We're having a side chat about the patriarchy failing men and what #healthyMasculinity might look like. I'll drop the whole comment...

I've been studying the concept of #masculinity for a while because I've felt somewhat at odds with it for most of my life. This is because a lot of the "masculinity" present in my life was not really masculinity at all. I think to understand what masculinity is, it's a good exercise to recognize what it is not:

* Bravado
* Aggression
* Domination
* Superiority
* Apathy/Detachment
* Repression
* Stoicism
* Wrecklessness
* Violence
* Loneliness/Isolation
* Shouldering burdens alone
* Being heterosexual
* Being cisgender

Many of these traits are idealized in hegemonic masculinity, which is an unattainable, unsustainable societal standard for men. It is harmful not only to men, but to everyone around them (read: the rest of the planet).

Striving for #healthymasculinity means letting go of this ideal and setting healthy, attainable standards for oneself. For a lot of us, this means learning more, confronting our shame and fear, taking genuine responsibility, and--maybe most importantly--asking for help.

I found this YouTube channel a few weeks ago called Pop Culture Detective. He makes video essays about movies, TV shows, etc., but there is a recurring theme in his videos that I really appreciate. He focuses a lot on the concept of #Masculinity and how it's portrayed in media. He often deconstructs portrayals of #HealthyMasculinity (like Ted Lasso) or #ToxicMasculinity (like The Big Bang Theory) and how the shows feed into a larger narrative that's present in our own lives.

He makes ideas accessible to pop culture fans from literature that we may not have read. He often references related passages from books like "Masculinities," "The Will to Change," "The Gender Knot," etc.

Overall, I feel like he does a really good job of advocating for a broader definition of manhood and drawing attention to toxic actions that may have seemed harmless when we grew up watching our film heroes act them out.

His newer stuff is really great. This video is old, but still a solid entry point:

https://youtu.be/Gha3kEECqUk

I don't have a complete definition for "positive/healthy masculinity" (the opposite of "toxic masculinity"), but I think it should include:

- It's OK to cry. It's *healthy* to cry. We should cry *more*, when facing a sad situation, movie, book, etc. Or when facing a tough situation and being very stressed out.
- It's also ok to cry when feeling very happy 🥲

#toxicMasculinity #PositiveMasculinity #HealthyMasculinity

#HealthyMasculinity lessons we can take away from #EverythingEverywhereAllAtOnce:

* Empathy, kindness, and vulnerability are not traits of the weak or naive.

* Showing vulnerability is a courageous act.

* You can understand and accept how bad things are, and then make a strategic, purposeful choice to fight back against hard times by listening and understanding, by holding space for others, by being brave enough to be vulnerable with someone else, or by empowering yourself with humor and joy.

* You don't have to be a pushover to balance your needs with others', or to be open and loving.

* You don't have to be domineering to be heard.

* You don't have to be ignorant to be sweet.

* You don't have to be serious to be taken seriously.

* You don't always have to be the hero--it's also great to inspire others and/or be content supporting their own path to success.

* You can be proactively empathetic.

* If nothing we do matters, then it is only what we do that matters.

* You don't have anything to prove.

The best #movie I saw in 2022 was "Everything, Everywhere, All At Once." It's a great movie, but in particular, Waymond's storyline was particularly resonant with me. So much so that I had to explain some of the plot to my therapist, who had not seen it, so I could unravel my feelings about it with him. I literally made big life decisions this last year based in part on realizations inspired by that movie. A movie with a scene where a man and a woman fight to the death over a buttplug in the middle of an office building changed my fucking life.

This #VideoEssay illustrates a part of why this movie was so pivotal for me. It obviously doesn't touch on the nuance of how I connected my own life to it and what it meant for me specifically, because I didn't make this video, but it provides a great analysis of Waymond's impact on our ideals pertaining to #HealthyMasculinity vs #ToxicMasculinity, and I think there are some important takeaways presented here.

#EverythingEverywhereAllAtOnce

https://invidious.snopyta.org/watch?v=O7YnbGszcb8

The best movie I saw in 2022 was "Everything, Everywhere, All At Once." It's a great movie, but in particular, Waymond's storyline was particularly resonant with me. So much so that I had to explain some of the plot to my therapist, who had not seen it, so I could unravel my feelings about it with him. I literally made big life decisions this last year based in part on realizations inspired by that movie. A movie with a scene where a man and a woman fight to the death over a buttplug in the middle of an office building changed my fucking life.

This video illustrates a part of why this movie was so pivotal for me. It obviously doesn't touch on the nuance of how I connected my own life to it and what it meant for me specifically, because I didn't make this video, but it provides a great analysis of Waymond's impact on our ideals pertaining to #HealthyMasculinity vs #ToxicMasculinity, and I think there are some important takeaways presented here.

#EverythingEverywhereAllAtOnce

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7YnbGszcb8

Today I randomly decided to start a little community, in the app called Bottled, about #HealthyMasculinity.

So far quite the good reception, I really hope I can work on my own sense of trust of other men through this experience.

#Bottled is a beautiful social app with a clever matching system, where I found good people to share experiences and discussions. But as many social matching apps, it's full of toxic or inappropriate behaviour coming from guys.
I hope some of them will seek the light!