https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1BneeJTDcU

I was born in the eighties. How can I not go a day without rotting my brain on mindless internet drivel? I did it for like two decades. (note: Bo Burnham not included in mindless drivel) #BoBurnham #NoSurf

I'm setting out on my third major attempt to curb this by doctoring up my smart phone. Previous attempts were rebuilding an iPod to stop using my phone as a media device, buying a watch, ditching a laptop for a desktop, degoogling, converting to lineageOS, and committing to only using free and opensource apps, unpluq (kept plugging that stupid dongle into my phone so often I fucked up my port) simple launchers, and even a god damn fidget spinner. (That's a lot of time, money, and effort spent on something that's not that big of a deal./s) I'm currently using slimlauncher and have my phone on greyscale, and while I am doing okay, I'm a few days in... But I know I'm going to slip up, and keep chipping away at my resolve that keeps me from just undoing the counter measures I've set up. I built this cage and I sure as hell am gonna dismantle it.

I know the obvious solution is to have someone put parental controls on my device, it's sensible and keeps me from needing to buy a dumb phone... But oh my god, the absolute shame of telling someone in your life that you literally can't trust yourself to stop scrolling... It's humiliating. Plus losing agency over something I own rankles me.

Buying a hardware solution is attractive because it feels like agency. When people ask me why I want to find a smart phone alternative I keep comparing it to trying to quite smoking while still carrying a pack of cigarettes in your pocket. The temptation is CONSTANT. and DRAINING. This habit is actively derailing my life and impeding my growth, and I feel like I can't be taken seriously copping to it. I know it isn't the suffering olympics, but saying you can't stop using the internet as compared to saying you need help coping with substance abuse is like... "Just magically develop enough will power and discipline to just not do the thing you've done your whole life. This guy has a chemical dependency, what the hell is your excuse?" And I know this is real, and hard, and the psychology of it, but now suddenly I need to convince someone that I'm just as worse off as an alcoholic.

The irony of this is that I just got high as hell for the first time in months and only just realized how BIG of a deal this is for me. That this is going to be real work, and it isn't going to get easier any time soon. And with collapse brain, doing anything for my future benefit just feels like robbing Peter to pay Paul, and my ADHD brain means I'm already attempting this with a low amount of executive function.

... I know community is an important part of the fight for a lot of folks, and I guess that's the only reason I'm writing this up. I'm sure this isn't a new realization among folks dealing with this, but I needed to put this here more just to bookmark this moment for me... that what I'm feeling right now isn't a fleeting thought, it's a REALITY, my taking it seriously is an IMPERATIVE, and action is NECESSARY. I don't even care if this is coming off cheesy, if you are vibing with this great, but this is here for me. YOUR HIGH ASS WANTED TO TYPE THIS OUT AT 12:44 AT NIGHT BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS IMPORTANT AND YOU NEED TO GET YOUR LIFE ON TRACK!

And if I'm going to do this I am going to need some accountability, so I'm going online to ask a bunch of other people online who don't want to be online to help me stay offline online.

I have stuff I want to learn, a life I want to live... I'd appreciate you being in my corner.

God I'm not used to being this earnest, it makes my skin crawl.

#NoSurf #InternetAddiction #technologicalEmancipation #techEmancipation #AlgorithmEmancipation

I also miss the feeling of logging off. The sad thing is: It's not a lot of fun if all the other humans aren't also doing it. #nosurf