I dreamed about my mother last night and i guess it tapped into the stuff I keep under a heavy iron door in my psyche because I had an epiphany about an hour ago. It ties into my name issue and why I haven't been able to find the right one. (see https://kolektiva.social/@ruemaleficent/110912514205170160)

Girls weren't diagnosed with autism when I was growing up. Hardly anyone was. So I was just the weird kid that nobody liked. Elementary school and junior high were particularly bad times for me. I was mocked, derided, ridiculed, picked on at school and beaten at home by a mother who would snap seemingly out of nowhere and lash out at me when I had no idea what I'd just done to make her so mad. Nowhere was safe, except my paternal grandparents' house, and I only got to see them every other summer due to my mom and step dad moving us all the way across the country when I was 7, and we were there until I was in 8th grade when we moved back. I was a lonely kid who hid in fantasy and the woods and the only friend I had was another outcast kid that my mom disliked so I wasn't allowed to play with her very often though she lived around the corner.

I have never liked my given name and at some point in 7th grade I decided to change it. I told everyone including my teachers that I wanted to be called by my initials: KC. One of the kids that was big on picking on me immediately started singing "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain Casey Jones" at me. And it caught on.

I remember being on a field trip, captive in the bus with the whole class, and someone started singing that. The whole bus joined in, including my history teacher. I don't know if they thought they were joshing me in a friendly way because by then any attention like that seemed like loaded mockery, with me as the butt of the joke. I remember everyone laughing and singing (including the teacher) while I tried to shove myself into non-existence in the corner of the seat, humiliated, looking out the window and trying to will myself away while silent tears streamed down my cheeks. I felt so othered. So disdained. It was a relief when we finally moved back home to California, where I went to school with my cousins and I was no longer the butt of everyone's joke--though it always felt like I was.

And remembering this, I realize why I'm paralyzed at the idea of changing my name and why I have never been able to find one that I think suits me. Because of this hellish bus ride where my chosen nickname was just so hilarious for all and sundry that they had to sing it at my forlorn, weeping, outcast younger self.

The saddest part is that even though I understand this, I still can't bring myself to think about changing my hated given name. Those wounds were deep and left emotional keloid scars that are too powerful to redeem.

#autism #bullying #ChildhoodTrauma

@astro_jcm you can relate to the pain of children in Greece learning to write. #childhoodtrauma

Along with smoking, alcohol abuse, and lack of physical activity, research finds that the following factors also increase the risk of premature death among older adults: 1. recent financial difficulties, unemployment history, 2. childhood trauma, divorce history, and 3. negative outlook, poor self-esteem.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/32571904

#NICHDImpact #Mortality #PrematureDeath #FinancialStress #ChildhoodTrauma #MentalHealth #Self-Esteem

I was so disappointed when Mowgli choose to leave his cool animal friends in the jungle for a... girl? I left the cinema crying. #childhoodtrauma

Gestern Abend hat sie mich tatsächlich mal wieder gebissen, mein Herz ist etwas geschmolzen...

Nein, ich habe keine Katze, nur eine Freundin die von welchen aufgezogen wurde.

Und leider scherze ich da nicht.

#hope #love #TheClosestIGetToDatingACatGirl

aber leider auch #childhoodtrauma #childhoodneglect

I just realized I learned to write poetry at Slam nights as a child. That's probably the only actual cool fact about my childhood.

#childhoodtrauma #healing

@Swede1952 But as a #CODA I was always able to tell which direction my mom was in by following the hearing aid squeel.

Or the sound of her keys in her hands while signing during the #DeafGoodbye

#ActuallyAutistic #ChildhoodTrauma 😂
@jkirkendall

Abused children often exhibit a "freezing" response, where they keep their arms still & avoid eye contact in the presence of an abusive parent or adult. This behavior is a survival mechanism, allowing them to "hide in the open.

