I went to do the doctor for a routine checkup and she asked me to lie flat on the floor. When I asked why, she said I was due for a prostrate examination #weakendpun

Apparently there’s a downpour on the Mall.

No surprise. I heard we should expect reign.

#weakendpun

"What the word for a group of those big beasts that chew grass and make milk?"

"Herd of cows?"

"Of course I have, but what do you call a group of them?"

#weakendpun

The recipe said “Bake at 180 degrees”.

So I flipped the dish over and the cake mix all fell out. #weakendpun

I’ve been learning to paint but I was struggling to prop up my canvas until I invested in the right equipment. Now I can do it easelly.

#weakendpun

I must admit I had a few anxious moments worrying until my contactless card payment was approved. It was touch and go. #weakendpun

My dance teacher showed me how to do a spectacular dip.

Well, it is a salsa class.
#weakendpun

I'm on the verge of selling the patent for the miniaturisation beam I invented. Everything is subject to contract. #weakendpun

I went to my local stable because I wanted to become a jockey, but my dreams were dashed by a bunch of neigh-sayers.
#weakendpun

Whenever someone mentions meringue with cream and fruit, my mouth starts to water. A Pavlovian reaction, I suppose. #weakendpun

A friend offered to sell me a top of the range stereo for £1. I asked him why it was so cheap and he explained that the volume was stuck on full.

Well, I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down.

#weakendpun

My friend's PlayStation was stolen. I offered him mine, but I just couldn't console him.

#weakendpun

I was doing the laundry the other day and accidentally put the washing machine on the ring cycle.

It was very loud and took nineteen hours.

#weakendpun

I overheard someone saying I was a father figure.

Well, the actual words they used were "dad bod", but I knew what they really meant.

#weakendpun

Last year I tried Veganuary. But I’m not doing it again this year. I should have realised it’d be a missed steak. #weakendpun

At this time of the year, a time for family, I find myself wondering to what extent the success of Christianity is the result of Jesus’s stable beginnings?

#weakendpun #ChristmasCracker

For a few days every month, my friend gets a craving for candy-coated chocolate buttons.

She calls it her Minstrel Cycle.

#weakendpun

For a few days every month, my friend gets a craving for candy-coated chocolate buttons.

She calls it her Minstrel Cycle.

#weakendpun

At this time of year, I have a special kitchen utensil for straining vegetables.

I call it my advent colander.

#weakendpun

I was forcibly put to work making false teeth. Indentured labour is morally wrong. #weakendpun