Idly wondering if the California heat making it harder to think clearly quietly delayed my transition.
#TransThoughts

It has occurred to me that I will no longer be comfortable recreating in public pools or swimming spaces shirtless and in men’s swim shorts this summer. Neither will I be comfortable in wet shirts intended to cover tiny boobs.

OTOH, I am also not ready to be in public in a women’s swimsuit either. It is looking like I will not be doing any public water recreating for a while. I suppose this is a good problem to have as a baby trans, but I was not expecting to have to avoid cooling off in the water this summer.

#Trans #TransGender #TransGirl #TransThoughts

Actually i feel like if i were to transition that I still would not... pass as a woman, solely due to lacking social cues, contexts, etc. And especially lacking lived experiences
And it makes me feel bad a little :(
Idk

#trans #transthoughts #idk #thoughts #transition

More thoughts. I guess it’s one of those days. I’ll blame the new hormone dosage for increased emotions.

Legit the only thing I ever wanted to be when I grew up since I was a kid is a pretty girl. Or at least to feel like one. I thought about this a lot growing up, and how it would never happen. I felt like I *should* have been a girl, and did on the inside, but obviously things didn’t match up. I wasn’t dreaming of being someone like an Instagram girl, just an average pretty girl. Or one who loved their self enough to feel pretty.

As an adult it is embarrassing to hear myself say that because it kind of sounds silly, it sounds immature I guess. Because I still feel that way. But here I am saying embarrassing shit to the world, because my experience here has been that there is at least *one* person out there who sees the stupid shit I say and relates. If I can make one human out there feel less alone, then it’s worth my own embarrassment. I’ve lived a life of disappointments and embarrassments already so it’s not entirely foreign to me.

But imagine if #HRT was something I actually had access to when I was a kid? I wonder what I would have done with myself if I had actually loved myself and who I was? I wonder what directions my life could have gone?

#TransThoughts #TransGirl #TransGender

Apropos of nothing.

Part of my coming out timeline revolves around the fact that I want to be Eda Clawthorne from Owl House for the four months of Halloween.

#TransThoughts #Trans #TransGender #TransGirl #Witches

If/when I transition, I think I'm gonna have to recreate the "YOU ARE A TOY" scene from Toy Story, replacing "toy" with "woman"

Cause I feel it'll take someone shaking it into me by voice or forceful gesture, for me to truly accept it

#asktrans #transthoughts #trans #nb #enby

A little deep on this one, and halfway joking around, but half not.

#TransThoughts

Saw this little Blåhaj buddy in the clearance cart at a local grocery store. Apparently the one sea creature reject that nobody wanted to put in their child’s stocking this year.

Was going to buy it, but saw the almost $13 price tag and thought, “I could get an authentic one for less than that.” But of course when I got home and saw the pic I took, I experienced a bit of kinship towards this overpriced reject along with some irrational feelings like guilt. I thought how to some people I am probably considered an overpriced blue, pink, and white reject in the clearance cart.

Completely silly and absurd of course, and also no justification to spend $13 on a $2 stuffed animal. But it is entertaining to me when I reflect upon these thoughts. Yet part of me still wants to go back and overpay for this dumb little object.

#Trans #TransGender #TransGirl #TransWoman

My sense of needing to never be seen as incorrect in professional settings turns out to be highly, highly tied to my need to be unambiguously accepted by colleagues while publicly and proudly trans.

#Trans #TransThoughts #MentalHealth #Burnout #WritersBlock

Next Thoughts I’ve Never Had Entry:

*Removes hand from under shirt to finish typing two handed*

Hopefully nobody has noticed me with my hand compulsively up under my shirt “checking for possible growth and sensitivity changes since 5 minutes ago.”

*Looks over computer monitor at coworker, who is thankfully not paying attention to me fondling myself*

#Trans #TransGender #TransGirl #TransWoman #TransThoughts

New entry for the list of—

Thoughts I’ve Never Had:

Hmm… should I shave my arms now? Or wait a little longer?

Yes, the world needed this critical insight into my mind 😂

#TransThoughts #Trans #TransGender ##TransGirl #TransWoman

Something that I am just now realizing is that the flight/fight response I get when talking to male colleagues isn't because I'm intimidated intellectually, it's because of my past trauma with cis males. Coming to terms with my PTSD and with my nonbinary identity also reduced my anxiety when talking with male colleagues.

