High-Conflict Coparenting With A Narcissist

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Navigating high conflict coparenting can be challenging for many parents. It's important to focus on the needs of the children, set boundaries, and communicate clearly. Professional support, such as therapy, can also help! #Coparenting #HighConflictCoBranding #NASAAssist #Narcus #SetBoundaries #CommunicateClearly #FocusOnChildren #PrioritizeWellBeing #SeekProfessionalSupport #Therapy #NavigateHighConflictCoparenting

#BIFF communication is an important part of #ParallelParenting with a #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic ex. In case you haven’t noticed, the #BPD, #NPD, #HPD parent frequently uses tests, emails, #OurFamilyWizard and/or #TalkingParents messages to #lie, #gaslight, #project, #BlameShift, make #FalseAllegations of #abuse and build a performative #VictimNarrative for the #FamilyCourt judge, #GAL, #CustodyEvaluators, #Coparenting therapists, #ParentalCoordinators, etc.

It can be difficult not to fall into a lengthy #JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) reply. Even though the judge and other court remora are supposed to review all documentation, many of them don’t. Especially when you and the ex have generated multiple file boxes of endless messages documenting your respective dysfunction. (JADE-ing is dysfunctional).

Not responding to lies, false allegations, bullshit victim narratives, #DARVO and the recounting of incidents or things the kids allegedly tell the #ClusterB parent that the BPD/NPD/HPD distorts/takes out of context can be extremely anxiety provoking for clients. And understandably so.

For example, oftentimes, before a client can get a temporary custody order from the court, #Crazy will either refuse to let clients have time with the kids or refuse to agree to a regular custody schedule. Instead, Crazy changes exchange days and times at will, making it near impossible for the other parent to plan and for everyone (except Crazy) to know where the kids will be day-to-day (including the kids). Whatever Crazy’s intention, the result is chaos, uncertainty, unpredictably and drama, which is Crazy’s jam.

Recently, a client’s ex told the children’s therapist that son is always asking her “How many days until I have to go back to dad’s?” claiming he has a lot of anxiety about having to leave her to go to dad’s. In reality, the kids were also asking dad about the custody schedule because there wasn’t a temporary custody schedule for 9 months (because Crazy refused and it took that long to get in front of a judge). Kids and dad didn’t know what the schedule would be because Crazy would demand exchanges a day early than originally agreed, extend the stays with her indefinitely, refuse to let dad take the kids to activities if she couldn’t tag along (including Father’s Day). Like I said, CRAZY.

Let’s break down what happened here.

1) Crazy creates the problem (refusing to agree to a regular custody schedule) and no one knows where the kids will be week to week.

2) Kids are confused/anxious and ask both parents questions.

3) Dad is walking a fine line of reassuring the kids and not “trashing” mom by telling the kids the truth that Crazy #ControlFreak mom won’t agree to the schedule. Instead, he tries to reassure them that he and mom are working on it.

4) Crazy then takes the kids confusion and anxiety THAT SHE CREATED by refusing to be reasonable and put the kids’ best interests ahead of her pathological need to control and says, “Aha! The kids have high anxiety about going to dad’s”

And that’s how the crazy sausage is made.

Therefore, it IS important to respond to the lies, distortions and half-truths that Crazy spews like a 24/7 bullshit factory. However, you do that directly to the judge, evaluator, GAL, etc. Or rather, your attorney lays it out for the court remora if they won’t listen to you, the penis parent.

Dispelling Crazy’s lies point by point and writing will only net you more lies and performative victim playing in writing. And then the court apparatchik have even more word diarrhea to not read/get it backwards that you and Crazy are both the problem.

A BIFF reply to Crazy to this type of nonsense is, “I remember the conversation/meeting/incident differently.” Or, I rather like Queen Elizabeths response to the Markle’s lies, “Recollections may vary.” Arguing facts and objective reality with Crazy is like mud wrestling with a pig. They enjoy it and you end up covered in slime.

