If you didn’t see my Toot about this last night, these bugs are huge. And loud. And derpy. And heavy chonky lads. They don’t care if you’re in their way. This exceeds my tolerance. #YardTales

They better not be out tomorrow night because the weather at this time of night is perfect. #YardTales

NOPE

One just flew past my face vroooming like a miniature fighter jet and I noped right off my porch. That space is all yours bug for your orgy. #YardTales

It’s almost sunset. I’m hoping the June beetles finished their orgy last night and will not be returning to swarm me.

I mean, sucks for them that they only get one night of sex their whole short lives, but they deserve it for being so rude. #today #YardTales

I've been chattering at the magpies, imitating their sounds, in terms of caw-count. "aat att!" if they do two etc. I've been afraid the starlings might have demonized us with the other corvids, but I'm nice to the magpies. Had one land on the roof right over my head today. I tried to throw cat food its direction, but I think it was gone. #today #yardTales

This is cute. My son and I a few months ago were joking about birbs on a Trello we keep to manage home repairs. My 83 yr old mom was wondering why we were misspelling birdseed, and so we explained the meme to her.

Then she stated saying "birb" too! In just the right contexts to be legit funny.

I gave her my old iPhone and have been teaching her to text. So I texted her this classic with just the word "borb":

So today my mom texts back, "Is that read? Or photo shopped?"

👏 Good for you mom for practicing misinformation hygiene! Work that healthy skepticism!

So anyway, while investigating, I found this Audubon Society article about the differences between Borbs and Floofs. Of course I texted it to her.

https://www.audubon.org/news/whats-difference-between-borb-and-floof

#Today #borb #birb #YardTales

Oh another thing happened in bird politics much earlier today. Here’s what I wrote about it to my son:

A huge event in bird news today! The magpie brood near the olive tree started flying today! I heard a commotion down there that lasted forever, with at least 5 magpies. So I went down there, and Roberto [the dim asshole cat] came up the steps. I put Roberto in the garage to stop him scaring them. And then I saw some smaller magpies, that I thought might be starlings at first, but then an adult magpie fed one of them and saw how they were not starlings (white stripe on the wing). They held a huge gathering to celebrate!

5/?

#YardTales #MagpieDiplomacy

Anyway, what I was really hoping to convey with this whole story (yes, I really am a terrible person, I do NOT like having to do this stuff —you would understand if you had starlings take over your yard, they’re child-murdering fascists), is…

…how fascinating and complicated their world is. They’re so very obvious communicating complex ideas across species.

And how this process has brought out this primal set of instincts on how to win a territory battle against an animal enemy when one doesn’t have the actual power to do a whole lot. There’s a strong need to Show of Force as strongly as possible as consistently as possible to create an illusion of powers I don’t have. That’s the only way. It’s not a moral ideal, it’s a matter of fact. (Also I’ve been watching too much Naked and Afraid.)

4/?

#YardTales #StarlingWar

So I opt for gaslighting. I high tail it out of there, pretty sure the magpie didn’t see me spraying. And I came up to the upper terrace, listening to the magpie talk to the starlings. One magpie became several. Then a crow. A whole conference.

What, me? I was just walking around the yard. I didn’t destroy a nest or spray anyone! Look, I’m cutting some flowers for a bouquet. Because I’m kind and gentle and look at that butterfly.

The magpies never came up to check on me that I could tell, just down there doing what I hope was arguing with starlings who were “clearly overreacting” and “crazy” because they never saw the human do annnnnything.

Either that or my chances for friendship with the magpies is over.

3/?

#YardTales #StarlingWar

Now, some background. I’m actually quite fond of the other corvids. They don’t fuck with other birds. They don’t sound like 5,000 1970s smoker grandmas in a choir. I’d actually love to befriend the other corvids.

