I am telling myself that my brain is over-reacting at this point because I trod on it having reactions at any point in the past two years (bad idea, don't do it, learn from me.) So now EVERYTHING gets ALL the responses. #ProcessingFear

Trying to be interested in the physiology of my #ProcessingFear: I get nauseated, then I get cold, then I get sleepy. My brain is doing its damnedest to shut the fuck down. If it can't get me one way, it will another.

Sitting here in tears of sheer fright over my wife...having an appointment with her onco on Friday. #ProcessingFear

Wife's parents want to 'talk to the doctors' which is fine but now makes me feel like a loser for not doing that (even though I don't think it's a helpful approach, particularly, or that doctors speak 'regular human' well.) #ProcessingFear

I don't know. I don't have any grand thought here. I'm just trying to survive my own brain that wants me to scream and claw -- at myself, if need be, for some kind of relief. (I'm safe.) #ProcessingFear

Perhaps this is my punishment for always arguing that 'unthinkable' was a word best avoided because most things described as such are quite thinkable in that someone did them. #ProcessingFear

And I think maybe it's impossible for fear to make any of this existentially better because what fear does is project scenarios and the scenarios are, literally, unthinkable. #ProcessingFear

I've always known anger to be corrosive but it hadn't occurred to me that fear was the same corrosion from, like, the other side. #ProcessingFear

So, as the meme goes, I take a stupid walk for my stupid mental health and I try to remember to take deep breaths and none of it -- NONE of it -- makes it existentially better. #ProcessingFear

I assume there's a trigger I just haven't found yet but, of course, I'm not at my best to track down psychological subtleties right at the minute. #ProcessingFear

I'm going about my day the best I can and the next minute I can't think about anything except the fact that my whole body is cold, I feel nauseated, and I can't move. #ProcessingFear

I think (one of?) the worst part(s) is that it will show up unexpectedly, in response to literally nothing in particular. #ProcessingFear

I have jobs. I have friends to talk to. I have books to read. I have Shit To Do. And none of it can I do without the Fear showing up in the back of my mind. #ProcessingFear

I haven't seen her since she went into the ER Friday before last because the last time I went into a medical facility with her, I came out inoperable. #ProcessingFear

Wife has been in the hospital over a week now and took a bad fall this morning that may prolong her stay by hours or days, we don't know yet. #ProcessingFear

Incoming thread on #ProcessingFear; if you don't want to read it, you're lucky because I don't want to either.

I feel like I've spent all this time in my life asking for reassurance and then tearing it apart when I get it and now all I want in the world is reassurance and I can't believe any of it. #ProcessingFear

I've had this same stress headache since December. #ProcessingFear

Both cats have worked out something is off and Teazel is sleeping on @feministlib's pillow and I just don't want these feels any more, please. #ProcessingFear

Trying to deal with the part where, when my wife comes out of hospital, she will still have cancer. #ProcessingFear