Morning arrived like an enormous beaver cosplaying Scarlet O’Hara—Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a dam. #badnoir

Morning arrived like a wallaby in a jump jet—no not that kind. Boing! Whooosh! Argh! Boing! Whoooosh! *machine gun noises* *screams* "Krikey, damned civilians!" Boing! Whoosh! #badnoir

Morning arrived like a tempest in a teapot—sure, it doesn’t sound like much, but then you try to pour a cuppa, and lightning strikes the bridge of your glasses and a sudden crossdraft blows the cat off the table. #badnoir

Morning arrived like a mandatory software update…for your brain—there’s no way to avoid it and now you can’t remember what you were going to………dammit! #badnoir

Morning arrived like the dawning realization that you shouldn’t be driving that bulldozer…down a residential street…in…Kansas? How did I…nevermind, step one: figure out how to raise the blade. Step two: get the cops to turn off those damn sirens. #badnoir

Morning arrived like that time you woke up on the fish ladder…outside Seattle…during spawning season…didn’t it? There’s no harm in admitting it. Who among us can say the same hasn’t happened to…really? Just me? Huh… Nevermind. #badnoir

Morning arrived like a pack of theropods in therapy—grrrr, grrrrow, hooot! Hoooot? Hooot. Hooot. Good session, guys, I think we made a lot of progress toda…stop chewing my leg, Bob. #badnoir

Morning arrived like a wombat in a wind tunnel—yep, still flies like a brick…an adorable fluffy brick. #badnoir

Morning arrived like a SPAM sphinx—a sculpture in cutlets rotting in the desert sun. The skunk of simulated meat colossi. #badnoir

Morning arrived like a weregoldfish—it’s here to kill y…wait, is that the other side of my tank? I was going to…wait, is that the other side of tank? I…wait, how many…wait, am I swimming in circ…wait… #badnoir

Morning arrived like a bucket full of temptation: it looks great until it's spattered all over everything and you're calling in that I-need-help-disposing-of-body favor. #badnoir

Morning arrived like a full sized gummi Godzilla— stretchy, yummy, and OH MY GHODS AND MONSTERS IT'S TIPPING O— *squish*.

Sure, it's fun until someone is crushed by 11,000,000 pounds of confectionery. Then, it's funny.

#badnoir

Morning arrived like a robotic knee replacement…from a murderbot! Red knee in the morning, neighbors take warning. Nothing like having your knee go on a beheading spree at first light to start your day off with a bang and end it with a splash… #badnoir

Morning arrived like a kettle of poorly made instant mashed potatoes—bland, boneless, uninspiring, and all too likely to be featured as a monster on late season Doctor Who (once the budget runs out). #badnoir

Morning arrived like an ent in Armani with a briefcase—if you thought human lawyers were long winded you are in for the longest day's journey into night. #badnoir

Morning arrived like a recently deceased skunk—you know that no matter how much it stinks right now, it's only going to get worse as you get to know it better. #badnoir

Morning arrived like a walrus in a track suit—it’s going for a run no matter what you…wait, what do you mean I have no knees? That’s ridic………ah shit. *tusk plant* #badnoir

Morning arrived like the Ark of Convent—if you look when it opens you get a ruler across the knuckles. #badnoir

Morning arrived like a pack of rabid dingoes in ball gowns—it’s here to tear you to bloody shreds, but it’s going look absolutely fabulous as a dozen pairs of pearly whites sink into your sleeping body. #badnoir

Morning arrived like a box of rocks—sadly, it was then elected to high public office. #badnoir