But that is not to be because the starlings have been holding conferences with the crows and magpies over these weeks. I try to figure out what they’re talking about (I sit on the porch all day). I try to figure out how to win over the magpies with cat food. I chatter at them when they chatter in the hopes they’ll think I’m friendly while the starlings spill their lies about how I’m evil hearted.

So I hear this magpie coming and I have just seconds to decide what actions to take to communicate the best possible message to the magpies.

2/

#StarlingWar #YardTales

I’m not going to get into the gory details of my war against the starlings and the unspeakable things I have done, but I’m learning so much about bird society. (And prefacing this that European starlings are invasive and total dicks to other birds.)

After uh, ruining one of the startling nests while no starlings were around, they came back to discover it. So I when I heard them chattering about it, I went down with the hose to get them to associate that hose with actual harm to their house so they always take it seriously. I don’t want them to know the limits of my power, which are actually quite limited.

I sprayed where the nest had been, and sprayed at the starling. She flew all around, landing in different places out of reach while I yelled at her and told her to get her crew out of here and leave us alone, and how does it feel to have YOUR nest messed up. I did that until I heard a magpie coming…

1/

#yardTales #StarlingWar

There's also some kind of coalition between the starlings and larger corvids (magpies and crows), that I'm trying to understand. Trying to win the magpies to my side with cat food, but it's not working. A magpie and a starling landed together on the tree branch 15ft away and both made sounds at me before flying off. #YardTales #StarlingWar

Starlings seem to have backed off again. The other day I think was some kind of attempt to overpower me but I got mad and did not let up with the hose and the yelling, the high-pitched sounds and the predator bird calls from YouTube. They'll be back, I know, but I've won this day!

(And in case, like me, you are a lover of nature and would rather just let every creature do its thing, I'd agree except not only are starlings invasive to North America and *really annoying*, they are fascists against other birds, destroying nests and killing eggs and young. You REALLY don't want to let a colony get started anywhere near you.)

#YardTales #StarlingWar

One of our outside cats (the asshole, so I can glory in his frustration) is trying to get to his water dish, but thinks the garden hose in front of it is a snake. Whenever I move it with my foot he jumps two feet high #YardTales

This hose is just like Jafar's beard.

(It's SO.... kinky!)

#YardTales

So full of hated towards #Bluetooth.

I dug out the "better" speaker I bought last summer for more bass, but had to stop using for various super-annoying behaviors including how its volume settings have nothing in-between too-loud and too-soft for many situations.

But I pulled it out again on this war against the starlings, because they've decided to retake the maple and DGAF about the hose anymore. I found a sound that's supposed to really annoy them on YT, and needed the bigger speaker for loudness. Which it does just fine, until you want to turn the sound down again, then turn on your music at a reasonable level. No, for whatever reason, it ignores the fact that I've lowered the volume on the laptop and blasts the music out at full volume. I can't effectively lower it until after the music is playing.

There's a complex series of moves I can make, if I lower the master vol while YT is STILL PLAYING, then the music will be at the right volume. ?! Eff BT.

#YardTales

I live in the kind of place where I just saw a tractor drive by my house.

(I think it was technically a small backhoe. But 'round here, all them critters is "tractors.")

Edit: Hashtags: #today #YardTales

Best part of the day, and best part of living in the desert (I don’t like most aspects of living in the desert), is right at dusk after a hot day, when the temperature tilts from warming me to cooling me. The birds are quiet and the crickets start up. Maybe I’ll hear some frogs if I’m lucky. The cats are licking and sleeping, the hose under my foot is cool. The sky splits into two halves of color, the Horse Heaven Hill cutting a line to separate the orange side from the landscape.

My tank top bares my shoulders to maximize the sensation of liminal peace.

#today #YardTales #3goodThings

I think I keep hearing his derpy flapping, but the one time I saw the bird, it was one of the mourning doves. #ClayPigeon #YardTales #Today

Haven't seen #ClayPigeon in two days. :( Maybe we'll never see him again.

#YardTales #today