#MinorWisdoms “How to avoid screwing up an anniversary”

Imagine a band playing a Halloween show where they’re going to don a “musical costume.” Now imagine this show happens to coincide with the 50th anniversary of beloved albums like “At Fillmore East” and “Skull and Roses.” Expectations would be high, right? Now imagine that instead of playing one of those albums, that band debuts the soundtrack to The Power Rangers. I’d say “imagine the disappointment” but I bet you don’t have to. So…
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#MinorWisdoms “Don’t get cute with your pre-show meal”

The first time Dead and Co played LA, my wife and I grabbed dinner at a nearby Ethiopian restaurant. My wife insisted we try kitfo (Ethiopian steak tartare). After we finished eating, the owner told me kitfo has “cleansing properties” as she motioned to her butt. And that I had “about an hour to get home.” What ensued was a race to make it to the Forum’s bathroom before disaster. I made it. By seconds. Don’t be like me; just eat a shoagie.

#MinorWisdoms - “The satisfaction of doing something yourself...”

When we bought our house, I was not very handy. But I watched a lot of YouTube videos and learned how to scrape and smooth popcorn ceilings, tile, refinish cabinetry, run electrical, even build basic furniture. And it felt really good to do it all myself. But now that I have kids and a bit more disposable income, I’ve discovered it feels even better to just hire a professional to do the work right.

#MinorWisdoms “Four words that can save your marriage”

7.22.16 - #Phish played The Forum. On my way home I monologued to my wife for like an hour about Jukebox Trey. She listened (or at least pretended to) and then said, “I’m sorry. That sucks.” And I felt HEARD!

I’m a problem-solver, but I’ve learned to STFU, listen, and say, “I’m sorry. That sucks.” when she has a problem. The ability to vent to your partner about life (or bad PH setlists) and feel heard is crucial to a healthy partnership.

#MinorWisdoms “How to wook without being a wook”

I’m 41. I’ve got a job, a wife, two kids, and a dog that has never been locked in a car during a show. I shower daily, trust vaccines over the healing powers of crystals, and decline to snort unknown powders with strangers off arena toilet seats. Basically, I don’t wanna be a wook!

But sometimes I have shit seats. So just before the show starts, I check Ticketmaster for unsold seats. It’s a roadmap to better seats without inconveniencing anyone.

#MinorWisdoms “Grate your own cheese for great grated cheese”

Pre-grated cheese : Katy Perry :: Grate-your-own cheese : The Grateful Dead

PG cheese is very accessible. It’s also full of weird fillers like potato starch and cellulose. And while I wouldn’t judge you for enjoying it, I would for preferring it. GYO cheese requires more effort, but you’ll be rewarded for putting in the time and work. It’s sooo much tastier and melts (your face) way better.

#MinorWisdoms “How to dry your shoes without them going badump-badump-badump-badump-badump-badump-badump…”

#MinorWisdoms “How to continue enjoying live music”

Last year, I lost all hearing in my right ear. Weird condition and I ended up making a full recovery. But at the time, I was confronted with the prospect that I might never properly hear Trey ripcord DWD for Waiting All Night again. That actually made me very sad. I like hearing. Even the painful ripcords. So in order to protect my hearing, I wear earplugs to shows. Loop and Eargasm are good and cheap. Bonus: they minimize chompers’ chomping!

#MinorWisdoms “Don’t be an e-mail idiot”

Someone accidentally sends an email to the entire company. That’s bad. Then someone hits “reply all” and says they’re not supposed to be a recipient of this email. That’s worse. Then 122 people hit “reply all” and ask to be taken off this thread. That’s THE WORST! I’d compare it to Coventry but at least Coventry has that wicked Melt jam. These reply all’ers have no redeeming qualities. None. Zero. Zilch. I hate them and their ass faces!

#MinorWisdoms “Don’t do work Zooms from 9AM until 6:30PM”

Don’t do work Zooms from 9AM until 6:30PM.

(That’s all I got today after doing work Zooms from - well, you get the idea.)

#MinorWisdoms “You can sleep on the plane”

This was my first time doing Phish Dicks. Met up with my best friend of like 28 (?) years. He lives about 2,500 miles away, so we see each other at most once a year. On the final night as we were leaving, he said we should hit the after-show at Cervantes. I’m too old for after-shows, but just old enough to know the value of seeing live music with my best friend. He barely made his 7AM flight; I got Covid. We both still think it was totally worth it!

