My partner: "Well, once again, I can't argue with that."

#AutisticRelationships

A situation has made clear that my partner *still* doesn't believe me about my experiences

despite seeing the day-to-day evidence

despite me writing him thousands of words about it (with sources)

despite me performing it out loud in therapy for him.

I get that they are atypical, and extremely far from his experience.

But I got *kicked out of the house at 15* because I would not tell a lie.

I think I deserve more trust and understanding than this.

#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticRelationships

He seems to be listening. Taking steps. Accepting the truth of what I'm saying. I do wish it required less repetition and effort, though.

I'm leaving a love note in his underwear. I'm reverting to full-on authentic at this point, indulging whatever nonsense idea I come up with.

... Although, admittedly, that approach did make me wonder if I was going to get shot the other day.

#AutisticRelationships

The counsellor had given me the questions well in advance, as an accommodation.

But then she said *since* I had the questions in advance, I could just talk about whatever I wanted.

I bluescreened so hard my partner had to intervene.

#AutisticRelationships

He has said no to the wild garden idea, the man who broke up with me four weeks ago, but I have detected a pattern,

which is that he initially says no,

and then he eventually realizes I'm right,

and then he eventually agrees to subdelegate.

#AutisticRelationships

#AutisticRelationships
#ActuallyAutistic

(I can only give four options)

@doggle Interesting question (and interesting replies)! :gi:

I can’t add much myself except to say that being in a fairly new relationship with another late-diagnosed Autistic woman has been a tricky experience 🙃

Yes, there are things that are easier for us to understand about each other, but other things that are unfathomably hard, perhaps because we’ve both come out of long relationships (20+ years) with presumably-allistic partners 🤔

#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticRelationships

Sometimes I flirt via Costco, sometimes I flirt via etymological dictionary.

#AutisticRelationships

Sometimes I flirt via Costco, sometimes I flirt via etymological dictionary.

#AutisticRelationships

I'm giving my partner my Costco website password so he can look for sales on yard stuff. This is extremely romantic.

Next weekend he wants to work on his shed, which has been falling apart for years. Rotting at the bottom, occupied by an angry squirrel.

I've told him of course I'll help, just like he helps me with my stuff.

But I also added we should perhaps see about hiring a professional to install a new shed on a proper foundation.

Not my most subtle metaphor.

#AutisticRelationships

It's been a slightly challenging evening, but I'm pleased to report I've discovered an autistic socializing trick.

Sometimes during a group conversation there's a point I want to contribute but (1) I have some doubt whether allistics will see the obvious relevance of my comment, and (2) I can't handle attempting mouth words over other nearby mouth words and also loud music.

So here is the trick: I use a regular-volume voice directed just to my partner, and then he handles allistic interpretation and (where appropriate) broadcasting.

My point gets added to the conversation with minimal effort. It's a good trick.

Currently on repeat:

Chumbawumba, Tubthumping

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H5uWRjFsGc

#AutisticRelationships, #CassandraFM

It is possible my partner is enjoying the game of guessing which food textures I will object to.

#AutisticRelationships

I'm considering preparing an agenda for a phone call with my partner tonight.

I'm writing down points to remember to share anyway, and it is a short jump from there to an actual notice of meeting.

#AutisticRelationships

My partner: Are you sure you don't want a ride home?

Me: Yes, I'm sure.

[I like walking. I've talked about this before on here and I likely will again and I'm annoyed at the limitations of the search function so I guess I'm going to have to start using hashtags like #JohnMastodon intended.

[... Free casting idea: #SonequaMartin-Green (#SonequaMartinGreen?) as John Mastodon, a high-tech action-packed hacker-turned-hero flick.. [#KeanuReeves is also invited..]]

]

My partner: Are you sure you won't be cold?

Me (autistically): Well, no, I can't be sure about that, but it's a high probability: [list of factors].

And actually I was a bit cold, but not uncomfortably so, on a purposeful walk through a night full of moon and stars, ruminating on warm new memories and exciting new plans to develop.

[For serious, get on it, #Hollywood / #StarTrekIndustrialComplex.]

#AutisticRelationships #WalkingIsStimming

My partner suggested we do a particular activity last weekend and I said "yes, and you should invite your mother" because I thought she would enjoy it too and he feels guilty about not spending enough time with her.

