Normal Island News

Sunak considering putting "Chinese spy" in House of Lords
He would fit in nicely with the Russian oligarch
It has been revealed a parliamentary researcher was arrested back in March in Edinburgh under suspicion of being a Chinese spy. This has sent shockwaves through the political world because until this point, we thought all Chinese spies were weather balloons that had drifted off course.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/sunak-considering-putting-chinese?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #ChineseSpy #Sunak #politics

Normal Island News

UK celebrates first anniversary of its greatest ever leader
I can't believe it's been one year already...
Yesterday, the UK celebrated the one year anniversary of its greatest ever, yet shortest serving, prime minister, Liz Truss.
Liz was one of the five prime ministers we had during an eventful six-year period in which everything stopped working - and she was unquestionably the prime minister with the best selfie skills.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/uk-celebrates-first-anniversary-of?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #LizTruss

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Government explains it sadly can't fix crumbling schools
because it doesn't want to...

A number of schools have been forced to close due to “safety concerns” after it was revealed they were made from “reinforced autoclaved aerated concrete”, which is a fancy term for “paper mache”. It remains unclear why the schools weren’t also draped in flammable cladding like Grenfell tower. This appears to be an embarrassing oversight.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/government-explains-it-sadly-cant?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #schools

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King Charles orders family to forget about Prince Andrew's crimes
This is such a touching family reunion
Prince Andrew, who used £13 million of your money to pay off his rape accuser, who he’d definitely never met, despite being photographed with his arm around her when she was 17, has been welcomed back into the royal fold. This is because it’s essential the royal family upholds proud British values and traditions.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/king-charles-orders-family-to-forget?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #PrinceAndrew

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Donald Trump puts mugshot on exciting range of merchandise
Capitalists never miss an opportunity to capitalise

America’s most respected intellectual, Donald Trump, suffered the humiliation of having his mugshot released after he was arrested in Georgia for trying to change the outcome of the 2020 US presidential election.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/donald-trump-puts-mugshot-on-exciting?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #trump

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Scotland Yard agrees it’s fine to bribe King Charles
If you have a suitcase of cash, you can buy a CBE
Scotland Yard has dropped an investigation into King Charles following ridiculous cash-for-honours allegations. The investigation concluded bribery is how all honours are awarded, apart from the ones awarded through blackmail.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/scotland-yard-agrees-its-fine-to?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #KingCharles #ScotlandYard

Normal Island News

Nadine Dorries is getting paid £84k for doing f*ck all
This is best for everyone
I can confirm the only woman Boris Johnson has ever turned down, Nadine Dorries, has not breached the MPs’ code of conduct, despite not attending parliament in over a year. This is because everyone agrees it’s best she stays away.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/nadine-dorries-is-getting-paid-84k?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #NadineDorries

#NormalIslandNews

#RishiSunak takes inspiration from Russia and Belarus
This is a great step forward for human rights
Defender of democracy Rishi Sunak will campaign the next election on leaving the European Convention on Human Rights after taking inspiration from his friends in Russia and Belarus. It’s understood Sunak sought advice from his donor Lord Lebedev of Siberia and his most trusted employees at Infosys who think it’s a brilliant idea.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/rishi-sunak-takes-inspiration-from?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#ECHR #ToryFail

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Nominees too embarrassed to accept peerages from Liz Truss
This makes absolutely no sense to me
At least two people have declined honours from our greatest ever leader, Liz Truss, because they’re “too embarrassed” to receive them. One said it would be “humiliating” to be honoured by our shortest serving prime minister and the other said they “don’t deserve it” which is ridiculous.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/nominees-too-embarrassed-to-accept?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #LizTruss #HonoursList

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Sewage falls named UK's most beautiful landmark
This award was well-deserved...

