I wanted to document my sort of personal identity journey leading up to now. It's been on my mind for a while and I felt it good to put it out there, to get it out of here 🧠

Early teens: I met a same aged guy at a school event, made a new friend. I felt some sort of attraction to them, however they were a bit more feminine (but identified as gay), and I felt (based on my media exposure) that I might be gay or bisexual.
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Mid teens: I recall doing a few book reports on books featuring female lead characters, protagonists, or otherwise that were explicitly female oriented or "intended for female audiences" 😅​ I remember reading Chicken Soup For The Soul series a lot, but felt awkward after realizing it wasn't really something "boys" read.

I also worked away from home for one summer, staying overnight during weekdays. I recall:
* wearing (somewhat often) womens clothing like short shorts, crop tops, womens jeans, etc. Explicitly purchasing the clothes to wear during the summer away from home.
* Wearing makeup sometimes. Shaving my legs and chest areas.
* Presenting male 90% of the time, but still being against the male-headspaces.
* Flat out asking the owners what would happen if I showed up as a girl (as in, transitioning) the first day of work, despite being interviewed and listing myself as male on paper. Maybe I was doing all of that for attention, or personal confusion, or being a stupid teen, who knows now. (Also the transition question happened 3 months away from work start, so clearly nothing significant would have happened... this was WAY back before how things are now)

I identified as gay, and kept generally closer friendly relationships with the girls working there; the guys as well, but I felt a better connection to the girls :). I stayed in men's sleeping areas though given AMAB. At the end of that summer working, I came to find myself liking one of the girls I worked with. I then identified as bisexual.
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Mid-late teens: Identified as bisexual but didn't really make it any part of my personality or feeling at all. Dated a few girls but it really wasn't anything serious
Adulthood: Identifying as bisexual but mainly living on autopilot, work, school, whatever. Not dating anyone for many, many years (still single yay)

Finally, the past summer while traveling, I hit breaking points in my physical, emotional, and mental state, which sort of made these "suppressed" thoughts come back up. I felt a lot of gender dysphoria in the summer. A lot of body envy since it was the summer, and general thoughts of "I wish I was a woman but that's a lot to go through if I did" and such related things (i like her outfit/hair/etc). Jealousy I guess? I don't know. Lack of creature comforts too I suppose. The general lack of emotional connection on my trips, as I didn't make too many close connections, didn't help either.
I felt an immensely more positive/comfortable connection when staying in shared sleeping spaces with women, versus those when men were present. Primarily because 99% of the time, the women NEVER snored, and were always polite and quiet late at night, but also were far more pleasing to talk to... whereas the sometimes opposite of that for the men... I also really envied the female-only spaces, as I heard from female travelers that they always had great experiences in there (meeting new friends, going out as a group together, feeling safer in their space, etc).

I called Trans Lifeline for a good hour one night mid-summer, and thanks to whoever helped me calm down and process my thoughts, as well as sharing online accounts and people I could look to, who were non-binary/GNC, or transfem. As well, explaining what body/gender dysphoria is in simpler terms for me.

And well... even after, I still didn't do much, because I really was on autopilot just trying to live while traveling. But now having been back home again, it's all really come up to a head. So I guess this is just my way of sharing what happened to bring me to this point, that it's not all linear, and it doesn't have to be. But I guess just it's important to try and be happy in a sense. Maybe someone will appreciate this rant a bit.
Slowly I'm going to make myself feel better :)

#trans #thoughts #rant #longpost #pretrans #preop #amab #enby #nb #TransThoughts #personal #story #nonbinary

I think the biggest problem I face right now is basically the feeling of being a fraud, or faking feeling like I want to be a woman, or identify as one, or even wearing womens clothing to try and pass as one.

And I think this is all based around having a penis. I'm not saying it's bad for me to have one, I just feel discomfort in it. I also don't necessary feel like I would need to get bottom surgery to feel like a woman as a whole, but it would definitely help if I went that far.

It just feels like... I feel like a pervert. Like sometimes I'll see a sexy photo or something online and be like "oh that's hot", but then at the same time I may also say "damn I wish I looked like that" or "i wish i had a booty/boobs/hips (etc) like that". and the only solution is to clear my mind through masturbation. but even that isn't foolproof.
and extending to that, I really like women. I only like women, and if I was a woman or identifying as one or however it is, I would only want to date woman. so in that sense, I could be considered a "transfem lesbian" if it were at that point of transition. and even still, that feels like cheating, especially if I still were be pre-op for bottom surgery. It just feels like I'm somehow removing myself from any barriers to entry of a relationship or otherwise because there's less perceived risk because I don't identify or look like a man, and that feels wrong. it feels like im cheating in that sense, even though that's absolutely not my intention for going through with this.
I also want to say in extension to that, i don't feel a want or desire to be a woman or identify with femininity for the purpose of being a pervert or getting a pass to leer at women or other things like that; or if some people really wanna read into this, no i don't care about what happens in the changing rooms, just let me get changed and go in the pool or sports complex... I can look at nude bodies online instantly......

and extending to that, that also makes me feel bad for men in my life who I know are good hearted, who struggle with relationships like that, or otherwise.

I think the other thing is that I feel a serious like, genuinely deep anxiety to ever compliment a woman, when presenting or someone identifying me as male, because I worry they get a wrong idea about it, when honestly 99.9999999% of the time if I compliment someone on their outfit or hair or whatever, I really honestly mean it, and also sometimes want to know where they got that clothing, or hair product, or style, etc.
for whatever remainder percent there is, it would absolutely be under some kind of pretext relating to flirting, in a safe comfortable environment... and would probably only be under an implication the other party were flirting with me; they'd (or someone nearby) probably have to explicitly tell me they're flirting for me to even pick up on that...

I really don't know what this is about. and if someone finds this offensive please let me know so I can edit or delete it. and if you want to unfollow me because you feel unsafe or otherwise please do. I apologize profusely if I've caused that, but at this point I really do feel a need to just say all this because I feel bad, I feel wrong, I feel perverted, I feel like a gender cheater, and I feel like there are solutions but it just doesn't feel RIGHT to do in that sense.
and this is all bottled up and I can't tell anyone IRL for fear or repercussions (I am in safe places, I am not under abuse or duress or otherwise. I feel my family and friends would understand, but I need to be certain of what to say and how to say it. and I'm not there yet)

i do have therapy sessions but they're closed until februrary for holidays, which is why I feel a need to info dump this now, and speak with them later for guidance.

also extra context I am single, I won't be seeking relationships until I feel very comfortable in my own space and my own body and mind. I am not mentally prepared to deal with something like that clearly...

merry holidays and happy chrysler #RIPVINE

#trans #thoughts #rant #longpost #pretrans #preop #amab #enby #nb #help #nsfw