I never talk about my good days because I don’t want to jinx it. #Recovery2023 #DarkSojourn

I’m relating hardcore to Ayla’s repeated breaking of gender norms. The clan’s discussion of gender and wondering at the spiritual cause of her gender transgression is really interesting from my #genderfluid perspective. She’s female, yes, but she’s good at straddling the line of what behaviors are considered feminine or masculine. Then when she’s declared dead and exiled for a time, her dual gender alignment (for lack of a better term) gives her the skills and instincts she needs to survive by herself. It reminds me of my own time in seclusion, in my cave during my #DarkSojourn. #AmReading

2/2

I think I can pull myself together today and get back to work. I've been meaning to reinstitute my daily candle ritual, which is simple really, just light a candle when I start work. (And the accompanying wax-recycling operation, but that can wait.) Less pain now and just inertia. I think my brain is working again. #DarkSojourn #Redux #Recovery2023

I think this process itself is triggering. That sense of just wanting to cry and stop existing but I've got to pull my thoughts together and be productive. The last time I was having to do that regularly was with my abuser after long verbal abuse and gaslighting sessions that ended in meltdowns. Seems like the longer you live on hard mode the harder it gets. #DarkSojourn #NotRecovery2023 #Recovery2023

Yesterday seemed fairly hopeless on a personal level, but I’m doing much better today. I was a guest at The Good Book Club for Post Mormons today because they read Recovering Agency so that was a boost. Then I did some spiritual practice. There’s a plan in place to solve some problems that might not work but it’s a plan. #DarkSojourn #Recovery2023

I’m feeling good today about getting back into reading. Last year I got into the habit to read two pages of a novel every morning. Very different from my pre-abuse routine of reading at night, on weekends, and whenever I had time to kill. That’s been going well. This last week I’ve gone beyond that, reading 3 different times on a whim, several pages, without instant fatigue and loss of comprehension.

This year I’ve also tried adding nonfiction when I feel like it in the evenings. The extreme overwhelm of life has gotten in the way but I’ve still managed it a few nights.

It’s key to find good novels that hold my interest and are clearly written. And nonfic can’t be too technical. Part of my problem has been finding those, but I think I have a system now and am actually excited to finish this novel to start the next.

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2023

I’ve been on a near nonstop march since November when my dad started getting sick. I was just coming out of my #DarkSojourn (still am). Emergency after emergency. I am still extremely limited in my physical, emotional, and mental energies and abilities, yet I’ve been asked to step up again and again. Today is my weekly rest day, which I must enforce to prevent total dysfunction. I’m spending all my rest days exhausted and in pain. Thankfully, I’ve been relatively emotionally in the clear (no major depression or debilitating anxiety within limits), but today I’m starting to get discouraged like why am I even doing this? The answer is because I have to (I’ve ruthlessly put all low-to-mid priority stuff on hold). That’s not a great answer because there’s no end in sight. Yesterday an effort I made was supposed to solve things and it didn’t, just made things worse. The last thing I want to be doing on my rest day is cry, bc I do enough of that on the other days, but here I am.

Basically, every single day I hit some new kind of wall. I'm always against a wall. I'm always striving to push through. (Unless it's gumption I'm out of... then I'm sunk.) #DarkSojourn #recovery2023

Now that I'm running full steam in the more active part of my recovery, I'm finding that there are so many kinds of different walls I can hit. I've got all kinds of limits, but all my limitations are limited by the most restrictive limitation. We talk about "spoons" but I've got many types of energy I can run out of: physical, executive function (exefunk), will power / gumption, social, memory recall, pain, and so on. I'm on low reserves for all of them, but whichever one I'm lowest in will be the one I'm feeling any given day.

It's a sign of progress that I'm bumping into different ones, I think. Like, I finally boost my reserve levels in one area, then hit empty in another.

Today it seems to be "spline switching" (i.e. switching between highly detailed sets of information) and "exefunk." I've been able to push through it but simply put, my head is too full of too many complex problems. To the point where my pain feels at much lower volume. #DarkSojourn #Recovery2023

I was having brain fog today because according to my Garmin I was just as stressed while asleep last night as I usually am while awake. Anyhow, I did a random 10 minute focus meditation from YouTube and it really helped. Not a replacement for a good night's sleep, but at least I'm not struggling to form sentences now. #Recovery2023 #DarkSojourn

I didn't get well just so I could switch the purpose of my suffering over to helping other people not deal with their own shit. #DarkSojourn #Recovery2023

I think if I was only taking care of myself, I'd be functional enough at this point.

But I'm not. I'm fucking not. I've got to take care of other people who are also supposed to be adults.

Got the loud BlueTooth speaker turned up as loud as it will go. #DarkSojourn #Recovery2023

Just heard a quote from Grey’s Anatomy that really hit hard.

“Supporting someone and respecting them are not the same thing.”

Gonna have to let that one settle in.

#DarkSojourn #Recovery2023

After making myself do 8,201 horrible things this week, it's time to make myself work on my taxes. Hopefully this time I'll actually be done (ready to call the CPA) but given my energy levels right now, I'm not sure I can lift the first page. #Recovery2023 #darkSojourn

I am cold butter
Spread too thin in little clumps
Toast with holes in it

#DarkSojourn #haiku #Poetry #Recovery2023

I’m really glad I went on the trip. I didn’t even sell enough books to pay for gas, and I hit a wall and canceled things and disappointed people, but I did make the event, and I did get to socialize positively, and overall it was an emotional energy boost even if it drained me in other ways. I do still really love travel and need to figure out how to make it work. 80% of success is showing up, and I showed up. #Recovery2023 #DarkSojourn

If you have the sense that you’re “Borrowing against tomorrow” when it comes to health and energy levels, your intuition is probably right, and it’s gonna hurt when payment comes due. That debt is real and you won’t always be able to just bounce back. #recovery2023 #disability #DarkSojourn

Some pre-conscious side of myself secretly used to wish for a chronic illness so I’d have an excuse to rest.

The real answer is that I needed the rest then just as much as I do now, and if I’d gotten it, I probably wouldn’t have a chronic illness.

None of us are taught to trust our bodies. If you crave rest so much that you secretly wish you were sick enough to get it, it means you REALLY ACTUALLY NEED THE REST NOW. And if you don’t get it, you just might be forced to eventually. If possible, take the rest you need now. Even if you have to move mountains and disappoint people to get it. #disability #DarkSojourn #Recovery2023

Now that I’m socializing more, I have to more frequently explain the danger of me running out of energy, and through trial and error have yet to discover what to say that can fully express that the kind of tired I’m talking about means I might break down crying suddenly or won’t be functional enough to drive home. It is also impossible to convey how difficult it is for me to ascertain when or if I will become that tired. I find that when I provide enough detail, I come off as negative or whiny. Not enough detail, I hear, “Yeah I get tired too, that meeting was boring!” or “Oh just drop by for one drink, it’s not far, no big deal.” #disabled #DarkSojourn #Recovery2023

Probably the reason I fell apart yesterday is how much hope I’d put into the idea that I’m ready for prime time. That maybe I can travel again. Be social again. Be free again. But the realization that I’m very much not hit me pretty hard. #Recovery2023 #DarkSojourn 3/3