June 20, 2023 - Day 171 - NewPlay Review
Total NewPlays: 189

Game: Funk of Titans

Platform: Steam
Release Date: Jul 25, 2015
Library Date: Aug 4, 2022
Unplayed: 320d (10m16d)
Playtime: 20m

Funk of Titans is a sideways scrolling endless runner, and it's every bit as bad as it sounds.

For some reason, the ancient Greek Gods have been rendered as African Americans. Zeus seems to fall somewhere between Samuel L. Jackson and Morpheus.

You, as Perseus, appear to be an extra from a blaxploitation movie, in a yellow jacket and afro, yelling "shaka laka" and "oh yeah" over and over, giving the whole game a slightly racist tinge.

Then there's the "funk" of the soundtrack. The less said, the better. P-Funk, this is not.

This is a game that could make me hate platformers again. A sideways-scrolling-endless-runner-platformer where the only controls are jump or whack-with-sword.

You better time EVERYTHING just right, because three hits and you're dead.

Did I mention that each hit removes an item of Perseus' clothing, because... yeah, that's a thing.

However, if you're really lucky, you can find a Pegasus in each level, to get a bonus level where Pegasus is a rocket powered horsehead in some horrifying Flappy Bird mashup.

However, sometimes, you just need something to focus all your rage and anger onto, just to let it out and move past it.

Funk of Titans isn't even good for that. I have no idea how I ended up with this game, I only hope it was free with something else.

There is nothing redeeming about this game at all. While this is not the worst game I've played this year, it's really putting in the work.

Run away, as fast and as far as you can. Avoid Funk of Titans like an anti-vaxxer, because it's just:

1: Nope

#FunkOfTitans #EndlessRunner #SidewaysScroller #WhoAmIKiddingNoOneReadsTheHashtags #ThisGameSucks #MastodonGaming #Gaming #Project365ONG #Project365 #NewPlay

June 16, 2023 - Day 167 - NewPlay Review
Total NewPlays: 185

Game: Bleed 2

Platform: Steam
Release Date: Feb 19, 2017
Library Date: Feb 2, 2019
Unplayed: 1595d (4y4m14d)
Playtime: 19m

Bleed 2 is a 2D twin-stick sideways scrolling pixel-art arcade shoot-em-up.

It feels very much like a 80's arcade game, both sonically and visually.

Lots of frantic button mashing, which would be great if I could mash the right buttons in the right order, but as I can't, I spent a lot of time dying.

The most frustrating thing is that every platformer / sideways scroller I've played uses the A button on the controller to jump, while Bleed 2 uses the right trigger, and uses A to taunt.

As the right thumbstick is used for shooting, it makes sense, but I found myself taunting instead of jumping far too many times (and then, of course, dying).

It's not that Bleed 2 isn't a good game, it's just that I'm not good at it.

Bleed 2 is just:

2: Meh

#Bleed2 #SidewaysScroller #PixelArt #TwinStick #MastodonGaming #Gaming #Project365ONG #Project365 #NewPlay

Apr 10, 2023 - Day 100 - NewPlay Review
Total NewPlays: 107

Game: Kingdom

Platform: Steam PC
Release Date: Oct 22, 2015
Library Date: Mar 22, 2018
Unplayed: 1845d (5y19d)
Playtime: 68m

Kingdom is a pixel-art based, sideways-scrolling strategy/resource management game.

As soon as I saw it load in, I was sure I'd be clock-watching, just itching for my 15 minutes to be up.

An hour later I was still playing.

Sometimes the gameplay is so good, the art disappears, and this turns out to be a great game, but you have to work for it.

It does very little to hold your hand; the first ten minutes were spent trying to intuit what was going on.

You're a king or queen, mounted on a horse. You can ride in either direction, and pick up and spend gold coins, and... that's about it. You cannot attack or fight back if attacked.

You use your initial few gold coins to hire a couple of beggars, and build a tiny village.

The tiny village allows you to provide each person you hire with a tool (hammer) or a weapon (bow & arrow).

During the day, the armed villagers kill rabbits and earn gold coins for you, while the working villagers can build defenses. At night, the armed villagers defend you. Each new day, you earn more gold coins, and the cycle continues, for just one more day.

My initial impressions of Kingdom were wrong; it's:

4: Good.

#Kingdom #Strategy #2D #SidewaysScroller #Gaming #Project365ONG #Project365 #NewPlay

Feb 26, 2023 - Day 56 - NewPlay Review
Total NewPlays: 63

Game: Steamworld Heist
Platform: Steam PC
Release Date: Jun 7, 2016
Library Date: Jan 24, 2023
Unplayed: 33 days
Playtime: 16m

Well, I think this is the first time I've ever encountered a sideways scrolling turn-based strategy game.

A couple of days ago, I set up a new dynamic collection in Steam that collected all of the unplayed games in my Pile Of Shame, excluded all of the unplayed VR games, and then I just hit free-scroll on my mouse, close my eyes, move the mouse around, and click on whatever comes up.

