#bipolar #rapidcycling our future (wife, myself, cats) looks very uncertain. And it is extremely uncertain.

Bad life choices. Bad timing. Just being shit at life.

It's not a place I want to be. And don't have the means to leave.

To fight aloud, is very brave
But gallanter, I know
Who charge within the bosom
The Calvary of Woe

Who win, and nations do not see
Who fall, and none observe
Whose dying eyes, no Country
Regards with patriotic love

Emily Dickinson

#BipolarDisorder #Bipolar #Depression #Hypomania #Mania #Cyclothymia #RapidCycling #ManicDepressive #MentalHealth

I should look up more meteorology terms to see if they're applicable to #bipolar.

As somebody who experiences #rapidcycling I've found the need for words to describe my reality. I doubt most rapid cyclers have just one cycle frequency.

I experience ultrarapid ("microscale," hours-days) highs & lows superimposed on rapid ("mesoscale," weeks-months) highs & lows superimposed on long ("macroscale," years) lows.

I've always liked the idea of "brain weather." Some weather terms might be useful.

Whoa, I'm slightly elevated. I knew the new med was doing something. Started Saturday, it's now Tuesday. But by Monday I had suspicions.

So this is cool I guess. I was at a multi-week low uhhh 48 hours ago. New meds: always an adventure! Strap in and prepare for turbulence.

I sure got a lot of crap done today. Relatively speaking. Now to watch that this stays, uh, sub-orbital if you know what I mean.

#bipolar #bipolarlife #rapidcycling #meds

@julianruf That looks ... really good for tracking the level as well as stability of mood in #rapidcycling #bipolar disorder, which is my purpose. That's really helpful. Next step: figure out how bad the CSVs I'm dealing with are. This is a very helpful visualization, thanks.

Man, this #dataviz for my mood and body state data is gonna be interesting. Irregularly timed samples which vary in number in any given day. The first thing I want to do is smooth out jitter so trends are more visible - most people's mood and physical state varies significantly over the course of a day, let alone #rapidcycling #bipolar people.

Some people might consider these costs - emotional bleaching of music & art, scaling back associative thought - a small price to pay for stability, especially in #bipolardisorder with by #rapidcycling on the order of minutes to hours. And maybe they're right.

But my response to music and art and ideas is part of who I am. It's a feature, not a bug. And it's also really unsettling to know such a nuanced piece of me can be changed with chemistry.

A silver lining of ultra #rapidcycling #bipolar: when your state of mind changes profoundly on a time scale measured in hours, it's possible to gain a visceral understanding of cognitive distortions.

Distorted thinking of one kind or another, by the way, is very much present in euthymic ("normal mood") states - for many many people, including those without mental illness.