#mentalhealthfitness #HiddenInPlainSight #SurvivingSilently #AbuseSurvivors #BreakTheCycle #VoiceForTheSilenced #ChildhoodTrauma #InvisibleScars #EndChildAbuse #EmpowerTheInnocent #SupportingSurvivors #BreakTheSilence #ChildProtection #StandUpForChildren #AbuseAwareness

#newpublication

Childhood trauma as a transdiagnostic risk factor for mental health disorders: A new study reveals insights into the impact of trauma on psychopathology and brain structure. Read more: https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/psychological-medicine/article/abs/nonspecific-nature-of-mental-health-and-structural-brain-outcomes-following-childhood-trauma/1A5A9ECE28AA66E6EB50C048B87FF150

#ChildhoodTrauma #MentalHealth #ResearchStudy

It can develop into fear of expressing and asserting themselves. They won't be able to communicate well, and communication is a very important skill that affects many (if not all) aspects of our lives.

If suppressed, it can build up and explode later on. Imagine all those years of just keeping things to themselves.

Learning: When I have kids, I will give them the voice to explain themselves but in a respectful manner.

2/2

#toxicparenting #toxicculture #childhoodtrauma #communication

Toxic #Filipino parenting culture: not giving your kids the chance to explain themselves whenever they make mistakes or don't agree with you. Instead, you just yell at them and worse, call them names.

If the intention is to make them fear you so that they don't make the same mistake again, maybe it will work. But in the long run, it can lead to #trauma that can haunt them even in adulthood.

1/2

#toxicparenting #toxicculture #childhoodtrauma

For context, I was neglected as a baby and young child and so have struggled with anxious attachment and fear of abandonment issues my whole life. Unbeknownst to myself, I sought to fill that hole by seeking female attention. Obsessively seeking. Like it occupied my brain every second of every day. Everything I did was geared towards that goal. #mentalhealth #anxiety #childhoodtrauma #attachmentstyles #cyclothymia https://mstdn.social/@threeofus/110103455220562168

Emotional maltreatment and neglect impact neural activation upon exclusion in early and mid-adolescence: An event-related fMRI study
https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579421001681

#ChildhoodTrauma #emotionalneglect
#Intimatepartnerviolence
#neuroimaging

一個重要且有用的工具：How CARE Tools Are Being Used to Address Brain Injury and Mental Health Struggles With Survivors of Domestic Violence https://journals.lww.com/headtraumarehab/Abstract/2022/01000/How_CARE_Tools_Are_Being_Used_to_Address_Brain.13.aspx https://www.odvn.org/brain-injury/
#ChildhoodTrauma #emotionalneglect
#Intimatepartnerviolence
#DomesticViolence
#tools

Brain injury in women experiencing intimate partner-violence: neural mechanistic evidence of an “invisible” trauma https://doi-org.ezproxy.u-paris.fr/10.1007/s11682-016-9643-1

#ChildhoodTrauma #emotionalneglect
#Intimatepartnerviolence

Structural Brain Alterations in Female Survivors of Intimate Partner Violence
https://doi.org/10.1177/088626052095962

#ChildhoodTrauma #emotionalneglect
#Intimatepartnerviolence

Quite the day today! Went on an apartment viewing, now soon off to therapy, then hopefully a nice time at the cat cafe. Feeling a bit subtly unsettled and nervous (had a weird nightmare last night..). First time I meet my therapist in person too - feeling a bit nervous about this actually 😬 and what we're going to dig up.
#ActuallyAutistic #ChildhoodTrauma #EMDR

Maybe my parents harassed me in the kitchen so much bc they were jealous that an unsupervised child was a better cook than them lmao

#cooking #parents #shittyparenting #shittyparents #neglect #baking #childhood #childhoodtrauma #jealousy #petty

The #Atheist Guide to #Spiritual Awakening
S01E03 : Healing the Unbroken or #Reprogramming your Mind
https://www.stitcher.com/show/the-atheist-guide-to-spiritual-awakening/episode/s01e03-healing-the-unbroken-or-reprogramming-your-mind-212093494
#Healing from childhood #trauma or more simply to reprogram some automatic #behaviors we have that are not serving us as good as possible. To go deeper into #childhoodtrauma and how to handle it

#TwitterThread #Psychology #ChildhoodTrauma #CPTSD

I know the author of this thread is controversial - but I relate so much to this specific thread and maybe you do too.

https://twitter.com/theholisticpsyc/status/1624809673709981696?s=46&t=omgivRq_YR8W1qHTGenlPQ