Thank you, Vague Metaphorical Fortune Cookie. #DPtoots

I’m a batch of pop culture quotes and gallows humor walking around in a trenchcoat pretending to be human. #PSA #DPtoots

I have a specific question for the folks who are:
* Over 45;
* Either divorced, or single after ending a long-term relationship, and;
* Single at this moment

Does the feeling that you will actually die alone ever go away enough where it doesn’t feel like existential dread each morning when you look at that spot in your bed that isn’t you?

For Bonus Gold Stars - Do you look at how you’ve fucked up past relationships and wonder if you missed the boat?

#DPtoots #GuessHowIWokeUpToday

Picking up a sinus infection post-op was the purest form of adding insult to injury. Antibiotics are doing their job, and I’m happy to be breathing again. Follow up visit tomorrow, and then I’ll hopefully be given the green light to talk again. #DPtoots #FuckCancer #StillHereBitches

Relationship Irritant No. 8:

Opening a can of soda, taking two sips, then leaving the rest to go flat on a table / counter.

Dammit, that stuff costs money!

#DPtoots

It’s weird how much I forget how amazing this feels - when I used to crave being in the sunshine so much. Now it feels like cave dwelling - being indoors - is my preferred mode, and it just isn’t so. #Sunshine #WasntItFreezing48HoursAgo #Austin #DPtoots

* I. Am. Tired.

#DPtoots #CrisisManagement #ScreamTherapy #

#ProofOfLife See, I am getting out of the apartment. Might try the parking lot next. #DPtoots #Austin #SelfCare

One hour. I slept for ONE HOUR, woke up inexplicably, and now have been unable to get back for two hours. If I take anything to fall back asleep, my morning will be shot … though, likely, no worse than if I just stay awake through the remainder of the night.

This episode of Sleep Calculus has been brought to you by “absolutely no one.” #DPtoots

“Historians are going to have a hard time explaining -“

Lemme stop you right there. Unless you’re @StevenBeschloss, I sincerely doubt ANY historian has the wherewithal to put the last decade in an understandable context.
#DPtoots #wtfjustwtf

I wish I had written down the time and speaker, but at some point today an #MSNBC commentator gently suggested this would be a good time to experiment with a #coalition government model in the US House.

I’ve been advocating this for 20 years, and YES I KNOW it would be a really hard sell to the American people. The harder sell would be to #TPTB, who pay obscene amounts of dark cash to keep us in a RedVBlue mentality.

Still, I can continue to stand on this milk crate and hope. #DPtoots

My apartment complex had a weird side effect from last week’s #TexasFreeze: the fire alert systems for each building are beeping for some damned reason. Slightly annoying.

What I discovered today while sitting on my balcony: the beeping isn’t happening all at the same time across the complex … and it sounds like a game of Marco Polo played by droids.
#DPtoots

Breaking News:

I am a pretty fucking princess.
#Bedhead #DPtoots

There really should be an Apple Watch workout preset for putting fresh sheets on a king bed. #DPtoots

Okay, look. I understand that we should actually call This Thing Of Ours “the #Fediverse,” and #Mastodon is really one portion of the underlying tech … but after a month of gleefully learning the ropes and getting to know a LOT of fantastic folks, my brain has locked on to The Don.

Whoops.
#DPtoots

Okay, look. I understand that we should actually call This Thing Of Ours “the #Fediverse,” and #Mastodon is really one portion of the underlying tech … but after a month of gleefully learning the ropes and getting to know a LOT of fantastic folks, my brain has locked on to The Don.

Whoops.
#DPtoots

Me: What a lovely sunbeam. Just a nice, pure vision for the afternoon -

Smoke Alarm: BEEEEEP! BEEEEEEP! Hey, doofus, your air fryer isn’t trapping as much smoke as you think!

#DPtoots

Using Toot! For my iOS Mastodon app, and my favorite aspect of the thing may be the notification sound, which is supposed to be an elephant snort but (to me) it sounds like the final note of Quincy Jones’ “The Streetbeater (SANFORD & SON Theme)”. https://youtu.be/O20Sljxmy9M #DPtoots

#JohnMastodon taught @donmelton how to boost. #DPtoots

Blasphemy Alert: I think I’m looking forward to seeing Ncuti Gatwa’s #DoctorWho adventures with Millie Gibson more than Tennant & Tate’s return to action.

Just a little bit.
#DPtoots