[I've considered doing a poll on this, on the average frequency and length of interactions between aging parents and adult children, to have actual human facts to argue at his guilt. I haven't, though, because I'm concerned it could come across like a passive-aggressive attempt to get him to spend less time with her. This would be an uncharitable interpretation, completely without foundation, but lord knows allistic people love those.

(Also I think there are too many factors to get usable crowd-sourced data.)]

Anyway, so we did the activity and everyone was happy, and she asked us about our plans the next day and I said "Probably nothing together" and she laughed.

Which seems fair. It was an atypical thing to say, but saying typical things bores me.

(It is perhaps also relevant that he and I were basically sitting on each other at the time. He seems to consider this an appropriate level of contact in front of his mother, and I happily defer to his judgment here.)

ANYWAY, so, his mother laughed quizzically at me but it happens to be the truth: planned time apart is good for us, for the two of *us.* We exchange tiny love notes full of gleeful emojis about all the things we accomplished in the other's absence, sometimes with "thinking of you"-type attachments.

All I've ever wanted is an epistolary relationship where my brain and body and heart partner is often there, but also often he fucks off to do his own thing.

#AutisticRelationships, #AutisticOCDRelationships

(#Autistic-OCD-Relationships?)

My partner has had a block of tofu sitting in his fridge for ages, and he mentioned last week he'd been neglecting some naan in his freezer. So, having no better ideas for dinner tonight, I decided to google that particular combination of foodstuffs. Among the internet's bounty, the recipe I chose for tonight's kitchen adventure: za'atar tofu naan wraps.

(https://www.thekitchn.com/zaatar-tofu-naan-wraps-recipe-23215403)

I'd never had za'atar before. I mainly knew it as a thing beloved by Flame the Sled Dog (as recounted by Blair Braverman on Twitter), and it is rare enough here that it took me three grocery stores to find any. But that's what I'm doing now: devoting time to the kitchen specifically and the meatsack generally. So. For the "locate and obtain rare items" part of the quest too: [Final Fantasy "success" duh-duh-duhs].

Cooking is also an adventure. I'm getting much better at prep but I ask my partner to handle the steps that feel beyond my current skill level (like "pour oil in a way that doesn't result in mess or injury" (or, this past Friday, "handle chicken without causing food poisoning")). We are very good in the kitchen together. Rarely in the other's way, and each constantly scanning for a useful thing to do. It is enjoyable teamwork.

And then the reward: the food is usually delicious, and we both end up with leftovers (which is helping with the ARFID, e.g. I just heated up leftover Thai red curry chicken despite it being "too late" to eat).

I really think it might be the best idea I ever had, countering his stress-based "let's not see each other on weekdays" with "actually let's cook dinner together Mondays and Fridays."

#AutisticRelationships

Following the minutes, I have now added the headings ACTION ITEM and ADDENDUM.

#AutisticRelationships

I am attempting to whisk some eggs for a goat cheese frittata. My attempt involves poking at the yolks with the whisk and then stirring gently, the bowl flat on the counter, because my prophesy otherwise is egg goo everywhere.

My partner says (a refrain): "I will show you a trick."

He picks up the bowl and tilts it toward himself, and uses a fork in much smaller, quicker strokes than mine. An egg tornado, challenging the lip of the bowl.

I balk at attempting this. Speed = lack of precision -> mess. I *will* fuck this up, I explain. (I will dirty your pristine house.)

But he insists.

So I make a "this is on *you*" face and take the bowl over to the sink. I do not fuck with gravity and motion to the extent he did; clearly he does not have the same history with them as I do. But I try, and his way works. We get to eat the egg instead of cleaning it off the floor.

Clear explanations, understanding and patience. What a fucking blessing.

#AutisticRelationships

I started musing a while ago about finding autistic-OCD a good relationship pairing...

https://eldritch.cafe/@Cassandra/109736209075798533...

And it's definitely true that my partner and I both benefit from him clearly explaining how he does things to me.

But what I'm thinking about now is the non-judgmental aspect of it. I don't care *what* the rule is - allisitic rules are *often* arbitrary - I just need it to be clear and consistent.

I believe my partner is enjoying not being judged for his harmless habits. And, since he is not a hypocrite, I get the same "it's atypical but whatever" benefit re: my harmless weirdness too.

I would be interested in others' thoughts on this. (I need to read more about OCD.)

#AutisticRelationships

I'm bringing the label maker tomorrow.

(He admitted it is arbitrary and thus unknowable that different types of spatulas are stored in different places.)

#AutisticRelationships