Even though this is a seven year old game, when I checked the details, I remembered that I'd bought it on sale last month as part of a deal.

It was worth it. It's a fun little game, that does not feel seven years old. The missions so far are pretty quick, so I could see myself firing it up for 10 or 15 minutes just to kill some time.

Steamworld Heist is:

4: Good

#SteamworldHeist #TurnBased #Strategy #SidewaysScroller #Gaming #Project365ONG #Project365 #NewPlay

Feb 3, 2023 - Day 34 - NewPlay Review
Total NewPlays: 41

Game: Regions of Ruin
Platform: Steam PC
Release Date: Feb 5, 2018
Library Date: Jan 6, 2019
Unplayed: 1489 days (4y28d)
Playtime: 21m

Sometimes i'll open a game, & can see that the developers put a lot of love into it. It makes me want to like the game.

It makes me feel worse when I don't; I do not like this game.

It's a mashup of different styles of games: a pixel-art 2D sideways-scrolling RPG. I've not encountered this particular combination before.

As I've said before, I lived through pixel art the first time around, so I don't miss it; sideways scrolling games need to grab me, but I like RPGs.

The problem for me is that the 2D sideways scrolling nature of the game makes it quite difficult to manage the RPG elements of the game. I ended up mashing everything with my weapon, unclear what was background art, and what I could smash to open.

Then there's the map. I literally spent five minutes trying to figure it out, before working out that the apples you collect throughout the game are tokens to spend opening up the map.

My apologies to the developers of Regions of Ruin, but for me it's a:

1: Nope.

#RegionsOfRuin #SidewaysScroller #RPG #PixelArt #Project365ONG #Project365 #NewPlay

Feb 3, 2023 - Day 34 - NewPlay Review
Total NewPlays: 41

Game: Regions of Ruin
Platform: Steam PC
Release Date: Feb 5, 2018
Library Date: Jan 6, 2019
Unplayed: 1489 days (4y28d)
Playtime: 21m

Sometimes i'll open a game, & can see that the developers put a lot of love into it. It makes me want to like the game.

It makes me feel worse when I don't; I do not like this game.

It's a mashup of different styles of games: a pixel-art 2D sideways-scrolling RPG. I've not encountered this particular combination before.

As I've said before, I lived through pixel art the first time around, so I don't miss it; sideways scrolling games need to grab me, but I like RPGs.

The problem for me is that the 2D sideways scrolling nature of the game makes it quite difficult to manage the RPG elements of the game. I ended up mashing everything with my weapon, unclear what was background art, and what I could smash to open.

Then there's the map. I literally spent five minutes trying to figure it out, before working out that the apples you collect throughout the game are tokens to spend opening up the map.

My apologies to the developers of Regions of Ruin, but for me it's a:

1: Nope.

#RegionsOfRuin #SidewaysScroller #RPG #PixelArt #Project365ONG #Project365 #NewPlay

Jan 24, 2023 - Day 24 - NewPlay Review
Total NewPlays: 31

Game: Black The Fall
Platform: Steam PC
Release Date: Jul 11, 2017
Library Date: Feb 3, 2018
Unplayed: 1816 days (4y11m21d)
Playtime: 35m

Black The Fall is a stressful game. It's very minimalist, both in terms of colour palette, and control scheme.

Part sideways scroller, part puzzle, part stealth game. You are unarmed, and you will die. A lot. Timing is everything, but it's not in a frenetic, bullet-hell kind of way, but in a tense, and drawn-out fashion.

A couple of levels in, you get the one device you can use in the game. It is not a weapon. Even that device leaves me feeling uneasy.

I am genuinely unsure of how I feel about this game. It's challenging. Spotting the solution to a puzzle, even if it's obvious, is satisfying. On the other hand, it's also quite stressful.

The stylised graphics, and the audio design are very well done

I'm not sure this game is fun, but Black The Fall is:

4: Good

#BlackTheFall #SidewaysScroller #Platformer #Puzzle #Gaming #Project365ONG #Project365 #NewPlay

Jan 13, 2023 - Day 13 - NewPlay Review
Total NewPlays: 19

Game: Dead Pixels

Platform: Steam PC
Release Date: Dec 8, 2012
Library Date: Dec 6, 2013
Unplayed: 3325 days (9y1m7d)
Playtime: 23m

This is quite possibly one of the oldest unplayed games in my Steam library. At some stage in early 2019 I opened it, but never played it.

Given the kind of game, I'm not surprised that past me took one look and went "no, thank you".

It's most of the things I dislike in a game. It's a retro/8-bit sideways-scrolling-zombie-shooter.

I'm not really a fan of sideways scrollers. Zombie games are a bit take-it-or-leave-it.

8-bit "retro" games, though? As I've said before, I was there the first time around, and I have few warm memories.

Shoot zombies, collect coins, buy upgrades, rinse & repeat. I got somewhere into the third level and just got sick of it.

For me, Dead Pixels was:

2: Meh.

#DeadPixels #SidewaysScroller #Zombies #Gaming #Project365ONG #Project365