I used to think it was simply implicit bias and internalized misogyny that I was way more comfortable around women scholars.

#TransThoughts #MentalHealth #PTSD

I wanted to document my sort of personal identity journey leading up to now. It's been on my mind for a while and I felt it good to put it out there, to get it out of here 🧠

Early teens: I met a same aged guy at a school event, made a new friend. I felt some sort of attraction to them, however they were a bit more feminine (but identified as gay), and I felt (based on my media exposure) that I might be gay or bisexual.
–
Mid teens: I recall doing a few book reports on books featuring female lead characters, protagonists, or otherwise that were explicitly female oriented or "intended for female audiences" 😅​ I remember reading Chicken Soup For The Soul series a lot, but felt awkward after realizing it wasn't really something "boys" read.

I also worked away from home for one summer, staying overnight during weekdays. I recall:
* wearing (somewhat often) womens clothing like short shorts, crop tops, womens jeans, etc. Explicitly purchasing the clothes to wear during the summer away from home.
* Wearing makeup sometimes. Shaving my legs and chest areas.
* Presenting male 90% of the time, but still being against the male-headspaces.
* Flat out asking the owners what would happen if I showed up as a girl (as in, transitioning) the first day of work, despite being interviewed and listing myself as male on paper. Maybe I was doing all of that for attention, or personal confusion, or being a stupid teen, who knows now. (Also the transition question happened 3 months away from work start, so clearly nothing significant would have happened... this was WAY back before how things are now)

I identified as gay, and kept generally closer friendly relationships with the girls working there; the guys as well, but I felt a better connection to the girls :). I stayed in men's sleeping areas though given AMAB. At the end of that summer working, I came to find myself liking one of the girls I worked with. I then identified as bisexual.
–
Mid-late teens: Identified as bisexual but didn't really make it any part of my personality or feeling at all. Dated a few girls but it really wasn't anything serious
Adulthood: Identifying as bisexual but mainly living on autopilot, work, school, whatever. Not dating anyone for many, many years (still single yay)

Finally, the past summer while traveling, I hit breaking points in my physical, emotional, and mental state, which sort of made these "suppressed" thoughts come back up. I felt a lot of gender dysphoria in the summer. A lot of body envy since it was the summer, and general thoughts of "I wish I was a woman but that's a lot to go through if I did" and such related things (i like her outfit/hair/etc). Jealousy I guess? I don't know. Lack of creature comforts too I suppose. The general lack of emotional connection on my trips, as I didn't make too many close connections, didn't help either.
I felt an immensely more positive/comfortable connection when staying in shared sleeping spaces with women, versus those when men were present. Primarily because 99% of the time, the women NEVER snored, and were always polite and quiet late at night, but also were far more pleasing to talk to... whereas the sometimes opposite of that for the men... I also really envied the female-only spaces, as I heard from female travelers that they always had great experiences in there (meeting new friends, going out as a group together, feeling safer in their space, etc).

I called Trans Lifeline for a good hour one night mid-summer, and thanks to whoever helped me calm down and process my thoughts, as well as sharing online accounts and people I could look to, who were non-binary/GNC, or transfem. As well, explaining what body/gender dysphoria is in simpler terms for me.

And well... even after, I still didn't do much, because I really was on autopilot just trying to live while traveling. But now having been back home again, it's all really come up to a head. So I guess this is just my way of sharing what happened to bring me to this point, that it's not all linear, and it doesn't have to be. But I guess just it's important to try and be happy in a sense. Maybe someone will appreciate this rant a bit.
Slowly I'm going to make myself feel better :)

#trans #thoughts #rant #longpost #pretrans #preop #amab #enby #nb #TransThoughts #personal #story #nonbinary

realistically I think also I just kinda want boobs? I really don't know why it just... it feels not wrong but different idk now having thought about all this and how I want to feel. I'm not opposed to top surgery to get implants or something if hrt didn't work as well as expected but like that's another thing in relation to not wanting male bits, like the explicitness of how male "breasts" are different from female breasts, given what I assume is body fat/something?? distribution.

also I would not mind having D cups honest lmao

#nonbinary #transthoughts #body #dysphoria #cw #tw