#MinorWisdoms “The benefits of planning”

“Phish just walks out on stage with no setlist and they let it roll, man! That’s how the magic happens!” Mmhm, yep, but that’s also how set 2 of the 10/25/16 Grand Prairie show happened. Sometimes winging it ain’t magical.

This is especially true with grocery shopping. Each week I meal plan and figure out ALL the ingredients and other stuff I need BEFORE I go to the store. This saves money and time, and prevents food waste.

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If you’re checking out Mastadon ‘cuz Twitter is doing Twitter shit today, welcome!

This corner of the Internet has been a really nice one to hang out in. I’m talkin’ @Neddyo ‘s music recs, no nazis, friendly discussion about the best cheeses at Trader Joe’s, no fascists, @chopaganda ‘s most disappointing Phish shows, no trolls, yummy recipes, no racists, skiing pics, no misogynists, my dumb #minorwisdoms, no transphobes, lots of good vibes, no Elon Musk.

Sound cool? Stay awhile!

#MinorWisdoms “How to personal hygiene”

Come with me. I built the world’s worst time machine. It can only go back to Coventry. We arrive. You slip and fall, and your hands are covered in muck. I offer you toilet paper. You look at me like I’m dumb. It’s 2004 - running water exists, so why would you clean mud off with TP?! “It’s not mud - it’s human feces,” I explain. “Use TP to get poop off my hands?! That’s disgusting,” you say. “SO WHY THE FUCK DO YOU USE TP TO CLEAN YOUR SHITTY ASS?!”

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#MinorWisdoms “How to store cucumbers and tomatoes”

Had a friend whose introduction to Llama was a “slow Llama.” Since this was his entry point, he assumed this was the right way to Llama. As a kid, his mom stored cucumbers and tomatoes in the fridge, so he assumed that was the right way to store them. He was WRONG! Cucumbers last WAY longer and tomatoes taste WAY better when stored at room temperature, and Llamas are WAY better fast. This is not an opinion; it’s science. Don’t fight science.

#MinorWisdoms “How to survive a war zone.”

I met a grizzled old vet at a Widespread Panic show who said, “I was held in a Hanoi POW camp for 3 years, did an 8 year stint at Rikers, and was on tour with Phish for all of 2.0 - but none of that was as bad as a Trader Joe’s between 5 and 7 PM!”

Okay, I totally made that up. But that it was even a tiny bit believable, speaks volumes. Trader Joe’s can be a waking nightmare, but it doesn’t have to be. There is another way…

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#MinorWisdoms “How to prevent food waste”

Our greatest minds have spent decades trying in vain to solve a very serious problem we all face:

What do you do with leftover french fries?

In ‘murica we don’t use the metric system but restaurants still give folks a metric fuck ton of fries. If you don’t want to waste them, you’re left with a binary choice. 1. Eat until you puke (awful choice) 2. Reheat the fries the next day and eat them (even worse choice).

But hark! There’s a 3rd option…

#MinorWisdoms “How to cure sleep deprivation AND save your marriage!”

I’m being facetious. But not really.

Scandinavians have given us the paper clip, Legos, and Casa Sui, but arguably their most important innovation is: the 2 duvet system. Instead of sharing 1 blanket (the leading cause of divorce), a couple each get their own duvet. Imagine not being woken up when your thieving partner steals the blanket and not drowning in sweat because they wanna be extra cozy. 2 duvets = 2 happy people!

@NateFederman Are the #MinorWisdoms in honor of former Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals Judge John Minor Wisdom? He’s got my second favorite judge name (after Judge Learned Hand).

Yes, I’m a law dork.

#MinorWisdoms - “How to PROPERLY reheat leftover pizza”

Cold pizza is like cold sex - you can easily do better (or at least some of you can). Trump would use a microwave. Pence would use a toaster.

You should heat a skillet or frying pan over medium heat. Place the leftover slice in the pan. Place a 1/4 tsp of water on the hot pan and then cover. Cook a few minutes. The water creates steam which re-melts the cheese and the hot pan gives you a nice CRISPY bottom.

This will change your life!