It's finally over. We've been outbid after 30 hours of bidding for the apartment. I have not been this stressed and tense in a long time and I am close to a meltdown/shutdown. Originally we had plans to go for a games and movies concert by a semi professional orchestra but even if I maybe could cope with the concert I don't think I can cope with rushing there, the transport and the people.

#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticStruggles

Bracing myself for a big birthday party of SO's Dad. They are expecting ~ 30 people & I'm prepared for when I run out of peopeling energy - I will go somewhere quiet & I will warn them beforehand. I never really understood it before but with these things there almost always comes a point when suddenly I feel like an alien, outside observer, pretend human. I get sad & exhausted & wanna leave but noone understands...

#ActuallyAutistc #AutisticStruggles #SensoryOverload #AutisticMasking

Sheesh, I need to take the bus & already at the station there's two people who's perfume gives me teary eyes from several meters apart.

#AutisticStruggles #ActuallyAutistc #SensoryNightmare

The interruption... I tried to figure out what was happening, why I felt so so bad all of the sudden, SO was reacting to the tension & asked to drop it bc it was so minor. I snapped a little saying I am trying to process these feelings... Now I am teary in the bedroom under my weighted blanket bc I feel so bad & needed space. Feeling weird for being set off by something so small...

#ActuallyAustic #AutisticStruggles

Yesterday I could clearly pinpoint the moment I had expended too much peopleing energy: I was teaching someone about a machine in the lab & my good. Filling 2 hours with talking and explaining was so draining! I crashed on the sofa all evening!
#actuallyAutisticAtWork #ActuallyAutistc #AutisticStruggles

Worst thing about looking for an apartment is that now agents have my phone number & seem to prefer to call... 🙈 So intrusive. Also, I am busy working... 🙄 So glad I have been able to deactivate my voicemail!

#AutisticStruggles #ActuallyAutistc

I've been quite stressed this week but more in a "lot of work" & "too much peopleing" kind of way & I am happy not in a "I've been set up to fail & too many things remain unsolved" kind of way. The exhaustion is there but mentally I feel better at least bc I got more closure.
When I had #sleepIssues I've really enjoyed spot the object games on my switch. It's capturing enough to keep away the anxious spirals & unexciting enough to make me tired.
#AutisticStruggles #ActuallyAutistc

Ugh! Usually lab work is my safe place but today someone is sitting close to me with entirely too much perfume and it's giving me a headache 😔 #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyAutisticAtWork #AutisticStruggles

Trying to coerce myself into drinking more water today as to avoid headache again. Brought my water bottle with ice and lemon slices because I am in a phase where plain water is just so boring and my body doesn't really register thirst. 😂
#ActuallyAutisticAtWork #ActuallyAutistic #AutisticStruggles #BadInteroception

I'm a little dehydrated today and a bit extra sensitive to noise/pressure on the head. So I am constantly just switching between bare ears & listening to electricity, noise cancelling headphones which hurt my head after a while and loop earplugs which also bother me after a short while 😬
#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticStruggles #NoiseSensitivity

Ugh, I got totally overstimulated by visual clutter at home so I'm just stress-tidying now 🙈
#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticStruggles #overstimulation

Slow processing & alexithymia are difficult sometimes! Yesterday I snapped at partner who was interrupting my knitting (haven't felt like doing my special interests in weeks& was starting of with something more difficult). I definitely had some sensory overload mixed in & was just so agitated & everything & everyone but that realisation came after the fact. I think I once more overestimated how well I was feeling 🙈 #AutisticStruggles #ActuallyAutistic #alexithymia #SpecialInterests

I've been up an hour again... I'm kind of just so sad. I don't want this to be my life. It's too much. It's breaking me. Went to the sofa to lie under the weighted blanket, not sure I'll get more sleep though ☹️
#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticStruggles #insomnia

It's getting super frustrating with the sleep again.. seriously, I wake up from every single thing around 5-6 and it's so upsetting because I am exhausted and I could have had another 1-2 h of sleep. Makes me resentful of even the littlest things, like partner rolling over a bit much to my side etc. Had to get up to get some space and have a bit of a cry.
#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticStruggles

Aaargh! I thought my anxiety had decreased a bit & I was just super exhausted... Woke up 1 h before alarm again & my brain just had nothing better to do than think about work. 😑😑😑
This is so frustrating. My attempts to think about other things bc my work thoughts are not useful just anxious were not very successful ☹️
#ActuallyAutisticAtWork #AutisticStruggles #ActuallyAutistic

First meeting went ok! Definitely didn't need to be this anxious abt it & got what I wanted.
Still feel apprehensive abt colleague, who wanted the meeting but was not prepared with info to properly discuss& plan (so strange, right?). It was his loss though, I think, bc he couldn't show his workload but I could show mine. It validated a point I made in an earlier email & which I felt extremely insecure abt after colleague's reaction.
#AutisticStruggles #ActuallyAutisticAtWork #ActuallyAutistic

Ugh, m currently baseline is so anxious.. I haven't slept a full proper night in a long time, and when I do it's out of utter exhaustion. I need to talk to my manager when she's back so badly! 😬
#ActuallyAutisticAtWork #AutisticAF #ActuallyAutistic #AutisticStruggles

I'm not doing so well these days. I'm absolutely exhausted after work (too much peopeling, being on standby, putting out fires) & I fall asleep on the couch every single night. Then going to bed & I sleep mediocrely at best. Makes me sad that I don't really have a life beyond work right now. 😓
I'm afraid of #burnout too.
#ActuallyAutisticAtWork #AutisticStruggles #ActuallyAutistic

And feeling a little better now that I will come with & won't be alone. I feel a bit bad, I know partner looked forward to some alone time ☹️ low key afraid of partner thinking this is manipulative too.. 😬 but knowing I won't be alone & getting a cry out helped a lot. I think everything just stacked up. A nightmarish time at work recently, incident w/ coworker yesterday, bad belly, bad sleep, heavy episode = overload?
#ActuallyAutistic #AutisticStruggles

Arrrgghh. I feel so fucking left alone with all these things at work.. I have so much on me, too many last minute things and I feel very stressed and bad right now. I am barely holding in tears and it's all so overwhelming. 😭 I wann cry and just run away from it all. #ActuallyAutisticAtWork #AutisticStruggles