@LucyKemnitzer “your barking license has been revoked” and “the neighbors do not want your small furry opinions” are very popular choices here.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Let go of the spoon.

You don’t eat dominos, stop chasing their car.

I did not send you out to bark!

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me yelling at Chance for pooping in the house: DUDE. On the scale?!
N: Bonus points for style
Me: Do not give him bonus points for style!

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me: and where are you going?
Dog: I’m followin' you!

#evergreen
#30 times a day
#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I do not need my nostrils licked! It makes the sneezing worse!

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

It’s easy to taunt the dogs for not having thumbs but I think we need to give our shoulders and elbows more credit. Without the massive amounts of rotation in our forelimbs those thumbs would still be pretty useless. A dog has never done a quality snow angel.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Praise the god of your choosing that dogs find chewing on things both physically and cognitively tiring. The three rowdy ones got ostrich bones tonight and now they’re settling down to sleep like we’d spent the day chasing rabbits.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Please stop licking the touchpad

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

It is not laser pistol time. It is two in the morning. You cannot have your laser pistol. You can have it back in the morning.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

You’ve got monkey guts* all over the floor. What do you expect from me?

Stuffed animal stuffing

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I don’t think you need to headbutt me to show me you love me. I’m just sayin'.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I think you’re just using me to get kangaroo treats.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Hey! I did not bring the princess of barking in the house for the queen to take over! Shut it!

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me: [sneaks into bed and under the covers]
Mei: YIPE!
Me, sighing: ok I’ll fell you a bedtime story

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

I am not a towel, I am your mother.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

There goes your sister, trying to dig to China in her bed. Not sure why, can’t imagine China has dog beds that are that much better than ours. Not saying they’re worse either. Just saying it’s a lot of work to tunnel through the center of the earth just to find a comfy spot to sleep.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Kaylee can you snore any louder? They can’t hear you in Canada

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

My life sounds like a video game.
Me: come on girls, we have to go put Mei in her crate before she finds the magic wand of plus one squeaky.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

You cannot have the squeaky toy right now [4am]. We will get written up in Worst Neighbors Quarterly.

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday

Me: WHAT are you doing on the table?
Zoë: [jumps into my lap]
Me: ok fair, I did ask

#ThingsISaidToTheDogsToday