pre-school rules and bar rules are exactly the same.

you pee your pants you get sent home.

#StolenJokes

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

#StolenJokes

why isn’t phonetics spelled the way it sounds?

#StolenJokes

“If you’re buying ‘Smart Water’ at $5 per bottle it isn’t working.”

#StolenJokes”

straight from Shit Southern Women Say (Episode 15)

“She’s so skinny they have to starch her clothes to keep her upright.”

#StolenJokes

“Courage is knowing it may hurt and doing it anyway.
Stupidity is the same.”

#StolenJokes

best “no trespassing” sign EVER.

“You would be better off sandpapering a lion’s ass in a pair of pork chop panties than being caught on the other side of this fence.”

#StolenJokes #OwThatWouldHurt

I love coke. The a-cola kind. #stolenJokes

Even Iggy Doesn't Steal Jokes.
#StolenJokes #Comedy #Standup #Duckman #TheBlackJester

Some people are such treasures you just want to bury them.

#StolenJokes

The worst part of parallel parking is the witnesses.

#StolenJokes

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s just been asked, “What have you got in your mouth?”

#StolenJokes

optimist: the glass is half full.

pessimist: the glass is half empty.

engineer: the glass is poorly designed.

#StolenJokes

you hear about the herpetologist who married the mortician?

their monogrammed towels were labeled Hiss and Hearse.

#StolenJokes

when you’re feeling powerless, just remember a single one of your turds can close an entire waterpark.

#StolenJokes

“Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.”

#StolenJokes

when I have a panic attack I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and nose, then I take a swallow of the bourbon. that seems to do the trick.

#StolenJokes

Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet.

#StolenJokes

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out that a talking wolf wasn’t her grandmother.

#StolenJokes

If you had to choose between eating bacon everyday or being skinny the rest of your life, would you choose Applewood or Hickory Smoked?

#StolenJokes