I've been learning a lot about #narcissism lately because of the fact that my last #abuser was a #covert #narcissist.

I've also been well aware of how extensively I was used as a #bulldog and as a #sledgehammer. My abuser would #gaslight and #guilt me into attacking other folks that I had no issue with because they were hurt by the #target (either today or 20 years ago) and deserved some sort of #punishment.

Today I finally found some #insight into my role as a self-serving #enabler, a person who enables others' narcissistic #abuse because, although I too was being #abused (and pretty fucking badly), I received some benefit from the relationship with the narcissist that led me not only to stay but also to throw others under the bus in order to maintain that #toxic #relationship. All because of that perceived benefit.

I'd say "I feel attacked," but I'm taking this pretty seriously because it's a pattern I replayed with my mother earlier in life, enabling her grandiose narcissism by attacking the people who "hurt" her.

What benefit, then, was so important that I was willing to sell my soul for it? My abuser gave me a lot of #attention during a time when I felt incredibly #alone. My abuser also curated and eagerly moderated my relationships with their #friends and #family. And when I didn't or couldn't behave by their standards, they pulled away, often taking their friends and family with them and #isolating me in a state where I didn't really have the #spoons left (due to the #abuse) to build any relationships away from them.

My abuser used this power to great effect once I decided I was no longer tolerating or #enabling their behavior, cutting me off from everyone I'd known and cared about and #lying about their abuse of me, claiming instead that I was the abuser and they the #victim (they've had a long-standing pattern of #victimization by practically everyone in their life, whether or not these people were actually #abusive).

It took a very, very long time to rid myself of the now-#internalized belief that I was to #blame for everything that had happened to me, and I couldn't have done it without my friends and the #mental #health #professionals that treated me.

Having been responsible for hurting so many others because of my fear of losing all of the social connections and relationships that my abuser moderated sucks to know. I've apologized to some of the folks I hurt in my enabling of my abusers narcissistic abuse of others, but there's many more who I'll never get the chance to apologize to. And these folks have the absolute right to not want me in their lives ever again. Enablers are awful people sometimes, and I was pretty fucking awful when my abuser demanded it. I can #empathize with myself, but none of this excuses me, and I am owed nothing by those I've hurt for my own benefit within a toxic relationship.

I don't know when, if ever, I'll be able to wholly #forgive myself either. Maybe one day, but only by keeping the energy I have now and continuing to #grow as the person I've decided to be going forward, during this novel (for me) absence of narcissists in my life. And by making amends by raising up and serving those around me now to the best of my ability.

#Healing is a long, painful road, and it's hard to imagine what its end may look like. Maybe it never reaches one. I can live with that.

#joan #psychology

@IDspecialist
It never should have gotten this out of hand. Recall the beginning #vividly b/c I, who have always been terrified of hospitals #germphobe was in one during the time when 🥭🍊💩 was causing #massive #immigrationline #passport delays which #IMO #lit blaze

It #exploded from there but #tbh #sincerely miss R2.4 & #idk what R is now, but 14-18 seems #reasonable based on near misses I’ve had since July

In #retrospect my #hospital stay was #cool #empathize 🖤 #thankYou