“But have you heard about Mark Kay?” #thingsitoldthetelemarketer

#ThingsIToldTheTelemarketer i juist dail 9 on my phone. And the number gets blackisted on my #asterisk voip server. The current and future calls are redirected to my #homeassistant, which picks up the phone. Tells the caller that the number is blacklisted. Gives a quote of the day and gives an option to file a complaint at my voicemail.

#thingsitoldthetelemarketer “Well spank my ass and pull my hair. If you’re gonna fuck me, I might as well enjoy it” I used to work in preforeclosure 😉

#thingsitoldthetelemarketer

What kind of house do you want?... How am I suppose to get you a great house? ... What do you want from ME? ... No, I don't know anything about Audrey or her awesome house.

#thingsitoldthetelemarketer

I can't talk right now but if you call back tonight and ask for my wife, she'll be more happy to talk to you.

#thingsitoldthetelemarketer

Im behind you

#ThingsIToldTheTelemarketer

Me (in a whispered voice): “How do you get blood out of the carpet. I mean…a LOT of blood?”

Me: “No, you can’t speak to my husband. He’s not permitted to leave the basement. We haven’t seen him in years.”

Me: “Sorry, we’re in the middle of our breakfast (lunch, dinner). Why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back after we’ve finished. Oh, you can’t give me your home #? Then why are you calling mine?”

#thingsitoldthetelemarketer
Me as a teen: Go 🤬 yourself.
Telemarketer: Sorry, I can’t do that.
🤣

#ThingsIToldTheTelemarketer when they call in English to my home in Switzerland I respond in Swiss German dialect, after 20 seconds they hang up.

"So, that means George Bush ISN'T married to his mother?"

"Alright I'm POSITIVE you're lying!"

"Sophia please. Our savior would not be caught dead in that outfit."

"Sometimes life just isn't fair, kiddo."

"My mother's a lawyer, threaten me again and I'll own your house."

"I'm not in. Leave a message after the beep. BEEP!"

"Hi, it's me, Stan."

#ThingsIToldTheTelemarketer
#GoldenGirls

True story:

My cousin's husband answered the phone thinking it was a telemarketer: "Happy Harry's Whorehouse. Our policy - the customer always comes first."

It was the pastor of his church calling.

#ThingsIToldTheTelemarketer
#HashtagGames

Caller (East Indian accent): Hello, I'm from the government.

Me: Really? Which one? (Municipal? County? State? Federal?)

Caller: I'm from the government.

Me: Which one?

Caller: Fuck you! Hangs up.

Me: Well, I guess he wasn't from the government.

#ThingsIToldTheTelemarketer

My grandmother used to host fly fishing guests and we would all sit down to dinner every night. One evening the phone rang right when we were sitting down, so I got up and answered it. I took the phone in and made a big show about how I needed to get a pen and set the phone down in the middle of the table. Every 15 minutes or so I’d pick up the receiver and apologize and say I was still looking for a pen. I kept him on the phone for 2 hours. #thingsitoldthetelemarketer

#thingsitoldthetelemarketer Did you know #Christ #died for your #sins?

#thingsitoldthetelemarketer (very loud hardcore porn on the background)
- Yes, speaking...

"It's done. Send the cleanup crew."
#ThingsIToldTheTelemarketer

#thingsitoldthetelemarketer I'm sorry, I can't afford "free".

Go to my Start menu? Is that the thing with the Penguin on it?

#thingsitoldthetelemarketer

#ThingsIToldTheTelemarketer She’s not here but she can be reached at 867-5309.

#ThingsIToldTheTelemarketer

Hello, Psychic Hotline. I knew you’d call.