#NarcissistDictionary" "You're an emotionless robot!"

Of course, you're not really an emotionless robot. If a #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic partner or ex has ever accused you of being a robot it likely means that:

a) You’ve stopped telling the #NPD, #BPD or #HPD your
thoughts and feelings, because they weaponize them against you.

b) You’ve emotionally
detached and walk away from their #ClusterB threats, tantrums, rages, name-calling and victim playing.

c) You're freezing as a defense mechanism (i.e., fight, flight, freeze or fawn).

Relationships with #narcissists, #histrionics and #borderlines eventually devolve into an endless series of no-win situations, which can instill learned helplessness then despair.

You have emotions, but you've stopped sharing them because it isn't safe. Detachment is healthy in the face of repetitive, relentless pointless conflict. The healthiest choice would be to end the relationship and have friendships with people who don't mistreat and abuse you.

Ideally, detachment and disengagement is a temporary coping strategy while planning your exit. Long-term it's no way to live.

#AbuseHasNoGender

#Narcissists, #borderlines, #histrionics and the rest of the #ClusterB variety pack can be quite the historical revisionists. Yes, they're #PathologicalLiars in matters consequential and inconsequential. When they rewrite history, however, they almost uniformly transform themselves into innocent, rosy-smelling victims and portray their actual victims as villains.

Typically, they do this via a combination of #gaslighting, #projection, #DARVO, blatant lies, half-truths, distortions and reality TV quality acting. Even when the facts eventually come to light, they shamelessly deny, lie, cry, tantrum and obfuscate with #WordSalad.

While I understand this phenomenon in terms of their characterological pathology, I never cease to be amazed by their refusal to take #accountability especially once they’re fully exposed.

You've got video, audio or emails that prove the #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic partner’s or ex's lies and abuses? Spplffft! It doesn’t matter as far as the #NPD, #BPD or #HPD is concerned. They just tell more lies and play victim harder.

What they said or did last week, yesterday or two minutes ago is meaningless. They shake their Magic Victim 8 Ball and poof! It's time for freshly excreted self-serving lies.

They cry, pitch a tantrum, rage, pout and blithely ignore being fact-checked. They brazenly insist on their newest lies, distortions and false narratives and continue to deny, lie, gaslight and contradict themselves and anyone willing to listen to ever growing mountain of manure.

Then, when you point out the most recent pile of steaming, blatant BS, they're the victim and you're the asshole.

Narcissists, histrionics, psychopaths and borderlines don't see their cruelty, self-absorption, pathological lying and entitlement as bad. You deserve it. You make them do it. For that matter, anyone who holds them accountable is a bad, nasty person who's abusing them/victimizing them. It's completely backasswards.

Again, this is pure BS. The bad behavior is bad, not pointing out the bad behavior.

#AbuseHasNoGender

There’s really no difference between the #LoveBombing pedestal (#idealization) and the it’s all your fault POS status (#devaluation). While one feels better than the other, both are equally meaningless. They’re just different versions of the same #manipulation. The carrot and the stick are one and the same to the #codependent #PeoplePleaser.

Meaning, both conditions can’t simultaneously be true. You can’t be the most amazing, special-est man/woman ever and the most horrible person ever. Especially when a #borderline, #narcissist or #histrionic partner vacillates between the two extremes multiple times within the same hour.

But which one is true? Again, neither.

So many clients are easily manipulated by the mercurial opinion of their #BPD, #NPD or #HPD partner. It's the reason they walk on eggshells. #ClusterB #PersonalityDisorder-ed people don’t have a cohesive, stable sense of themselves (i.e., #construct). Hence their rage and perceived #victimhood at the smallest and/or imaginary slight or criticism. As such, their construct of other people – including you -- is similarly unstable.

“You bought me a new car!!! Yay!!! I love you!!! Thank you, daddy!!!! Best daddy ever!!!!!”

“You won’t let me have a third cookie!!!! Mean mommy!!! I hate you!!!!!”

