As a child learning to pretend to sleep was an invaluable skill. I also learned to detest the smell of stale beer. How many Saturday and Sunday mornings did I wake up, alone, and have to smell the empties piled on the kitchen table, and what kind of person was going to come out of my Mother and Step Father's door? How quiet I needed to be, so quiet, if I woke them before they were ready I would get yelled at. The absolute randomness of their behavior destroyed me. I will heal with the help of good people that are patient enough to understand the hell of growing up in an emotionally and physically abusive home. #cptsdrecovery #cpstd

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Accusation_in_a_mirror

This is the cheat code for what the Authoritarian Right and Left does to get a population on their side. It works even better when a population has been abused into adopting this mode of thinking, as I was by my racist, narcissistic mother who blamed every bad thing that happened to her on me, another family member, the government, who got it from her abusive racist, etc mother and father.

The antidote is to learn to love yourself and that your self hatred is a generational virus that we can cure through love and acceptance that we are not always our most perfect selves and that is good enough for me right now. If enough of us can manage it despite all the insanity surrounding us we give the violence nowhere to go but gone.

#cptsd #cptsdrecovery

Until I learn to stop hating and fearing myself I won't truly know how to stop hurting those around me. But I am trying really really hard to like myself and trust myself. #cptsd #cptsdrecovery

RT @cptsdfoundation
THE BRAIN CHANGES OBSERVED IN CPTSD survivors
Changes to the brain caused by trauma including damages to the amygdalae and hippocampi of traumatized individuals may impact many higher functions including impulse control. - https://buff.ly/3KMBJbH

#CPTSDRecovery
#Healing

There will be some touch-up work to do tomorrow for sure. These square decals don't exactly work well with curved surfaces.

So I'm going to use some micro-sol and micro-set to try and get the painted-on look.

How do you pronounce "decal"? The people I listened to were Canadian and it sounded something like "deck-ehl".

#ModelingMonday #TraumaTherapy #enterprise #CPTSDRecovery #tos #StarTrek​

Added 12 this evening. Here is a comparison between my current status and an in-game screen shot of a generic Constitution-class capital ship from the stellar (parallax) mod Ages of the Federation.

#ModelingMonday #TraumaTherapy #enterprise #CPTSDRecovery #tos #StarTrek

Considering putting together a wishlist, but man. Cptsd is throwing me for a loop. Constantly being told I'm not allowed to want anything and that I'm selfish for asking others for help. And then there is self doubt that comes in screaming no one cares enough to get a stranger things. Depression then chimes in and says it's not worth all of this anxiety.

Sometimes you are your worst enemy.
#autism #Mentalillness #adhd #depression #anxiety #CPTSDRecovery