Saw a sign last night that had me worried: “Tractors Turning”. It’s going to be a full moon soon.

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

@IChewPorridge Typical. Totally ignores the possibility of enjoying a nefarious existence as a blood sucking, immortal member of the undead.

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

So, last night, I spot this huge party at this big old house. I thought, lots of people, plenty of rooms, flowing drink, I’ll get invited in and no-one will notice if a guest (or two) goes missing. Maybe steal some cigarettes and some nice new shoes.

3/3

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

So my current predicament: I’m in the cellar of a big country house, listening to the police discussing the horrific, frenzied and maniacal murder of a member of the household during last nights party. I hate it when they discuss my dinner like that.

2/2

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

I’m hanging upside down in the cellar of a large, old country house not far from my favorite crypt. My bat ears are twitching, trying to capture the conversation. It seems that the police have been called, and I suspect that someone has been very naughty.

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

Have a great #StPatricksDay. Drink, laugh and enjoy the day like it was your last.

In other news, I’ll be awake for a snack after dark…

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

In the war between the #vampires and the Lycan parasites, I've always found flea collars give the best results.

#undeadAndLovingIt

I’ve been driving boy bats wild for years with my aloof and unobtainable looks and little furry body.

#vampire #vampireBats #undeadAndLovingIt

Laying here, getting quite nostalgic about the old days. It’s been years since I’ve been chased by a bunch of villagers with burning pitchforks.

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

We #vampires have a kind of sixth sense about humans. We can tell a lot from just watching for subtle clues; it's a supernatural hunting skill.

For example, if a human runs away, waves their arms, and screams, then it's definitely worth a bite. On the other hand, if the human is floppy, limp, and lying on the ground with open, staring eyes, then they're probably already empty, so don't bite.

#undeadAndLovingIt

So annoyed not to get a telegram from Queen Victoria when I turned 100.

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

#vampires see everything so sharp and bright and richly coloured, especially blood. It’s such a contrast to my youth. I came from a part of Ireland where damp was a colour.

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

I’m told I have a beautiful soul. I’ve no idea where it is.

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

Need to find a new nightclub. Last week’s venue had UV lights. It’s so hard to look alluring and mysterious if you are gently smoking all over.

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt (mostly)

I love cars. They’re like a snack box for #vampires

#undeadAndLovingIt

I’m thinking of getting a Ring Video doorbell for my crypt. If it rings and no one’s there, it’s one of my friends.

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

I was with this until the last bit about not having to hide bodies. Does anyone know how to make exsanguinated corpses stackable?

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I just bit your friend and now I’ll bite you

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

I hate it when dinner becomes hysterical.

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt

Just thinking, why is no one pleased to see me? I'd love a little polite cheerful banter before I drink your blood & dump your corpse.

#vampire #undeadAndLovingIt