Therefore, any approval from a BPD, HPD or NPD person is meaningless if it can change on a dime. This becomes a manipulation tactic once they figure out the power they can wield by alternating withholding love or blowing smoke up your butt (i.e., variable ratio reinforcement schedule).

It’s all the same to them.

In my experience, these individuals enjoy being cruel more and resent having to love bomb or #Hoover. The overt cruelty is more enjoyable because of the contempt they feel for you for tolerating their abuse. I also suspect it makes them feel more powerful when their victim grovels for love. Contemptuous and powerful.

Furthermore, healthy adults don't change their opinion of you just because they occasionally feel irritated, hurt or disappointed by you. In fact, healthy adults can still love and respect their partner even when they’re super angry with them. And can do so without engaging in wanton cruelty or childish nonsense. Imagine that!

If you're still trying to make it work with a disordered partner because you don't think you can live without their approval, please understand that for which you’re tolerating abuse IS NOT REAL. It’s your codependency and need for external validation from someone who'll never be capable of giving it to you that's real. They'll continue to exploit your vulnerabilities and abuse you for as long as you're willing to suffer it and them.

#AbuseHasNoGender #TheMoreYouKnow

Goedemorgen🙂 Gisteren ontzettende fijne acteerklus gedaan en dat online. #Psychopathologie De-escalatie #ClusterB Vandaag naar Ams
@HermanPKoerts
voor montage van #HetPatriarchaat #Regie. Ik ben dankbaar voor m'n mooie werk! Mooie dag lieve mensen met, als kan, blijdschap 🍀en stay safe.🙏😷

Goedemorgen 🙂 Vandaag meerdere korte voorstellingen spelen op congres #Ouderenpsychiatrie Onderwerpen #Schizofrenie #ClusterB #BorderlinePS #NarcistischePS #Depressie #MooiWerk Heel veel zin in! Mooie dag lieve mensen met, als kan, 🍀🍀 en stay safe. 🙏😷

#NarcissistDictionary: Strategic or Weaponized #Incompetence

Or, what I’ve long referred to as playing dumb and/or deliberately screwing up tasks in order to get out of doing them in the future. Typically utilized by the #DamselinDistress or #DudeInDistress, the #ClusterB variety pack, the #ProfessionalVictim and the #PassivAggressive. (*These groups are not mutually exclusive.)

We’re all human. We all make mistakes. What matters is that we take ownership of our blunders and f—k-ups, apologize, fix it (if possible) and make an honest effort to be more careful in the future. Furthermore, many people have individual particular preferences that, when we share a space with others, we may need to accept won’t always be accommodated.

For example, toilet paper flap goes over not under. Small logs on top and bigger logs on the bottom of the firewood stack. Perfectly folded fitted sheets.

Strategic or weaponized incompetence is repetitive carelessness, damage and destruction of your property and the foisting of one’s share of responsibilities at work or at home. It’s a behavior pattern that repeatedly occurs over time. Generally, it doesn’t get better because it’s not an anomalous unintentional screw-up. It’s an intentional tactic serving to reduce the effort they put into the relationship that requires you to contribute more.

Ever wonder why relationships with these types are so exhausting? I mean, beside the #drama, pointless circular arguments, absence of formal logic and other crazy-making irrationalities and abuse?
Because these individuals dump the as much of their adult responsibility onto their partners, kids, colleagues and other #enablers as they can get away with.

If or when you finally express frustration or the tiniest bit of criticism, the #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic will:

a) #PlayVictim. “Why are you being so mean?!?! It’s not like I do these things on purpose!!”

b) Attack and What About. “Oh, like you’re Mr./Ms. Perfect!? Like you never screw up!?!?! What about the [one time you made an honest mistake, apologized and corrected the mistake that the #NPD, #BPD or #HPD holds over you in perpetuity]?!?!?!?!”

c) Martyr mode. “I can’t do anything right. You must be so sick of me. I’m so stupid. I bet you hate me now. Boo hoo, boo hoo, boo hoo hoo hoo.”

d) Minimize and dismiss. “You’re such a perfectionist! Why do you always have to make a mountain out of a molehill? You’re soooooo sensitive. If you’re so unhappy with how I do things, why don’t you do it yourself?!”

e) Rage.

f) All of the above.

