#NarcissistDictionary" "You're an emotionless robot!"

Of course, you're not really an emotionless robot. If a #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic partner or ex has ever accused you of being a robot it likely means that:

a) You’ve stopped telling the #NPD, #BPD or #HPD your
thoughts and feelings, because they weaponize them against you.

b) You’ve emotionally
detached and walk away from their #ClusterB threats, tantrums, rages, name-calling and victim playing.

c) You're freezing as a defense mechanism (i.e., fight, flight, freeze or fawn).

Relationships with #narcissists, #histrionics and #borderlines eventually devolve into an endless series of no-win situations, which can instill learned helplessness then despair.

You have emotions, but you've stopped sharing them because it isn't safe. Detachment is healthy in the face of repetitive, relentless pointless conflict. The healthiest choice would be to end the relationship and have friendships with people who don't mistreat and abuse you.

Ideally, detachment and disengagement is a temporary coping strategy while planning your exit. Long-term it's no way to live.

#AbuseHasNoGender

#NarcissistDictionary: Strategic or Weaponized #Incompetence

Or, what I’ve long referred to as playing dumb and/or deliberately screwing up tasks in order to get out of doing them in the future. Typically utilized by the #DamselinDistress or #DudeInDistress, the #ClusterB variety pack, the #ProfessionalVictim and the #PassivAggressive. (*These groups are not mutually exclusive.)

We’re all human. We all make mistakes. What matters is that we take ownership of our blunders and f—k-ups, apologize, fix it (if possible) and make an honest effort to be more careful in the future. Furthermore, many people have individual particular preferences that, when we share a space with others, we may need to accept won’t always be accommodated.

For example, toilet paper flap goes over not under. Small logs on top and bigger logs on the bottom of the firewood stack. Perfectly folded fitted sheets.

Strategic or weaponized incompetence is repetitive carelessness, damage and destruction of your property and the foisting of one’s share of responsibilities at work or at home. It’s a behavior pattern that repeatedly occurs over time. Generally, it doesn’t get better because it’s not an anomalous unintentional screw-up. It’s an intentional tactic serving to reduce the effort they put into the relationship that requires you to contribute more.

Ever wonder why relationships with these types are so exhausting? I mean, beside the #drama, pointless circular arguments, absence of formal logic and other crazy-making irrationalities and abuse?
Because these individuals dump the as much of their adult responsibility onto their partners, kids, colleagues and other #enablers as they can get away with.

If or when you finally express frustration or the tiniest bit of criticism, the #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic will:

a) #PlayVictim. “Why are you being so mean?!?! It’s not like I do these things on purpose!!”

b) Attack and What About. “Oh, like you’re Mr./Ms. Perfect!? Like you never screw up!?!?! What about the [one time you made an honest mistake, apologized and corrected the mistake that the #NPD, #BPD or #HPD holds over you in perpetuity]?!?!?!?!”

c) Martyr mode. “I can’t do anything right. You must be so sick of me. I’m so stupid. I bet you hate me now. Boo hoo, boo hoo, boo hoo hoo hoo.”

d) Minimize and dismiss. “You’re such a perfectionist! Why do you always have to make a mountain out of a molehill? You’re soooooo sensitive. If you’re so unhappy with how I do things, why don’t you do it yourself?!”

e) Rage.

f) All of the above.

You can begin cooking, cleaning up, etc., only for yourself. However, don’t be surprised if their clutter stacks become high rises and their bathroom sink becomes caked with toothpaste, shaved hairs and other nastiness. This measure isn’t possible if you share kids with them, of course.

Mature adults and good partners don’t dump their share of household responsibility onto the other partner. If your girlfriend, wife, boyfriend or husband engages in strategic incompetence, I wager it isn’t their only selfish, immature, exploitative and shitty behavior. Do you really want to live with this?

#AbuseHasNoGender

[*The earliest use I can find for the term Strategic incompetence is by Robert Sutton, PhD author of "The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't, which is a really good book!]

