#BIFF communication is an important part of #ParallelParenting with a #narcissist, #borderline or #histrionic ex. In case you haven’t noticed, the #BPD, #NPD, #HPD parent frequently uses tests, emails, #OurFamilyWizard and/or #TalkingParents messages to #lie, #gaslight, #project, #BlameShift, make #FalseAllegations of #abuse and build a performative #VictimNarrative for the #FamilyCourt judge, #GAL, #CustodyEvaluators, #Coparenting therapists, #ParentalCoordinators, etc.

It can be difficult not to fall into a lengthy #JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) reply. Even though the judge and other court remora are supposed to review all documentation, many of them don’t. Especially when you and the ex have generated multiple file boxes of endless messages documenting your respective dysfunction. (JADE-ing is dysfunctional).

Not responding to lies, false allegations, bullshit victim narratives, #DARVO and the recounting of incidents or things the kids allegedly tell the #ClusterB parent that the BPD/NPD/HPD distorts/takes out of context can be extremely anxiety provoking for clients. And understandably so.

For example, oftentimes, before a client can get a temporary custody order from the court, #Crazy will either refuse to let clients have time with the kids or refuse to agree to a regular custody schedule. Instead, Crazy changes exchange days and times at will, making it near impossible for the other parent to plan and for everyone (except Crazy) to know where the kids will be day-to-day (including the kids). Whatever Crazy’s intention, the result is chaos, uncertainty, unpredictably and drama, which is Crazy’s jam.

Recently, a client’s ex told the children’s therapist that son is always asking her “How many days until I have to go back to dad’s?” claiming he has a lot of anxiety about having to leave her to go to dad’s. In reality, the kids were also asking dad about the custody schedule because there wasn’t a temporary custody schedule for 9 months (because Crazy refused and it took that long to get in front of a judge). Kids and dad didn’t know what the schedule would be because Crazy would demand exchanges a day early than originally agreed, extend the stays with her indefinitely, refuse to let dad take the kids to activities if she couldn’t tag along (including Father’s Day). Like I said, CRAZY.

Let’s break down what happened here.

1) Crazy creates the problem (refusing to agree to a regular custody schedule) and no one knows where the kids will be week to week.

2) Kids are confused/anxious and ask both parents questions.

3) Dad is walking a fine line of reassuring the kids and not “trashing” mom by telling the kids the truth that Crazy #ControlFreak mom won’t agree to the schedule. Instead, he tries to reassure them that he and mom are working on it.

4) Crazy then takes the kids confusion and anxiety THAT SHE CREATED by refusing to be reasonable and put the kids’ best interests ahead of her pathological need to control and says, “Aha! The kids have high anxiety about going to dad’s”

And that’s how the crazy sausage is made.

Therefore, it IS important to respond to the lies, distortions and half-truths that Crazy spews like a 24/7 bullshit factory. However, you do that directly to the judge, evaluator, GAL, etc. Or rather, your attorney lays it out for the court remora if they won’t listen to you, the penis parent.

Dispelling Crazy’s lies point by point and writing will only net you more lies and performative victim playing in writing. And then the court apparatchik have even more word diarrhea to not read/get it backwards that you and Crazy are both the problem.

A BIFF reply to Crazy to this type of nonsense is, “I remember the conversation/meeting/incident differently.” Or, I rather like Queen Elizabeths response to the Markle’s lies, “Recollections may vary.” Arguing facts and objective reality with Crazy is like mud wrestling with a pig. They enjoy it and you end up covered in slime.

#AbuseHasNoGender