You can begin cooking, cleaning up, etc., only for yourself. However, don’t be surprised if their clutter stacks become high rises and their bathroom sink becomes caked with toothpaste, shaved hairs and other nastiness. This measure isn’t possible if you share kids with them, of course.

Mature adults and good partners don’t dump their share of household responsibility onto the other partner. If your girlfriend, wife, boyfriend or husband engages in strategic incompetence, I wager it isn’t their only selfish, immature, exploitative and shitty behavior. Do you really want to live with this?

#AbuseHasNoGender

[*The earliest use I can find for the term Strategic incompetence is by Robert Sutton, PhD author of "The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't, which is a really good book!]

Goedemorgen 🙂 Vandaag spelen in training #Persoonlijkheidsproblematiek #ClusterB #Borderline #Narcisme #Trainingsacteren Mooie dag lieve mensen met, als kan, 🍀🍀 en stay safe. 🙏🏻 😷

Inside the #Brain of a #Psychopath
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHk7S6prF6M
#psychology #antisocial #clusterB #sociopathy #neuroscience #serotonin #rationality #reason

Goedemorgen 🙂 Onderweg om training te geven en interactief theater te spelen. #Persoonlijkheidsproblemathiek #ClusterB Weer zin in! Mooie dag lieve mensen met, als kan, 🍀🍀 en stay safe. 🙏🏻😷

#BIFF communication is an important part of #ParallelParenting with a #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic ex. In case you haven’t noticed, the #BPD, #NPD, #HPD parent frequently uses tests, emails, #OurFamilyWizard and/or #TalkingParents messages to #lie, #gaslight, #project, #BlameShift, make #FalseAllegations of #abuse and build a performative #VictimNarrative for the #FamilyCourt judge, #GAL, #CustodyEvaluators, #Coparenting therapists, #ParentalCoordinators, etc.

It can be difficult not to fall into a lengthy #JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) reply. Even though the judge and other court remora are supposed to review all documentation, many of them don’t. Especially when you and the ex have generated multiple file boxes of endless messages documenting your respective dysfunction. (JADE-ing is dysfunctional).

Not responding to lies, false allegations, bullshit victim narratives, #DARVO and the recounting of incidents or things the kids allegedly tell the #ClusterB parent that the BPD/NPD/HPD distorts/takes out of context can be extremely anxiety provoking for clients. And understandably so.

For example, oftentimes, before a client can get a temporary custody order from the court, #Crazy will either refuse to let clients have time with the kids or refuse to agree to a regular custody schedule. Instead, Crazy changes exchange days and times at will, making it near impossible for the other parent to plan and for everyone (except Crazy) to know where the kids will be day-to-day (including the kids). Whatever Crazy’s intention, the result is chaos, uncertainty, unpredictably and drama, which is Crazy’s jam.

Recently, a client’s ex told the children’s therapist that son is always asking her “How many days until I have to go back to dad’s?” claiming he has a lot of anxiety about having to leave her to go to dad’s. In reality, the kids were also asking dad about the custody schedule because there wasn’t a temporary custody schedule for 9 months (because Crazy refused and it took that long to get in front of a judge). Kids and dad didn’t know what the schedule would be because Crazy would demand exchanges a day early than originally agreed, extend the stays with her indefinitely, refuse to let dad take the kids to activities if she couldn’t tag along (including Father’s Day). Like I said, CRAZY.

Let’s break down what happened here.

1) Crazy creates the problem (refusing to agree to a regular custody schedule) and no one knows where the kids will be week to week.

2) Kids are confused/anxious and ask both parents questions.

3) Dad is walking a fine line of reassuring the kids and not “trashing” mom by telling the kids the truth that Crazy #ControlFreak mom won’t agree to the schedule. Instead, he tries to reassure them that he and mom are working on it.

4) Crazy then takes the kids confusion and anxiety THAT SHE CREATED by refusing to be reasonable and put the kids’ best interests ahead of her pathological need to control and says, “Aha! The kids have high anxiety about going to dad’s”

And that’s how the crazy sausage is made.

