I drew an interesting line today, instinctively and I now think justifiably.

My partner makes a habit of pretending to be fine. Apparently most people respond by pretending back that he is fine. Apparently this has the desired effect of causing him to expend *even more effort* pretending to be fine, and then "fine" somehow becomes true. Apparently he wanted *me* to respond this way too (pretending he is fine).

But I think it's more likely he'll burn the fuck out from all the effort than that he'll magically become fine. So even though it kills me to say no when he's asking for my help in a specific way, I declined to participate in this bit of acting.

With additional thought, I would now describe it as in essence a request to participate in allistic collective delusion. Everyone pretends everything is fine until something explodes.

... No.

(So, since no metaphor shall be left unmangled, some days he'll let the drawbridge down and I'll be like, "no, you clearly don't need a merchant today, I'm just going to go fuck around on the internet, you take a nap or something.")

#AutisticRelationships #BoundariesCheerleader

Me: "Do you want to say up front that you want to be home by 2?"

Him: "... Hmm."

#BoundariesCheerleader

One of my favourite roles vis-à-vis my overwhelmed, perfectionist partner is "boundaries cheerleader."

"It's okay to set boundaries" is a new concept I've been introducing him to, and 😠🖕​​ at a society that told us both the opposite for 40-some years.

Since beginning to set boundaries is emotionally terrifying, I am *aggressively* reinforcing every instinct he displays in this regard.

"Do you *want* to go to a dinner party two nights in a row?" (It is okay to negotiate something that works better for you.)

"What if instead of [high pressure gesture by Friday] you instead did [low pressure but equally considerate gesture next week]?" (Be gentle with yourself. Guard your time.)

"You do not owe it to *anybody* to keep repeating situations that cause you pain." (Your feelings are valid.)

It's just such an #AutisticLoveLanguage, relentlessly insisting at him that these fledgling self-care instincts are *good* actually, and I have the supporting evidence and theory to prove it.

#BoundariesCheerleader