#NarcissistDictionary” “Why do you hate me?!?!”

Translation: “Why are you holding me #accountable?! Why aren’t you #enabling me!? Why aren’t you letting me weasel out of #consequences for my shitty behavior?! Why aren’t you accepting my usual meaningless non-apologies and platitudes and hitting the reset button on the #AbuseCycle?!?!”i

Frequently, this manipulation tactic is punctuated with a “You’re just so mean!!!” or “I wish I were dead!! I should just kill myself!!!” Followed by the #narcissist, #histrionic or #borderline running from the room, the slamming of doors and loud theatrical sobbing.

AND SCENE.

What’s the objective of this particular melodrama?

To yet again evade personal responsibility, and to manipulate you into apologizing to and comfort your abuser. It’s pretty perverse. It also hits your #FOG buttons – fear, obligation and guilt.

Fear that she or he might actually harm themselves. Fear that they’ll wake the kids or that a concerned neighbor will call the police. Guilt if they actually were to hurt themselves (they likely won’t). Obligation to take care of someone who APPEARS to be hurting. They’re not. They’re angry and frustrated that they’re losing control and that their usual manipulation tactics are no longer working.

Have you ever experienced a version of this?

#AbuseHasNoGender #BPD #NPD #HPD

#NarcissistDictionary: “I got screwed!"

In #NPD, #BPD, #HPD-ese this means, “I have to share 50/50 physical custody, no #alimony, he gets to keep the house because it’s a premarital asset and I can’t pay the mortgage and minimal child support! Not fair! #Waaagh!!!”

No sweetheart, you didn’t get screwed. This is what most rational adults call fair. And it's about as close to fair as most dads can hope to get.

A #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic believes they got screwed if they:

1) Don’t get a bigger slice of pie (e.g., majority custody, more marital assets than they contributed to the marriage).

2) Don't get away with their lies and other deprivations without #accountability or #consequence.

3) Don’t get special recognition, accolades and other rewards without doing the work. For example, being seen as an expert for their opinions absent any actual scholarship and working in a specialty field. Or as I like to say, just because you’ve been a passenger on an airplane doesn’t mean you’re qualified to fly one (regardless of how much YouTube research you may have done).

4) Have to play by the same rules/laws the rest of us mere mortals abide by.

So, if your NPD/BPD/HPD partner or ex is caterwauling about life being unfair or getting screwed, it likely means they’ve experienced accountability, consequences and/or managed to accidentally stumble upon a two-way street with no double standards.

#AbuseHasNoGender

#NarcissistDictionary: “Your family needs to #apologize to me.”

#Apology demands are for imaginary slights, innocent misunderstandings and/or in-law boundary adjustments that wouldn’t be a big deal for reasonable normies. This is a power grab and domination move. It can also be a #DARVO and projection tactic. Meaning, the #MeghanMarkleisToxic demands an apology when held #accountable or is #exposed for their bad behavior. The perpetrator expects an apology from the victim.

As such, an apology doesn’t resolve the “issue” because the real issue is the character pathology of a #ClusterB #PersonalityDisorder. In other words, it won’t stop or get better.

Basically, “Your family needs to apologize to me” translates to “Bend the knee; kiss the ring.” And if you oblige their initial outrageous #ego, #ControlFreak, #narcissist, #borderline, #histrionic #VerucaSalt demands, it opens the floodgates for more of the same and far worse.

I’ve worked with families desperate to reconcile with their sons, grandsons, brothers and uncles who’ve married a #MeghanMarkle type. It’s heartbreaking. In many ways it’s similar to losing a family member to a #cult. If you try to defend yourself or point how destructive the relationship is, it “proves” the #NPD, #BPD, #HPD #FalseNarrative grievances. Apologizing to “keep the peace” also fuels the false narrative grievances.

There’s not much these families can do until or unless the “#PrinceHarry” recognizes how they’re being abused, manipulated, exploited, isolated and estranged. Sadly, this usually doesn’t occur until they’ve been #devalued, #discarded and become the victim of a #FalseAccusation of #DomesticViolence and #ParentalAlienation.