Therefore, it IS important to respond to the lies, distortions and half-truths that Crazy spews like a 24/7 bullshit factory. However, you do that directly to the judge, evaluator, GAL, etc. Or rather, your attorney lays it out for the court remora if they won’t listen to you, the penis parent.

Dispelling Crazy’s lies point by point and writing will only net you more lies and performative victim playing in writing. And then the court apparatchik have even more word diarrhea to not read/get it backwards that you and Crazy are both the problem.

A BIFF reply to Crazy to this type of nonsense is, “I remember the conversation/meeting/incident differently.” Or, I rather like Queen Elizabeths response to the Markle’s lies, “Recollections may vary.” Arguing facts and objective reality with Crazy is like mud wrestling with a pig. They enjoy it and you end up covered in slime.

#AbuseHasNoGender

#ParallelParenting is the only viable way to go if you share #custody with a #narcissist, #histrionic or #borderline ex.

Until the kids age out, you can’t go full #NoContact. Parallel parenting is basically a #LowContact model of #coparenting for #HighConflict people who are psychologically incapable of co-parenting. The premise being that it’s not divorce that is damaging to children, but rather parents who continue to engage in conflict after the #divorce. You hash out as many kid decisions in the custody agreement so there’s theoretically less to argue about later. Although, Crazy will often want to argue about things they’ve already agreed to.

#BIFF communication is an important skillset and vital to successful parallel parenting. BIFF stands for brief, informative, firm and friendly. However, I think that friendly often signals “bulldoze my #boundaries,” and recommend a civil business tone.

The #BPD, #NPD, #HPD ex will continue to be provocative and try to engage you via inflammatory emails/texts using a combination of character assassination, #gaslighting, #projection, #FalseAllegations and #DARVO. In other words, the same old same old.

If you’re doing BIFF well, you don’t bite on any of the emotional baiting. You learn to ignore the bullshit and only reply to legitimate kid issues. This can be incredibly difficult. Especially if you’re prone to #JADE-ing (justify, argue, defend, explain) and have other #codependent #PeoplePleaser traits.

This is why having a menu of canned responses can be helpful. For example, if your #CrazyEx is a “I WANT AN ANSWER NOW!!! IF YOU DON’T REPLY IMMEDIATELY, I’LL TAKE YOU BACK TO COURT AND TELL THE JUDGE YOU REFUSE TO COPARENT! IF I DON’T HEAR BACK FROM YOU IN 30 SECONDS, I’M GOING TO TAKE THAT AS A YES AND DO WHAT I WANT TO DO ANYWAY!!! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! I’M NOT YOUR VICTIM ANYMORE!!!”

Ordinarily, I recommend ignoring this kind of message for kid non-emergencies (e.g., BBB - blood, broken bones, brain damage). Are you concerned the ex will, for example, book a non-refundable vacation during your custody time, get the kids excited and thereby set you up to be the bad guy when you say no (as you should when a BPD/NPD/HPD pulls that kind of power stunt)? Then you can reply, “I’ll think about it and get back to you in a few days.” And then ignore the ensuing #AdultTemperTantrum.

I recommend doing this even if you already know your answer is No. Why? To train the ex not to expect instant replies. Depending on the severity of the ex’s #ClusterB pathology, that may never happen. Nevertheless, it’s important to have boundaries even if they don’t respect them. One, because it’s healthy for you. Two, if you have a semi-rational/semi-unbiased judge and/or kid therapist, they’ll be better able to see who the problem parent is.

#AbuseHasNoGender

#EthicalNonMonogamy (#ENM): #Cheating, but with better branding (i.e., what #JadaSmith and her equally crazy "intimacy coach" Michaela Boehm advocate).

Being open to ethical non-monogamy (cheating with permission) doesn't make you more enlightened, liberated or any other of the #shaming words its fans claim. Shaming a partner into agreeing to an open relationship, ENM -- or whatever you want to call it -- is wrong. And, in some cases, downright abusive.