#AbuseHasNoGender

#ParallelParenting is the only viable way to go if you share #custody with a #narcissist, #histrionic or #borderline ex.

Until the kids age out, you can’t go full #NoContact. Parallel parenting is basically a #LowContact model of #coparenting for #HighConflict people who are psychologically incapable of co-parenting. The premise being that it’s not divorce that is damaging to children, but rather parents who continue to engage in conflict after the #divorce. You hash out as many kid decisions in the custody agreement so there’s theoretically less to argue about later. Although, Crazy will often want to argue about things they’ve already agreed to.

#BIFF communication is an important skillset and vital to successful parallel parenting. BIFF stands for brief, informative, firm and friendly. However, I think that friendly often signals “bulldoze my #boundaries,” and recommend a civil business tone.

The #BPD, #NPD, #HPD ex will continue to be provocative and try to engage you via inflammatory emails/texts using a combination of character assassination, #gaslighting, #projection, #FalseAllegations and #DARVO. In other words, the same old same old.

If you’re doing BIFF well, you don’t bite on any of the emotional baiting. You learn to ignore the bullshit and only reply to legitimate kid issues. This can be incredibly difficult. Especially if you’re prone to #JADE-ing (justify, argue, defend, explain) and have other #codependent #PeoplePleaser traits.

This is why having a menu of canned responses can be helpful. For example, if your #CrazyEx is a “I WANT AN ANSWER NOW!!! IF YOU DON’T REPLY IMMEDIATELY, I’LL TAKE YOU BACK TO COURT AND TELL THE JUDGE YOU REFUSE TO COPARENT! IF I DON’T HEAR BACK FROM YOU IN 30 SECONDS, I’M GOING TO TAKE THAT AS A YES AND DO WHAT I WANT TO DO ANYWAY!!! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! I’M NOT YOUR VICTIM ANYMORE!!!”

Ordinarily, I recommend ignoring this kind of message for kid non-emergencies (e.g., BBB - blood, broken bones, brain damage). Are you concerned the ex will, for example, book a non-refundable vacation during your custody time, get the kids excited and thereby set you up to be the bad guy when you say no (as you should when a BPD/NPD/HPD pulls that kind of power stunt)? Then you can reply, “I’ll think about it and get back to you in a few days.” And then ignore the ensuing #AdultTemperTantrum.

I recommend doing this even if you already know your answer is No. Why? To train the ex not to expect instant replies. Depending on the severity of the ex’s #ClusterB pathology, that may never happen. Nevertheless, it’s important to have boundaries even if they don’t respect them. One, because it’s healthy for you. Two, if you have a semi-rational/semi-unbiased judge and/or kid therapist, they’ll be better able to see who the problem parent is.

#AbuseHasNoGender

Starting over after a marriage ends and you're devastated:

https://www.facebook.com/reel/854738465821236?mibextid=9drbnH&s=yWDuG2&fs=e

#divorce #love #familylaw #divorcesupport #marriage #divorced #relationships #coparenting #separation #divorcerecovery #breakup #divorcecoach #divorceadvice #narcissist #divorcedmom #narcissisticabuse #divorcelawyer #lawyer #emotionalabuse #mediation #domesticviolence #divorcehelp #selflove #lifeafterdivorce #family #divorcequotes #divorcedlife #healing #toxicrelationships #childsupport

Seriously, we have four full time working parents raising two small kids and its still a lot. I have no idea how you monogamous people do it. Find that dude! (or lady, or enby)

https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/ideal-2

#parenting #polyamory #CoParenting #SMBC #chores

I recently gave one of my old #AntiFlag CDs to the 7-year-old. So good to hear the music again and dance to it. The kid likes punk as a way to cope with anger. And I enjoy answering questions about the texts. 😁

#anarchist #CoParenting #AnarchistParenting

@Rookie what do you want to know?

For #anarchist #parenting setup, I like #CoParenting (make sure you can solve conflicts with the people you pick and write down some clear agreements before you start) and living with 10+ people of various ages.

