"You can’t make your family treat you well, but you can make sure you’re not around for them to mistreat you." - Carolyn Hax, Washington Post

https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/07/05/carolyn-hax-single-aunt-couch/

This quote sums up why I had togo #NoContact and #LowContact with many family members. (Best decision I've ever made!)

You can't make people change or treat you well, but you can change and expect better for yourself and even give yourself better.

Because #MentalWellness is important.

#MentalHealth #family #CPTSD

#ParallelParenting is the only viable way to go if you share #custody with a #narcissist, #histrionic or #borderline ex.

Until the kids age out, you can’t go full #NoContact. Parallel parenting is basically a #LowContact model of #coparenting for #HighConflict people who are psychologically incapable of co-parenting. The premise being that it’s not divorce that is damaging to children, but rather parents who continue to engage in conflict after the #divorce. You hash out as many kid decisions in the custody agreement so there’s theoretically less to argue about later. Although, Crazy will often want to argue about things they’ve already agreed to.

#BIFF communication is an important skillset and vital to successful parallel parenting. BIFF stands for brief, informative, firm and friendly. However, I think that friendly often signals “bulldoze my #boundaries,” and recommend a civil business tone.

The #BPD, #NPD, #HPD ex will continue to be provocative and try to engage you via inflammatory emails/texts using a combination of character assassination, #gaslighting, #projection, #FalseAllegations and #DARVO. In other words, the same old same old.

If you’re doing BIFF well, you don’t bite on any of the emotional baiting. You learn to ignore the bullshit and only reply to legitimate kid issues. This can be incredibly difficult. Especially if you’re prone to #JADE-ing (justify, argue, defend, explain) and have other #codependent #PeoplePleaser traits.

This is why having a menu of canned responses can be helpful. For example, if your #CrazyEx is a “I WANT AN ANSWER NOW!!! IF YOU DON’T REPLY IMMEDIATELY, I’LL TAKE YOU BACK TO COURT AND TELL THE JUDGE YOU REFUSE TO COPARENT! IF I DON’T HEAR BACK FROM YOU IN 30 SECONDS, I’M GOING TO TAKE THAT AS A YES AND DO WHAT I WANT TO DO ANYWAY!!! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! I’M NOT YOUR VICTIM ANYMORE!!!”

Ordinarily, I recommend ignoring this kind of message for kid non-emergencies (e.g., BBB - blood, broken bones, brain damage). Are you concerned the ex will, for example, book a non-refundable vacation during your custody time, get the kids excited and thereby set you up to be the bad guy when you say no (as you should when a BPD/NPD/HPD pulls that kind of power stunt)? Then you can reply, “I’ll think about it and get back to you in a few days.” And then ignore the ensuing #AdultTemperTantrum.

I recommend doing this even if you already know your answer is No. Why? To train the ex not to expect instant replies. Depending on the severity of the ex’s #ClusterB pathology, that may never happen. Nevertheless, it’s important to have boundaries even if they don’t respect them. One, because it’s healthy for you. Two, if you have a semi-rational/semi-unbiased judge and/or kid therapist, they’ll be better able to see who the problem parent is.

#AbuseHasNoGender

In my work, adult children of #narcissist, #borderline and #histrionic mothers (#ACON) who go #NoContact or #LowContact often have a harder time than clients who’ve done the same with #toxic fathers.

Ending ties with an #AbusiveMom begets a, “but she’s your mother...” social and familial #GuiltTrip and other #ShamingTactics.

Whereas clients who end or limit contact with similarly abusive dads are lauded as brave and as making the healthy choice.

Explains a lot, doesn’t it? (Think family court).

#AbuseHasNoGender #NPD #BPD #HPD