In my experience with clients who've had this pushed on them by a #narcissist, #borderline, #histrionic or #ClusterB variety pack partner/ex:

1) Were told there was something wrong with them if they didn’t agree to it.

2) Had to follow a completely different set of rules regarding third parties, because “it’s different for women.”

3) Were accused of being abusive and controlling if they didn’t want to agree to it.

4) After agreeing to it and then it (predictably) blew up, were #gaslighted and #FalselyAccused in family court of forcing the #BPD, #NPD, #HPD ex to have multiple sex partners.

In other words, if ethical non-monogamy/an open relationship isn’t what you want, don’t let anyone make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. If that’s what your spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend believes they need to evolve, grow, feel empowered, etc., perhaps it’s time for them to evolve themselves right out of the relationship.

#AbuseHasNoGender

There is no change without #accountability, #consequences, compassion and an understanding of how one's behavior and choices have impacted oneself and others. It is difficult enough for #codependents and non-disordered individuals to do this. And likely impossible for the people with a #ClusterB #PersonalityDisorder.

Change requires heightened personal awareness and the psychological maturity to no longer make childish excuses and blame others for the choices one makes as an adult. #DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) is a cognitive behavioral management technique for emotional dysregulation. It isn't magic and it doesn't fundamentally change one's character.

It requires grieving one's childhood, leaving it in the past and doing the work to become a fully as possible responsible adult. A true measure of change, and in my opinion, the only measure of real change involves:

- The #NPD, #BPD, #HPD individual stops making excuses for their destructive behavior.

- The #narcissist, #borderline, #histrionic 100% owns their behavior and choices without blaming others (especially their victims).

- Stop the victim playing and attacking and blaming anyone who holds them accountable..

- Accept the natural consequences for their choices without doing any of the above.

Same goes for codependents regarding their #codependency. #AbuseHasNoGender

To wish the #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic ex a happy birthday, or not to wish the #NPD, #BPD or #HPD ex a happy birthday? That is the no-win situation question.

1) If you don’t share minor children, heck no. Why aren’t you #NoContact? Be honest with yourself. Are you really “being nice” (vomit emoji), or hoping for some recognition that you’re really a good guy/gal?

2) If you share custody, I recommend helping younger kids (12 and under) make cards and gifts or purchase a nominal gift ($10-$20 USD). Most kids 12 and under are unemployed. Something extravagant feeds the #entitlement monster. It's also #PeoplePleaser #doormat behavior.

3) Once the kids are teens, acknowledging mom’s birthday, making a gift or buying a gift (if they don’t have an allowance or a job) is on them. If your ex’s #LoveLanguage is “Buy me lots of expensive crap,” you’ll likely get some #NarcissisticInjury fueled blowback.

4) Don’t expect a #ClusterB #PersonalityDisorder ex to encourage the kids to acknowledge your birthday whether you choose to help the kids celebrate her birthday or not.

Final thought: THINK MACARONI NECKLACE.

In the age of social media, all the narcissists and histrionics crawled out of their lairs to get attention/profit by posting fake vaccination side-effect videos. This article pretty much sums up the life-costing idiocy.

https://jezebel.com/post-vaccine-tremor-fakers-are-being-publicly-delightf-1850018806

#health #socialmedia #clusterb #attentionseekers

After the #LoveBombing stage, many clients settle for crumbs of affection in their relationship with a #NPD, #BPD, #HPD partner because that’s what they subsisted on in their #FamilyOfOrigin as kids. The unloved child within
holds onto the crap relationship out of fear of “losing love.” Or rather, what little love they can #PeoplePlease from a self-absorbed, selfish unfit parent and, as an adult, partner.

You’re not losing love, though. That's the lie of #abuse. In reality,
you’re ending a relationship with someone who’s incapable of love.

If you don't know how to love yourself, begin by respecting yourself. Respect your grown self and hurting younger versions of yourself enough to walk away from people who don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. A #narcissist, #borderline, #histrionic partner is no more capable of love than a similarly #ClusterB #PersonalityDisorder parent.