From a theory point of view, I started with "Antipädagogik" (Braunmühl) but quickly realized that I needed more as I want not only my boundaries respected but also to make sure that the children don't cross each other's boundaries and understand why that's important.

I treat the children I'm responsible for like close friends with whom I have no sexual connection, e.g. treat them with respect, involve them in decision-making, give them what they need, and also provide honest feedback, all while adapting to their current capabilities and boundaries.

Real talk, and not funny or witty: #coparenting with an addict is a living hell.

Two things that are always worth their money are my attorney and my therapist.

A friend overheard me talking to my #ex the other day and asked why I ended the call with, “Bye, I love you.”

She’s the mother/#coparent of two of my children, one my best friends/biggest allies, and an enthusiastic cheerleader for my happiness.

Why would I NOT say that to her?

#coparenting #parenting

The best part of co-parenting with a narcissist is never having to guess what you’re doing wrong. Everything. The answer is everything.

#NarcissisticAbuse #narcissism #coparenting #trauma #cptsd

I was very excited to host my kid for a Black Friday turkey dinner. I know folks make the most amazing foods out there, but as a cooking-deficient individual, I was super excited to pull off this meager meal for us. My ex joined us for dinner, and then Homer and I spent the rest of the night playing Splatoon 3 and Pokémon.

#thanksgiving #blackfriday #dinner #homer #sleepover #coparenting #splatoon #pokemon

3 Good Things, Thanksgiving Edition

1. Shared land, honored spirit; we are in a turmoil of land and habitation and stewardship that is centuries and millennia old, and I believe that's what we are here to reimagine.
2. My son was born during Thanksgiving dinner, and sometimes his birthday and the holiday coincide; this is one of those years. He's a wonderful and appreciative soul. Both kids are (his brother was born on Indian Independence Day, aligning with my side of the family).
3. My children are descended from Mayflower people on their dad's side and that has been both a conflict and a blessing - today, I recognize the blessing in the invitation to be part of a larger conversation about who we are.

#3GoodThings #ThreeGoodThings @3goodthings

#appreciation #birthday #colonialism #coparenting #indigenous #mayflower #MixedRace #MitakuyeOyasin #reimagine #spirit #stewardship #thanksgiving

@maiakbc
Totally not my business, but as a Dad who's #coparenting too, I'm curious. The baking aisle doesn't set me off, but I've had some grumbly moments in our laundry room.

De kinderen weer kwijt voor een week ☹️ . In mijn geval...#coparenting, geen fan van.

Update, youngest has been called upon to act in an understudy role tonight in the last night of the school play performance, as well as his other smaller roles. We have some serious energy and excitement going on in our household right now!

#CoParenting
#Divorce
#SchoolPlay
#Understudy

It was awesome... the kid in the play... the family support of all the kids in the auditorium as a whole... and the coparenting. Divorce is not all bad; it allows us to see ourselves and the other person as better than we were before. And to feel good about where we land as a new family configuration. Moving forward.

#coparenting
#divorce
#family
#motherhood
#parenting
#play
#school

Off to see youngest in school play... opportunity for some #coparenting... and fun!

Hi kolektiva.social instance, this is my #introduction after migrating over from another instance. Thanks for having me.

I'm a #programmer and #anarchist also interested in #utopias and how to get there, #anticapitalist #economies #psychology #mentalhealth #coparenting #conflictresolution #polyamory ... I'm queer and slightly neurodivergent. she/her pronouns.

I write in English and German.

#nonazis #noracists #noswerfs #noterfs

More personal interests: I’m always up for chatting about #coparenting. I’m an #intersectional #feminist and #transally. I follow many forms of #activism and #campaigning and learn a lot from others outside my immediate field. Perpetual outsider and love to connect with others who #travel frequently. Unfortunately follow #UKpolitics too closely. Also into #books #writing #podcasts #film #music #art #languages. Would love to widen my network in #Paris, where I’m still acclimating to working.