feeling nostalgic for #vine today

(posts by tarzan)
also
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzTlPjgJfTk

#ripvine

sorry but fuck tiktok. I really miss Vine. The amount of effort you had to actually put into content to get 6 seconds worth of proper enjoyable material... unparalleled. tiktok and other sites set the bar so low

#RIPVINE #videos #streaming

I think the biggest problem I face right now is basically the feeling of being a fraud, or faking feeling like I want to be a woman, or identify as one, or even wearing womens clothing to try and pass as one.

And I think this is all based around having a penis. I'm not saying it's bad for me to have one, I just feel discomfort in it. I also don't necessary feel like I would need to get bottom surgery to feel like a woman as a whole, but it would definitely help if I went that far.

It just feels like... I feel like a pervert. Like sometimes I'll see a sexy photo or something online and be like "oh that's hot", but then at the same time I may also say "damn I wish I looked like that" or "i wish i had a booty/boobs/hips (etc) like that". and the only solution is to clear my mind through masturbation. but even that isn't foolproof.
and extending to that, I really like women. I only like women, and if I was a woman or identifying as one or however it is, I would only want to date woman. so in that sense, I could be considered a "transfem lesbian" if it were at that point of transition. and even still, that feels like cheating, especially if I still were be pre-op for bottom surgery. It just feels like I'm somehow removing myself from any barriers to entry of a relationship or otherwise because there's less perceived risk because I don't identify or look like a man, and that feels wrong. it feels like im cheating in that sense, even though that's absolutely not my intention for going through with this.
I also want to say in extension to that, i don't feel a want or desire to be a woman or identify with femininity for the purpose of being a pervert or getting a pass to leer at women or other things like that; or if some people really wanna read into this, no i don't care about what happens in the changing rooms, just let me get changed and go in the pool or sports complex... I can look at nude bodies online instantly......

and extending to that, that also makes me feel bad for men in my life who I know are good hearted, who struggle with relationships like that, or otherwise.

I think the other thing is that I feel a serious like, genuinely deep anxiety to ever compliment a woman, when presenting or someone identifying me as male, because I worry they get a wrong idea about it, when honestly 99.9999999% of the time if I compliment someone on their outfit or hair or whatever, I really honestly mean it, and also sometimes want to know where they got that clothing, or hair product, or style, etc.
for whatever remainder percent there is, it would absolutely be under some kind of pretext relating to flirting, in a safe comfortable environment... and would probably only be under an implication the other party were flirting with me; they'd (or someone nearby) probably have to explicitly tell me they're flirting for me to even pick up on that...

I really don't know what this is about. and if someone finds this offensive please let me know so I can edit or delete it. and if you want to unfollow me because you feel unsafe or otherwise please do. I apologize profusely if I've caused that, but at this point I really do feel a need to just say all this because I feel bad, I feel wrong, I feel perverted, I feel like a gender cheater, and I feel like there are solutions but it just doesn't feel RIGHT to do in that sense.
and this is all bottled up and I can't tell anyone IRL for fear or repercussions (I am in safe places, I am not under abuse or duress or otherwise. I feel my family and friends would understand, but I need to be certain of what to say and how to say it. and I'm not there yet)

i do have therapy sessions but they're closed until februrary for holidays, which is why I feel a need to info dump this now, and speak with them later for guidance.

also extra context I am single, I won't be seeking relationships until I feel very comfortable in my own space and my own body and mind. I am not mentally prepared to deal with something like that clearly...

merry holidays and happy chrysler #RIPVINE

#trans #thoughts #rant #longpost #pretrans #preop #amab #enby #nb #help #nsfw

😹

RT @JamesTMaw@twitter.com

Why we need goal-line technology... #RIPVine

@courtney not your fault my brain is dumb! that's that guy from vine, right? #RIPVine

Mmmmmmmmmmmm #ripvine