Coffee made, pain relief taken, vitamins taken. Today is going to be a good day, I'll make it so.
Been going through a monthly hormonal moment for 2 days I'd rather never go through as a transgender man, so it's been a rough few days. The dysphoria gets worse the longer I've been off T (been over a year due to lack of medical access and options, and I can't afford the $80 online option Folx I absolutely loved. The docs were so lovely and understanding. You can do all your appointments (except bloodwork) through zoom, and they can help you with legal things like name changes. And they really set you up with all you need for 6 months. It's definitely worth the money, but they don't take insurance sadly. I had to stop because life meant other things took priority money wise.
It's just so defeating because before I had to quit T I was making such good progress with my transition. I was bulking up, my face was more masculine, no more monthly hormone moments, my depression was doing better.
But now a year later, so much has reversed. My sides are curving in all "womanly" and so are my hips, where I used to be straight as a poll and bulky with muscle. All my muscles went away. My face slimmed down.
I was starting to get my beard hair, but that's stopped.
My wife says I 100% pass, but that doesn't help when I look in the mirror and see "woman". I've always been a very shrimpy person at 120 pounds, but on T I was up to 145-150 which made me feel so healthy and happy. And I was getting a six pack, and was getting pretty ripped. Now I'm back to looking like a skeleton. And at this time every month my mental health gets super low, because I shouldn't have these hormone moments as a man. All I want is to look in the mirror and see the man I am reflected back. But somedays it feels like I'll never get that back. Which hurts. I'm 33, I don't want want to waste anymore time being the true authentic me,
Sorry for my self pity party. Just been going through some major dysphoria, and I don't have anyone to talk to about it, except my wife. And she just tells me how lucky I am I pass, unlike her (her words, not mine. I think she's a radiant goddess and mega womanly). I want to go back to 2020 when I was taking T every week, and I was on the path to my body matching my brain.
#transgenderlife #dyspho​ria #transgenderman