However, in #PrinceSpareMe’s case, I suspect he has some Cluster B pathology of his own. In fact, I’m beginning to think it’s a NPD-BPD coupling. In which case, when they finally turn on each other it’s going to get UGLY, or rather, UGLIER.

#AbuseHasNoGender

#NarcissistDictionary: “You need to #forgive me!!!”
No, you don't.

I realize many of you may be thinking, “Doesn't demanding #forgiveness imply admission of wrongdoing?” Yes, when dealing with normies, neurotics and codependents it implies admission of wrongdoing and #remorse. It also typically includes a sincere apology in front of the request for forgiveness.

When a #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic demands forgiveness, it doesn't mean they're sorry for . . . anything. It's usually a desperate obligatory #guilt and #shame tactic to escape well-deserved #consequences and #accountability. For example, divorce and/or loss of you supporting their entitled butts.

The #NPD, #BPD, #HPD, #ClusterB variety pack equates forgiveness to the proverbial “get out of jail free” card. And, if you don’t let them off the hook you’re mean, selfish, a bad Christian (don’t know if this kind of shaming works in other religions), etc.

There are many definitions of forgiveness. My definition doesn’t include giving the NPD, BPD, HPD unfettered access to abuse and use you to infinity and beyond. If you want to forgive them, do it for yourself. Meaning you let go of any anger, resentment or bitterness you have toward them and how they mistreated you. You do this after going through the grief and healing process, which takes time.

Furthermore, you can also forgive from a nice safe distance. Meaning, you don’t let these human wrecking balls back into your life.

#AbuseHasNoGender

What does it mean when a #narcissist, #histrionic or #borderline blasts, "YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME!!!!?"

It doesn't mean you haven't heard and understood their demands, complaints and accusations the first dozen or so times they've whined/yelled them at you. It doesn't mean you're a bad listener/communicator. Nor does it mean you're abusive and/or a bad partner.

It likely means you've disagreed with the #BPD, #NPD, #HPD, told them no or aren't going along with their bullshit victim narrative. You listened. You understand their words. In reality, the problem is the narcissist or borderline. And their pathological inability/refusal to accept reality and take no for an answer.

#NarcissistDictionary #AbuseHasNoGender

#NarcissistDictionary: "I'm sorry you feel that way" is #NPD/ #BPD/ #HPD for "F--k your feelings."

Typically, a #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic doesn't feel remorse or regret for the hurt, pain and destruction they perpetrate on their victims. Their inability to take #responsibility for their actions, lack of #empathy and a #conscience and tendency of #splitting, #BlackAndWhiteThinking and #EmotionalReasoning make it virtually impossible.

The only time these individuals feel #sorry is when they feel sorry for themselves. For example, when they finally experience a consequence for their #antisocial behavior. Or, they don't get whatever it is they've been lying, scheming, manipulating and bullying to obtain.

Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" isn't an #apology. It's an abdication of responsibility. Basically, the message is, "Your feelings are your problem, not mine." If the NPD/BPD/HPD smirks while saying it, they're most definitely not sorry. They gloating and delighting in having inflicted pain upon you.

*Please note, while I don't know it for a fact #AmberHeardIsALiar said "I'm sorry you feel that way" to #JohnnyDeppWon, I just know that it's true (to paraphrase a running Bill Maher segment).

I chose one of #AmberHeard's many #smirk photos because her smirks are the smirkiest smirks. The arrogance, contempt and disdain oozes from the corners of her mouth. In addition to being a #PathologicalLiar, #FalseAccuser and perpetrator of #DomesticViolence, she's now officially a #deadbeat. Apparently, she's hiding out in Europe claiming to be a homeless person. Her argument being, the Virginia court can't collect a judgment from her is she is stateless. In other words, DEADBEAT.

#AbuseHasNoGender #MenToo