If my body/brain could tell me if I’m sick, allergies is extra stupid or brain just decided to take a break, that would be great…

#ActuallyAutistic #Introception

Autistic Sensory Issues and Masking

I realised the other day that I had a formative memory that pointed towards the start of masking for me and I wanted to talk about it.

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Around 4-5 years old during the Christmas Concerts at Primary School there were heavy drums being played by the older children in a different classes performance. The drums made my tummy feel funny and that I was uncomfortable sitting on the floor at the front so close. I fidgeted and tried to sit on my hands to get away from it and got frowned at by my teacher.

The next day I asked if I could go sit on a chair with my parents for the next evenings performances. Instead I was told by my teachers that I can't possibly be uncomfortable due to drum vibrations and I was making a fuss and they wouldn't let me sit with my parents further back and I had to stay with the rest of my class on the floor. As they were all fine with it and it was a celebration to be had with my classmates.

So for the next 2 evenings I sat at the front with my classmates unable to pay attention to the performances and spent all my effort trying to stay still and ignore the physical discomfort.

That is when I learned that my discomfort was to be hidden, that being seen to be with my peers and participate the same as others was more important than any discomfort I had. That I was to ignore signals from my body as they were not normal and shouldn't be spoken about. As an adult I can see how this thinking I had internalised at that young age got me into less than desirable situations in my teens and has impacted my relationship with my own body for most of my life.

#Autistic #SensoryIssue #Masking #Introception #UndiagnosedAutism