crafting, momming, cooking but not baking, not good with sarcasm or cynicism. Cats. Autistic. American expat in Montreal.

I try to be kind.

#ActuallyAutistic
#CatsofMastodon
#Webcomics
#Duolingo
#Knitting
#Crafting
#GameDev
#AutisticParent
#OpenSource

My belated #Introduction

She/They

Former Video Game Designer, current dilettante. Making/crafting, momming, cooking but not baking, not good with sarcasm or cynicism. Cats. Autistic. American expat in Montreal.

I try to be kind.

#ActuallyAutistic
#CatsofMastodon
#Webcomics
#Duolingo
#Knitting
#Crafting
#GameDev
#AutisticParent
#OpenSource

@actuallyautistic

My 11 year old autistic/adhd daughter freaked out her teacher today because the teacher asked her what was in her travel mug, and she answered "coffee."

Sometimes, to get her out of the house in the morning, I give her a big ol' mug of milk with coffee in it, like a reverse of a coffee with cream. It both feeds her needed calories and gives her "big girl" feels.

I'm expecting whatever the Canadian version of CPS is at my door any moment.

#ActuallyAutistic
#AutisticParent
#HorribleMother

Okay, I guess listing a bunch of hashtags is a thing? I can do the thing.

I'm a former video game designer, burned out hard after fifteen years in the industry. I do crafting/making, costuming, momming, cooking but not baking, a bit of guitaring, a bunch of single player gaming. I'm autistic and I struggle with French while living in Montreal.

#actuallyautisic #AutisticAdults #autisticparent #webcomics #ravelry #catsofmastodon #makerspace #pratchett #steamgame