I'm a survivor of adult-on-abult abuse. When I spoke up about my abuser and tried to find a safe way to leave my situation, I was not believed. My abuser had manipulated the situation, rallied people around them, used DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse-Victim-Offender) techniques, and isolated me from support and resources. I barely survived that. My abuser's part of the LGBTQIA community, which added an extra layer of difficulty when I sought support. Folks in our community sometimes seek to protect the community to the point that they throw out us survivors because we created conflict, and in doing so, they inadvertently end up supporting the abuser. This continues the cycle of violence.

I get that it is hard when abuse allegations come up in marginalized communities as we don't want our oppressors to use this against us. Yet, silencing us and then not tackling the problems of abuse within our communities causes harm too. It uses the tools of our oppressors to harm one another.

We need to be able to address abuse in our communities when it happens.

If we are to adopt a more loving, just, and equitable accountability system, then we need to center victims/survivors and our stories. We need to look into #CreativeInterventions for healing and repair. We need to stop using the tools of our oppressors. Transformative justice has some great strategies for this that I wish folks would adopt.

It is terrifying and hard to speak up about abuse suffered. Doing so often leaves us vulnerable to bad faith arguments and attacks that could end with us doxed or worse. So speaking up is very hard, especially if the abuser is in positions of power. We need folks to support us in this. Abusers isolate us; when we share our stories, we are trying to break that isolation. We are also trying to help others know who harmed us, in hopes that others can help us hold that person accountable to avoid others being harmed by them too.

Many times people demand us survivors of abuse provide amble evidence of our abuse. But they don't seem to realize that many times we CAN'T. Sometimes we're lucky to get out with our lives. Not all of us are tech saavy enough to do screenshots or file away emails or other evidence in an encrypted spot that our abusers won't find. Getting evidence while trying to survive a very hostile, painful, and terrifying situation is very, very difficult. This is an unrealistic and very harmful burden to place on us.

Us calling out this harm is not an attack on our community at-large -- it's us trying to keep our community safe.

We must hold one another accountable in a just way. I don't want the cycle of violence to continue in how we handle these situations. (It's why I really like the book: https://www.akpress.org/creative-interventions-toolkit.html Creative Interventions toolkit).

"The Creative Interventions Toolkit is a practical guide to community-based interventions against interpersonal violence, a process also known as community accountability or transformative justice. Originally an online resource, it is written for everyday people—survivors, people who caused harm, and friends/family who want to help without turning to the police or government. This toolkit provides basic information about interpersonal violence; advice for survivors of violence and people who have caused harm; guides for people who want to help; a framework to confront and transform violence; and stories from people who have used community-based interventions."

I recommend looking through this book for better ways to handle this that centers survivors but also builds a route for the person who caused harm to do repair and work toward re-entering the community after they engage in accountability and repair.

But I also recognize that the abuser must be willing to change and do repair in order to re-enter the community -- if the abuser is not willing to do that in good faith, then that person isn't safe for the community. Removing them from that community is valid and sometimes the only route forward.

This isn't an easy topic. I don't have any answers, but I do really want folks to think about how they react to abuse allegations.

I want everyone who reads this to think long and hard on this questions:

What is your first reaction when you hear the story of an abuse survivor? Be honest, ok? Think about how you reacted to us sharing our stories of abuse in the past -- were you supportive then? Or did you engage in both-side-ism or in asking for proof?

What is your reaction if you know the person being accused? Are you more and less willing to believe the survivor? Why?

Society socializes us to not believe survivors. We need to unlearn that programming to build a just, equitable, more safe, and loving world. That means confronting the way we react to these stories and topics; the way we discuss them; and the way we hold one another accountable.

When someone comes forward to share their story of abuse that they suffered or their loved one suffered, please stand by that person. Please stop treating us like we are on trial - that's using the tools of our oppressors to perpetuate further harm.

Believe us.

#BelieveSurvivors, please.

Thanks for reading.

Take care of yourselves and be kind to one another.