#AbuseHasNoGender #TheMoreYouKnow

For anyone who’s ever been #abused by a #narcissist, #borderline, #histrionic, #psychopath or #ClusterB variety pack. Anyone who’s been the target of #gaslighting, #projection, #DARVO, #PathologicalLying, #EmotionalReasoning, #CircularLogic and other #mindfuckery and thought, Why? What? Huh? Does s/he know they’re lying?” Read this quote from #SpareMe by #PrinceHarry.

Furthermore, any #therapist, #psychologist or other mental health worker who peddles this kind of twaddle is not helping you. Best case, they’re just regurgitating something they were taught in grad school and it hasn’t occurred to them to question it. Worst case, they have their own #PersonalityDisorder traits of their own.

#NPD #BPD #HPD #AbuseHasNoGender #FactsMatter #ObjectiveRealityMatters #Markled

#NarcissistDictionary: “Your family needs to #apologize to me.”

#Apology demands are for imaginary slights, innocent misunderstandings and/or in-law boundary adjustments that wouldn’t be a big deal for reasonable normies. This is a power grab and domination move. It can also be a #DARVO and projection tactic. Meaning, the #MeghanMarkleisToxic demands an apology when held #accountable or is #exposed for their bad behavior. The perpetrator expects an apology from the victim.

As such, an apology doesn’t resolve the “issue” because the real issue is the character pathology of a #ClusterB #PersonalityDisorder. In other words, it won’t stop or get better.

Basically, “Your family needs to apologize to me” translates to “Bend the knee; kiss the ring.” And if you oblige their initial outrageous #ego, #ControlFreak, #narcissist, #borderline, #histrionic #VerucaSalt demands, it opens the floodgates for more of the same and far worse.

I’ve worked with families desperate to reconcile with their sons, grandsons, brothers and uncles who’ve married a #MeghanMarkle type. It’s heartbreaking. In many ways it’s similar to losing a family member to a #cult. If you try to defend yourself or point how destructive the relationship is, it “proves” the #NPD, #BPD, #HPD #FalseNarrative grievances. Apologizing to “keep the peace” also fuels the false narrative grievances.

There’s not much these families can do until or unless the “#PrinceHarry” recognizes how they’re being abused, manipulated, exploited, isolated and estranged. Sadly, this usually doesn’t occur until they’ve been #devalued, #discarded and become the victim of a #FalseAccusation of #DomesticViolence and #ParentalAlienation.

However, in #PrinceSpareMe’s case, I suspect he has some Cluster B pathology of his own. In fact, I’m beginning to think it’s a NPD-BPD coupling. In which case, when they finally turn on each other it’s going to get UGLY, or rather, UGLIER.

#AbuseHasNoGender

#Antisocial (i.e., socially and behaviorally aberrant) pathology is present in all the #ClusterB disorders (#narcissist, #borderline, #histrionic, #psychopath/ #sociopath). For example, lack of #empathy, #integrity, #accountability/ #responsibility, psychological and emotional maturity and a #conscience. These antisocial traits may manifest and present differently in the disorders. Nevertheless, the trait are fundamentally antisocial.

So, when you’re desperately searching for articles, videos, books and therapy on how to manage, fix, understand and help a #BPD, #NPD, #HPD or ClusterB variety pack partner, you’re looking for information on how to get a psycho to love you and treat you better. Does this sound rational? Realistic? Healthy?

Furthermore, this is why enabler/apologist therapist and YouTube “experts” without degrees or experience working in mental health recommend practicing #RadicalAcceptance. They may never explicitly say so, but radical acceptance really means these people aren’t going to significantly change and they won’t stop abusing you.

#AbuseHasNoGender

It's kind of how "polar thinking" is a misnomer for the experience in a split, or at least in my splits.

Just because you can logically understand there is nuance to something

doesn't mean your feelings about the thing aren't polarized because you're split after being triggered.

I'm very dissociative, so this was hard to figure out for me until I learned to identify splits.

There MUST be a better word for that experience than "polar thinking"

#BPD #MentalHealth #ClusterB #SCWOTZ #SCWNT (🧵5)