If you can brave the unchartered wilderness of North Yorkshire, somehow surviving the biting year-round cold and the savages snarling “Eyup, lad!” while you steer clear of the barbarian stronghold known as “Middlesbrough”, you will be treated to a spectacle that experts have described as “Britain’s most beautiful landmark”.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/sewage-falls-named-uks-most-beautiful?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #SewageParty #environment

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Thérèse Coffey has declared war on #Greenpeace
She is the true hero of our time

Green Goddess Thérèse Coffey has ordered the Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs to cut all ties with Greenpeace after it draped Rishi Sunak’s house in oil-black fabric and held up a NO NEW OIL sign. Thankfully, Rishi and his family were safe because they were on holiday in California at one of their three other homes.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/therese-coffey-has-declared-war-on?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #ThereseCoffey

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Far-right proudly stands with Trump as he faces court
The people who tried to overthrow democracy are concerned about democracy

The US has stunned the world by putting its most articulate human costume wearer, Donald Trump, in the dock, breaking a long-standing tradition that reptilians are considered above the law.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/far-right-proudly-stands-with-trump?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #Trump #FarRight

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Sunak to issue oil and gas licenses to hit net zero targets
This might be the most logical thing he has ever done.
Rishi Sunak has announced the latest step in his government’s net zero strategy, which involves issuing 100 new licences to drill for oil and gas. This move has attracted criticism from all the people nobody sensible listens to.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/sunak-to-issue-oil-and-gas-licenses?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #RishiSunak #politics #oil #gas #OilCompanies #environment #GlobalBoiling #ClimateChange

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Regulator says it's fine to call Matt Hancock "Tw*t Mancock"
Apparently, it's fine to tell the truth about politicians

Britain’s greatest ever health secretary, Matt Hancock, is distraught after his complaint against The Daily Mirror was rejected by press regulator IPSO.

Disgustingly, IPSO rejected Hancock’s complaint on the basis everything The Daily Mirror wrote was true, even though it definitely wasn’t.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/regulator-says-its-fine-to-call-matt?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #MattHancock

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#BritishGas thrilled to announce they have made a killing
In this case, it was quite literally!
British Gas has reported an 889% increase in #profits in the first half of the year, racking up a sensational £969 million! In contrast, British Gas only made £98 million at this point last year. British Gas owner, #Centrica saw profits rise by a whopping 1,900% to £1.4 billion and Shell made £3.9 billion in just three months.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/british-gas-thrilled-to-announce?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews

#NormalIslandNews

#KingCharles is getting the hungry children's money
Thankfully, we have our priorities in order

If you were concerned the country can’t find the money to feed #HungrySchoolChildren, you will be delighted we’ve found the money to increase King Charles’ Universal Credit by 45%. Charles, the UK’s biggest ever #welfare recipient, will receive £125 million a year, which is what the average household needs to cope with the after-effects of Liz Truss.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/king-charles-is-getting-the-hungry?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

Normal Island News
Donald Trump to be arrested for borrowing nuclear secrets
Obviously, this is a massive witch hunt
America’s foremost intellectual, Donald Trump, says he expects to be arrested after being told he is the target of an FBI investigation. During the announcement, Trump’s hairpiece (which came from the same litter as Michael Fabricant’s) jumped from his head and crawled through an open window where it was sadly snatched by a bald eagle.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/donald-trump-to-be-arrested-for-borrowing?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews

Normal Island News

Tories furiously insist they will starve more children than Labour would
And they have the track record to back this up
Following yesterday’s earth-shattering announcement that Labour would starve children by keeping the two-child welfare cap (which even had me cheering), the Tories have furiously insisted they are the real child starvers.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/tories-furiously-insist-they-will?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #ChildBenefit #ToryLies #LabourUTurn #sunak #starmer #poverty

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Labour leader launches unexpected policy blitz
Nobody was ready for this...

Ladies and gentlemen, meet your next prime minister, Sir Keith Thatcher.

Isn’t he lovely?

I can exclusively reveal that Sir Keith plans to defeat his mirror image, Margaret Sunak, at the 2024 general election with the inspiring message that nothing will ever change. Ever.

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?pli=1#inbox/FMfcgzGtwDCNwfbMGmQLkvwsLCWslMJH

#NormalIslandNews #Starmer #Labour #LabourRightWingCoup #LabourFiles #politics

Normal Island News

Liz Truss is paid £15,770 an hour for her main job
Her second job as an MP pays peanuts

It’s been revealed our former prime minister, the accidental disaster capitalist who lasted almost as long as a lettuce, is paid £15,770 an hour for her main job. If you didn’t know, the tireless Liz generously works a second job as an MP because she knows her country needs her.

https://open.substack.com/pub/normalislandnews/p/liz-truss-is-paid-15770-an-hour-for?r=12u3ju&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email

#NormalIslandNews #LizTruss #SecondJob